It was good and cold while it lasted. And now, it's gone!
It's all gone -- and I wish it were still with me. And without it, there is I! But I am lost--and that winter is lost, and gone forever.
They were in my coffee today, and in my oatmeal. I need that snow. I NEED it, and it's all gone.
Why can't I get up? I look at the world and the world looks at me. I am on my bed, staring at everyone as they look at me and try to help me. I just wanted one more!
I can hear everything, but I can move nothing. They wheel me into the hospital. My eyes stare at the kid. I can't turn away. He's so energetic. He's saying, 'Look, Mister! Can't you turn your head? Can't you get out of that bed? Get up! It's a beautiful day outside. It's a kite day. Do you wanna play kites with me, mister? What are those grey splotches on your arms? Mister, why are you staring at me like that? If your eyes are open, you're awake, right? Can't you move! The sun is shining and the birds are singing and everyone else is singing and laughing and I wanna go there too. You're awake, right, Mister? Mister!'
The kid starts crying and I don't know what to do. I can't help him. I can't move. I can't do anything, and I don't care. The kid cries like an idiot. It's all over.
It's all over! And I'm not awake. They're all operating on me. I don't feel a thing. I don't care now. The heart is numb and frozen. The doctors are all rushing, like frantic birds. They look around, desperately trying to find some way to save me. They move so much. I sit in a hospital bed. I'm just sittin'.
"No! The valves are failing! The heart is rupturing and bleeding. He's dying. Get the defibrillator!" A nurse screams all of this. Have I ever heard such passion in a voice, solely dedicated to saving my life?
There's a fire in my skull, and it's taking me over. Maddenning pain makes my head want to pop off. I'm vibrating like hell, and there's so much burning in my mind but my warm eyes are frozen up, because the pills broke my tear glands.
Why are they saving me? Should I be saved? I'm just a junkie. The world's going to fade, and nothing in life really mattered. I've always wanted to run away from life. Life's too hard. Have a few, and things will be easier. That's what I always followed.
I remember it all--and every time when I felt a little sad, or when the world was being too mean for me, I'd take one, and all despair became heat, all slowness became fast.
And in the wild ravings of the night, when no one I knew under the harsh light of day was nearby me, and there were no commandments i had to follow, everything was wild and livid, and in the day, everything was pale, grey, empty and dull. I stopped caring about everyone. What did they have, that they could give to me? The warmth of my family was so small compared to my private nights, which were so lurid!
I could escape to the night! And whenever I was lonely, I'd go there, buried in blizzard, and I'd forget that I was lonely.
But I would feel lonely later, and I would be barer and weaker and feel more tired and colder and lesser, and I'd wish to sleep off that pain. I'd take the first again --
After the night, I would be completely wasted. I would be cold -- and I wouldn't feel a thing. But the hospital cared about me. Why? I don't even care about myself!
There was a sense of wrongness about it all. I couldn't quite understand it. I probably did in the past, but had forgotten about it. What did I feel? The cold air was descending downwards. My face struggled to shrug. It was all too hard -- so many were caring for me, and I cared for no one!
That cold soul was made hot! I cracked and grimaced. I was dying, and they were trying to save me. My eyes were faltering. I was becoming more lightheaded and fainter. I couldn't think well -- what was happening? I knew what was happening. I cared for them.
There was a tear on my cheek. For me, they had tried!
