Afterglow

Chapter 11

"Akala ko ba tsaka na tayo?" Tanong ko kay Archie nang ibalik ko ang malalalim niyang tingin.

Halo-halo na ang nararamdaman ko. Kunwari lang akong kalmado rito pero kanina pa nag haharumentado ang damdamin ko sa mga sinasabi ni Archie. Kumbaga, lumiwanag nang bahagya ang paligid. Gabi naman, pero bakit ang liwanag?

"I know, but do you really think we can parent Aria properly kung tayo mismo, hindi maayos at may unresolved issue? Roxy, I have seen that narrative for almost all my life. Ayokong lumaki rin si Aria sa pagitan ng dalawang magulang na hindi mag kaintindihan. Trust me on this one," He seriously said.

Looking back, Archie had a really messed up family. Both of his parents cheated. Lumala nang lumala ang mga problemang 'yon nang hindi napag uusapan at naaayos hanggang sa dumating ang araw na nawala na ang daddy nila. Archie never even wanted to live in their family home during the last few months of highschool, but he had to look out for Z.

"For Ari," I answered decisively.

"For us, Roxy." He answered with his utmost sincerity.

Archie looked at me directly in the eyes as it speaks thousands of words that I surprisingly understood. Archie has always taught me a language that only the two of us can understand. Isang lenggwahe na kahit hindi namin bigkasin, maiintindihan namin ang ibig sabihin sa pamamagita ng tingin.

"Aria will always be our top priority, pero please, let's not set ourselves aside this time, Roxy. Not again," Archie added.

For the past six years, Archie and I have been prioritizing other people over ourselves. He spent those years with being there for Z as he fix a family he didn't break. Habang ako, aside from working so hard for Aria, I spent those years by being there for everyone. I had been the therapist friend. I was the one left to save everyone... but was there a single person who'd be gladly willing to save me?

Archie and I both loved each other differently. One was willing to sacrifice his dreams, while the other one was willing to sacrifice her feelings just for him to get better.

"What if it doesn't work out again?" I asked worriedly.

Ang bilis ng lahat. We have lost our contact for years and I am pretty sure that the time we spent apart changed us in every possible aspect. What if I am not the same Roxy that he loved years back?

"But what if it does?" He asked back, still trying to pursuade me.

Sigurado akong mamahalin ko ang lahat ng bersyon na mayroon si Archie pero paano kung hindi siya ganoon? Paano kung hindi na siya ganoon?

"I wouldn't rush things, Roxy. I'd be a great father to Aria regardless of your answer. Just... just give me my chance this time, Roxy." Archie looked down.

The memories of us came rushing by in my system. I've never given Archie a single chance to be with me. Not as a partner. Not even as our child's father. It doesn't sound sane but it was the right thing to do. He wouldn't be where he is now if it weren't for that decision. We wouldn't become better people if it weren't for that choice. It wasn't easy... and it doesn't even sound sane, but I guess right doesn't always sound sane.

"Bakit ka ba ganyan? Hindi ka ba nagalit kasi tinaboy kita?" kuryosong tanong ko.
Ngumiti nang kaunti si Archie bago muling i-angat ang tingin sa akin.

"Nagalit. Naguluhan. Nalungkot. You made me feel everything all at once when you pushed me away that night, Roxy, pero uunahin ko pa ba 'yon? We both yearned enough. Malay mo, pwede na," He answered back hopefully.

I nodded, agreeing to what he just said. Archie feels like the certainty in all of the uncertainties in the world. Hindi naman ako pinanganak na risk taker. Palagi akong takot, mahina, at nahihiya. Ngunit parang minsan, kahit isang beses, gusto kong tumaya dahil paano kung ngayon, kami naman? paano kung ngayon, ako naman?

At isa pa, hindi ba't mas tinataya natin ang lahat kapag hindi tayo sumusugal?

"Subukan natin. Bahala na kung saan tayo dadalhin, basta susubukan natin." Pinal na sabi ko na tila desidido nang itaya pati pato para kay Archie.

Lumiwanag ang mukha ni Archie sa naging sagot ko at nagulat ako nang hinila niya ako palapit para yakapin.

"We'll make this work, Roxanne. We'll build a home for Ari where she's loved and understood. We'll become the greatest parents that she could ever ask for," Archie said as he enveloped me with the warmth that I have been yearning for.

Archie came from a dysfunctional family. I grew up without my parents. Sabi nila, kung ano raw ang nakikita mo mula sa pamilya mo, ganoon din ang maipapakita mo sa mga anak mo.

Ngunit sa sitwasyon namin ni Archie, alam kong hindi namin hahayaang maranasan ni Aria ang lumaki sa magulong pamilya. We'd be the complete opposites of how we were raised. I am sure that we would become parents who physically, emotionally, and mentally present. I guess we're about to make things right this time. We would heal together. We wouldn't let Aria take the burden of two fighting parents who doesn't know what they want.

"All I ever wanted was to build a home with you," Archie said as he released from the hug and planted a soft kiss on my forehead.

Ayoko nang isipin ang mga bagay na hindi ko kontrolado. Ayoko nang pakialaman ang mga bagay na hindi ko pa natutuklasan. Tataya na ako— ako naman, kami naman. Sa amin ang bukas; sa pagitan ng lahat ng gulo at pag aalinlangan, mananatiling sa amin ito.