I have been slain!
Once, I was a good general. I wished to be a hero, and they have slain me!
They have left me behind! Once we followed Alexander the Great, great and invincible conqueror! Now he has died from some cruel sickness, and we mourn him at his funeral.
All the generals were there at the center of the great empire, Seleceus, Ptolemy, Cassander, Antigonus, and me, at the funeral of him! It was a mourning day, and I mourned. But I looked into their eyes, and they were not crying, but were muttering.
I was praying! But what were they saying? Ptolemy spoke, "Cassander, you can have Asia Minor if I can have Egypt."
How disrespectful! To be dealing in politics at a funeral! They could not be so cruel as to do that! They were mistaken in that moment, and so I corrected them, 'All of you! Stop dealing in land. We are the successors of Alexander, and we ought to keep his empire. What are you doing, talking of deals and trades? Do we not have a duty to do what is right, which is to maintain his empire?"
They looked at me and scoffed! They did not take me seriously! And so Seleceus said, "Perdiccas, you were better as a general than as a politician. You should not have talked here. Choose a side! Speak not for any high cause, but join me, so that my kingdom can be larger than the others."
Why did I speak up? I was not meant for the little things. I was meant for the great things. I was not meant to be a mere general. I wish to be great!
I was a great general under Alexander. I wished to be him. Once, I was a small peasant, but he elevated me, and I rose, and I became a general! But now there were the four other generals who who tarnished his legacy, who spat on it, who insulted it and wished to make their own!
I saw an injustice before me. I wished to do what I had to do. I wished for Alexander to look down at me from the heavens, and finally, I would be worthy of him! I wished to do what was right and what was just, but I was mocked and laughed at by them.
I pled, "Can we not stay a united empire? Can we not follow this dream, that which was Alexander's? Do not divide any land; do not found any states. Let us do what is true and just. Do you not have a moral duty in your mind, screaming at you against your actions? Obey it and abandon this!"
But they only spoke, "What are you talking about, Perdiccas? That dream is impossible. Too far away it is, and too uncanny! Bury it! The sun has been brought down to Earth like the golden dream is brought down to us, and it is too impossible and too strange and bright for our eyes. Bury it away! We shall divide the land between us."
Like a god, I came to them! Like a god, I proposed this plan to them, and they rejected me! Was I imagining my divinity?
Was I wrong? No, I could not be! They were the selfish ones, they were the self-serving ones, and they tried to attack the Empire! I refused to believe I was wrong!
Was I insane, and were they just? No one believed me, and they were all dividing land! What! Did they not see value that was not simply land? Did they not see that which was virtue? Did they not see that which was the right and utmost thing to do? But they saw only power and money, and they followed that instead.
Were they blind? How could they not see that which was virtuous? Were they blind, or was I insane, for I saw that which was not there? Was the ghost of Alexander there, calling me to aid him? I think he was. I think he was, but I was doubtful of my thinking. Was he?
I wished to be great! But now I was making a fool of myself! I wished to do what was just! But what seemed to be just was partitioning land. I wished to choose the right over the wrong! And the right seemed to be, or at least everyone thought it was, chasing after wealth!
What madness was this? Was I right? Was I wrong? I despaired! I knew nothing.
Now they were approaching me with their long knives. Were their daggers real? I think they were real. But I was wrong on being right!
I tried to be moral! But the world is not moral. Too pure and childish was I for this word! Too dirty it was, with its politics and its dealings! I stood. This time, I stammered more, and spoke more nervously, "Generals! Do what is right and stay away from Alexander. Does not the ghost of him speak to you? Do you not hear anything that compels you to cease your action?
"Perhaps I am wrong, and perhaps I have imagined it all--all the goodness and virtue of the world, and what is moral and just is really beyond me, and I am not great, but I am weak, and all that I have tried to stand for is an illusion--"
Now I have been stabbed, and I have been slain, and they continue without me, and I have been left behind. I wished to be a hero! Thus I was slain!
