Pleasing Silas

13

-Sophia Russo-

It's been a week since my whole...rant? I still don't get why Silas was so calm.

I had no right reacting the way I did, right? I feel like I was overreacting when he asked, I should've just told him.

But it's not easy, everytime I open my mouth to tell him it's like I'm still silenced.

I've been silenced for so many years and the one time I finally decide to say something because Ryan can't do anything, I can't

I feel weak, I feel like I'll never talk about it and one day it'll consume me and I'll break, and never be fixed again.

I've been staying in my dorm for a week, saying I'm "sick" but in reality I can't get out of bed because I'm scared

I'm scared that if I see Silas he won't be who he's been, he'll be a completely different person, it's not true, you know it. But I don't. I don't know who'll hurt me, who won't.

I've had so many people hurt me that I can't trust anyone at this point and it's so fucking stupid and annoying.

But I love affection.

I love when I get affection from Silas, when he holds me and just lets me sit there not saying anything, allowing me to listen to his heartbeat and be calm.

Allowing me to be quiet, to be sad and what not, allowing me to not be perfect.

I needed him. I need Silas right now, I feel like I'm gonna lose my mind.

But I can't he's in class right now, he's been giving me the notes, he told me to take the week off and focus on myself. Which is weird considering he was lecturing me about skipping class.

I shake my thoughts away and look around my dorm which is sorta a mess, I sigh and force myself up, I grab my phone off the charge, grab clothes and go to the bathroom.

I play music, Lana del Rey, and I shower finally washing away this feeling I'm having, scrubbing it off until it's not longer there, as if it's dissolved.

As if I'm not Sophia Russo right now, just Sophia, I finish showering and change into sweats and a tank top, I wanna get used to wearing tanks tops again.

I need to stop letting people dictate what I do, but it's hard, because I care so much about validation.

I go to my vanity and do my skin care, put the products in my hair to keep the curls.

Once I'm done I continue listening to music but I clean my room, I turn the LED lights on, and start cleaning my room, from packing clothes away, sweeping, cleaning, just fixing things.

I charge my AirPods, my computer, once I'm done cleaning I started copying the notes Silas sent an hour ago.

Grump: if you need me to come over tell me, I'll be right there, Tesoro.

I hearted the message and continued taking my notes and doing my homework until it was done, I stare at myself in the mirror, and I feel...content, like I can breath now.

I will get better, I will tell someone one day, no matter how long it takes, the truth will be out. One way or another.

After a while I get bored so I take my notebook out and sketch for a while, I still need to figure out what lyric I wanna tattoo.

I'm probably gonna do a Lana song, because when I listen to her music I feel a sense of calmness, like I'm in another reality.

I hate the name Sophie, I hate when people call me it, and I hate that I can't say why, because I'm so worried about what people will think if he gets in trouble.