Afterglow

Chapter 8

"Kamusta?" Agad kong tanong kay Archie nang maka lapit ako sakanya bitbit ang dalawang bote ng beer na kinuha ko nang ayain niya ako na mag usap.

"Roxy, in those years, hindi man lang ba sumagi sa isip mo na hanapin ako?" Archie asked directly as he quickly avoided my eyes.

Kasabay ng pag lalim ng gabi ang unti-unting pag lamig ng paligid. Kasabay ng mga 'to ang unti-unting pag bigat ng loob ko nang maramdaman ko bigla si Archie.

"Hindi naman kita kailangang hanapin. Lagi kong napapanood mga gawa mo, 'no. Kami ang hindi mo hinanap," I shrugged.

Parang ang tanga na sabihin sakanyang hindi niya kami hinanap gayong ako naman ang nag taboy sakanya. Ginusto mo 'yan, Roxy.

Tumungga si Archie mula sa bote ng beer bago marahang tumawa at tumingin sa'kin.

"I looked for you everywhere, Roxy. I looked for you in all of the places I went to. I looked for you in everyone I meet. Hinanap-hanap kita," Malalim na sabi ni Archie.

Hindi ako nakasagot dahil unti-unting namuo ang mga luhang kanina ko pang iniingatan mula sa pagkawala.

"I tried reaching out to people close to you. No one wanted to tell me where you were, and I respected that. Baka ayaw mo na talaga akong makita o ano man. I told Ate Ria to just accept my support—kahit para kay Aria nalang kaso, pati 'yon, pinagkait sa'kin," Sagot ni Archie na sinundan ng isang malalim na buntong hininga.

"Hindi naman kasi kailangan, Archie. Tsaka, nandon ka na eh. Nakikilala ka na. Natutupad mo na 'yung mga pangarap mo. Anong karapatan kong pumagitna?" I answered back as my tears started streaming down my face. Archie finally looked at me as tears started to form in his eyes too.

"May karapatan ka kasi ikaw 'yan, eh. Si Roxy ka, eh. I built my dreams with you. I wanted to be successful for you. For us, Roxy. I was willing to give everything up just to make this work," Archie said as he quickly wiped his tears.

"Ayun nga ang problema, Archie! Bibitawan mo lahat para sa'min ni Aria, para sa'kin—bakit ba kasi, ha?" I cried harder.

I couldn't help but to raise my voice. Ilang taon kong iniwasang pag usapan 'to. Ilang taon kong sinubukang kalimutan nalang si Archie. Hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang naging desisyon ko para sa'min dahil kilala ko si Archie. Ayokong tumigil ang mundo niya para sa'min ni Ari, kagaya nang minsang pag tigil ng sa'kin.

"Mahal lang naman kita," His voice started to sound unstable because of his continuous crying. Sinasabayan kami ng bawat pag hampas ng hangin.

"Hindi kita mahal, Archie. Tama na, ilang taon na, oh?" Sagot ko kay Archie habang patuloy ang pag kurap na siyang pumipigil sa mas marami pang luha na nag babadya na namang umagos.

Archie scoffed in disbelief. Mula sa pag tingin sa kawalan ay inayos niya ang tayo niya para humarap sa'kin bago tuluyang nag patuloy.

"Kahit na hindi mo sinabi, I felt it, Rox. I felt loved kaya I was confused when you told me to back off kasi alam kong mahal mo 'ko, eh. Naramdaman kong mahal mo 'ko," He answered as if he was pleading me to tell him I love him.

Whatever I felt for Archie was one of a kind. Every feeling was extreme. Nag dududa nga rin ako kung sapat ba ang salitang pagmamahal para ilarawan kung ano ang naramdaman ko para sakanya at ang ipinaramdam niya sa akin.

"Why did you have to make me feel the type of love that you know I wouldn't find in someone else and then leave me as if our love never existed at all?" Archie cried a little harder as he held my hand, seeking and longing for answers.

"Eh ano ngayon kung minahal nga kita? Would that change something?" I shot back.

Almost seven years of yearning. Hindi naman na maibabalik ng confession ko lahat ng nawala sa pagitan namin. Itinaboy ko siya, naging successful siya, lumaki si Aria na walang ama—mababago pa ba ng tatlong salita lahat nang 'yan?

"It could change everything," Archie said, still pleading for answers.

"Alam kong naramdaman mo na mahal kita, Archie. Kaya gustong gusto mong umuwi rito, 'diba? Handa kang iwan lahat nang pinaghirapan mo!" I said, defending my decisions.

All I ever wanted was for him to become who he is right now. All I ever wanted was for him to reach everything he's dreamt of. I saw how he loved film. I saw how passionate he is. I saw how his eyes shimmered through every video call whenever we talk about his works. Nakita ko kung gaano pinag hihirapan ni Archie ang lahat at ayokong itapon niya lahat para sa'kin. Mali ba ako para unahin na piliin niya ang mga pangarap niya?

"Anong gagawin ko sa lahat ng mayroon ako kung wala ka? Kung wala kayo ni Ari?" He said as he untidy his out of frustration.

For the first time tonight, I took a sip from the beer bottle as my tears continued to fall down my cheeks.

"Gusto ko lang namang mapabuti ka, eh. Mali ba ako? Mali ba 'yon?" I cried. I couldn't contain it any longer.

For the first time in almost seven years, I cried hard—and I am crying in front of Archimedes Aguerro. I am crying in front of my daughter's father. I am crying in front of the guy I've loved for so long.

"Sana hinayaan mo 'kong mag desisyon, Rox. Kaya ko namang pag sabayin, eh. Kakayanin ko! I can still do films while I become a great father to Aria and a great partner to you. Kaya ko naman," Sambit ni Archie nang mas kalmado na.

Inangat ni Archie ang kanang kamay niya para punasan ang mga luha ko ngunit wala siyang nagawa dahil tuloy-tuloy pa rin ang pag agos ng mga 'to.

"M-minahal mo ba talaga ako, Archie?" I asked a dumb question. Archie quickly touch my face as he answered, "Sobra. Sobra pa sa sobra,"

I cried a little more.

"Pero bakit nang sabihin kong ayoko na, hanggang doon nalang tayo? Sobrang bobo ko sa tanong ko, pero hindi mo ba 'ko naisipang balikan? o kaya kausapin man lang pag tapos nung gabi na sinabi kong ayoko na?" I said, still crying. Binitawan ni Archie ang pagkaka hawak niya sa mukha ko at muling tumingin sa kawalan.

Sobrang gulo ng isip ko. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ko 'yon tinanong. Gusto kong mawala siya, 'diba? Gusto kong kalimutan niya ako, 'diba? Bakit ngayon, lumalabas na sa loob ko, ginusto kong habulin niya ako? Na ginusto kong balikan niya ako? Na ginusto kong pigilan niya ako na itaboy siya?

Nasanay ba ako na kahit anong ayaw ko, nandiyan si Archie? Nasanay ba ako? Hindi ko na alam. Hindi ko na maintindihan. Ang tagal kong kinimkim lahat nang 'to pero bakit ganon? Bakit parang kahit ako mismo, hindi na magawang intindihin lahat ng naging desisyon ko?

Humilig siya sa rehas ng balkonahe bago tuluyang nag patuloy.

"I stopped bugging you because for once, I felt like I deserve a love that doesn't feel like I have to constantly fight for it. I deserve a love that doesn't leave me with scars— the kind of love you can never give," He said as his tears came streaming down again.