Perfect Dark | Danmachi

Chapter 8

The sun is barely starting to rise as I finally give in to my screaming body and sit down by the wishing well. What a sight I must be to anyone awake at this hour. I'm hacking up my lungs, spitting and heaving my empty stomach. I've ran all night, but I've made it nowhere. If I could toss a coin in the wishing well, I'd wish to be anyone but Bell Cranel.

Bell Cranel! Of the Freya Familia! The lucky rabbit!

If they only knew. I'm anything but lucky.

Everything I've tried to suppress is slowly starting to surface. I'm reaching a breaking point that I thought I could ignore, just a little longer, I can endure. I keep trying to convince myself that this is all temporary, someone will save me.

How long am I going to lie to myself?

I've kept it bottled up for way too long. I stood up and yelled at the top of my lungs, fists clenched to the point of drawing blood. I yelled until my lungs were threatnening to collapse, until my voice cracked, and nothing came out. It felt good to let it out, even if I did look like a lunatic.

I didn't care.

I had completely lost it, and I let go. Falling to the ground on my knees in a pile of my own self-pity, hot tears streamed from my eyes.

It's an ugly sight, but I'm devoid of shame. I'll give into the flame.

As I'm letting it burn my soul to ash, my head is low and tears stain the ground. A hand appears, and then I see her knees.

Aiz. She's kneeling on the ground in front of me, with her hand on my shoulder. I feel a wave of excitement, is she going to save me?

She lifts my chin and stares blankly into my bloodshot swollen eyes, and I feel as if I'm seeing an angel. I try to say her name, but my voice is gone.

"Bell Cranel?" She asks, and I feel as if I'm going to pass out. Does she remember me? All I can do is strain my eyes, I try to speak again but nothing comes out.

"Are you okay?" She asks, and I want so badly to answer her. All I can do is shake my head and hold back tears. I'm shaking with fear, and I know she can feel it.

Then she says it, and my heart absolutely shatters. In a million pieces, every bit of hope I held onto disappears.

"Do you need help getting home? I can walk with you, it's on my way home." She offers quietly, not knowing what her words would do to me. I couldn't look at her anymore. My one last lifeline, the spark that could set me ablaze. Her words were like slow water to a fire, all that was left of me was smoke. The Hearth mansion is not on the way home, but Folkvangr is.

I reached out and pulled her into a hug, something I've always wanted to do. With my face hidden, I whispered so quietly she might not have been able to hear me. "I love you, Aiz." I know it meant nothing to her, because she didn't really know me. But I had to say it, I had to get my one last regret out of the way.

I struggled to stand; I was in no state to run away but that's exactly what I did. Like the first time she saved me, I ran as fast as I could away from her, even though that was the last thing I wanted to do.

I'm drowning in a sea of red spider lilys, looking up at the moon. At some point I passed out, and my tears dried. There's no way to tell how long I've been lying here, but I've surpassed my limits. I can't take it anymore.

"Bell." Freya says as she approaches me. She found me, but this wasn't a game of hide and seek. She kneels next to me and lays my head in her lap. The goddess of love, sharing her warmth.

"I thought maybe if she remembers me, then I can endure." I say inaudibly, but she hears me. Pushing the hair out of my eyes, she begins to stroke my hair gently, like I'm made of glass. My vision is going blurry as I stare at the flowers around me, thinking of how ironic their symbolism is to me right now.

I feel like my roots have been dug up and laid out to try. Everything that made me who I am since arriving in Orario has been uprooted and altered, I'm just a stranger to them now. The precious memories that I've held so close to my heart mean nothing to them, I'm just another adventurer to them.

It's said that your blade reflects your soul, is that why it's gone dull? My words are a reflection of my heart, is that why I have nothing to say? I'm tired, I'm so tired.

"What do you love about her Bell?"

I'm heartbroken, staring despair in the eyes and she asks me a question I once asked her. With my arm laying over my eyes, I start to tell her everything. Every small detail I love about Aiz, and why. Everything I could never tell Aiz and wouldn't have the chance to.

She listens to everything, still stroking my hair to try to ease the heartache.

My eyes are as empty as my heart when I look at her, and she sees it. I want to put an end to this nightmare.

"Kill me Freya."