Perfect Dark | Danmachi

Chapter 6

I'm slowly starting to accept her.

I know I'm not in love with her, but her warmth is holding me out of this dark abyss I'm falling in.

I'm going through all the motions, but I'm not falling for you. Actually, I feel nothing at all. The horrific battles during the day, and your warm embrace at night. I'm living someone else's dream, and yet I feel nothing. You've charmed me Freya, I'll give you that.

Like a possession, I'm yours. But I'm just a shell of my former self, and I didn't think I could hate anyone, as much as I hate myself now. My flame inside has died, along with any daydream of love I ever had.

If this is what love is, I fucking hate it.

I've been training with Ottar lately. By day I'm learning how to be a real first-class adventurer.

By night I'm in agony, regretting my decision. It isn't that Freya has no redeeming qualities, she can be a nice person.

It's that I find myself feeling as if I'm forced to spend time with her. If I had it my way, I would be as far as possible from here, surrounded by the people I love.

I don't love this.

I'm learning to live with it.

As an adventurer you must know how to survive. The only thing that is telling my brain that any of this is okay, is that I'm learning to adapt. I'm giving up everything I wanted to believe in, and I'm letting someone else take my hand and lead the way.

I can't help but feel as if we are heading in the wrong direction.

Ottar really has taught me some useful things so far, and I'm grateful for that. Our training feels different than it did with Hedin. Hedin was a brute force, with very little words, he wanted to show me what it's like to fight someone that you are no match for.

God did I learn the hard way with him.

Ottar is going about this all different, and I can't help but think back to my times with Aiz. I miss her, and I miss looking up to her.

If I could go back and be a different Bell Cranel that Freya wasn't in love with, I'd change myself in a heartbeat. I can't shake the feeling of being trapped. I can do as I please, but it never really feels like I'm free.

Everyone is different now, and no matter how many times I try to convince myself otherwise, I come back with more heartache than the time before.

I decided to start doing something that might make me feel a little better. I'm doing something for myself, and that feels great.

After training with Ottar, I ask to have some time to myself today. He has a general idea of what that means, but he doesn't object. Instead, he tells me to go enjoy myself, and I thank him with a bow. Ottar really is a lot different than I thought he would be. Maybe in my absence he would gain back some of his time with Freya that he lost, because of me.

I would hate me too; oh! Yeah! Hah! That's right, I already do.

I've been praying a lot lately, but I'm not religious. I'm grasping at straws to keep from falling but I'm failing.

I'm miserable, But I'm hanging onto a single thread. The threads of fate have deceived me, this isn't what I want. I'm the one in need of saving but no one can hear me calling. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, but I'm alone, trapped under her spell.

The will of a god, or the dreams of a boy? She's prevailed and I'm on my knees in defeat, why Freya? This isn't love. I'm not Bell Cranel, the hero. I'm your puppet, Bell Cranel.

This isn't like me to dwell. I need to revive my spirit, I need a taste of comfort, and I know just the place to get it. I didn't dare waste another second in Folkvangr, so I ran.

Standing outside of the Benevolent Mistress, a huge smile spreads across my face. The memories, the people, the food. Once inside, I sit right in front of Mia. Normally it's so busy inside that I can't hear my own thoughts.

Unfortunately, today was slow, but I'm not going to let that get me down. I set enough valis on the counter to cover anything I'd want, and Mia immediately takes it.

After she returns with a huge plate of food and ale, my eyebrow is raised. What she served me was the same meal she served me the first time I came here. "Mia?" I asked, suddenly overwhelmed. I want to dig in so bad, but I stop myself. There is something off.

She leans over speaking just quiet enough to where I'm the only one who can hear. "Don't give up, Bell Cranel."

She winks and disappears in the back, and I feel like my heart just got 10,000 volts sent to it. Does she remember me? The real me? Bell Cranel, of Hestia familia? She returns with a wet rag and wipes the dried blood off my face, then leaves me again. I'm still sitting in shock, frozen in place.

As much as I wanted to stay there the entire night and try to pick Mia's brain on what she meant, she never returned to the bar. After finishing the ale, I stood reluctantly to leave, silently hoping she would return again.

She never did.

Her words were enough for me. I decided in that moment that even if what I'm going through is real and absolute, I can't give up.

My flame can dwindle but it can never die.

After the pub I wandered the streets for a bit, procrastinating to the second part of what I had planned. Even if Mia gave me a taste of hope, it's still confirmed that the rest of the world believes I belong to Freya.

I finally arrive at the Hestia family home, but instead of going inside the gates I find a tree that overlooks the living room. Climbing to a comfortable branch, I sit down and watch from afar. They are the same as always, arguing, smiling, laughing. It pains me to see it, but I'm also happy to see them.

I watch for as long as my heart can withstand, knowing I'm overstaying my welcome.

"I won't give up on you." I whisper to the wind, finally deciding it's time to leave.