Start Over

Thirty-Five

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October 31st, Tuesday 2023
Beyoncé Knowles
12:00 pm

"Can I dye my hair too mom?" Blue asks as I lean back in the black leather chair

"No you're too young I don't want you to fry your hair." I respond while my mom washes the toner out of my hair

"But your hair isn't fried..please mommy? Just like the tips?" She asks again while playing with the ends of her curls

"Maybe. Maybe for your birthday." I reply

"No promises though, we have to ask your mama." I add on

"Okay thank you mommy." She replies while clasping her hands together

"Mhm." I mutter before closing my eyes while my mama washing my hair

"Grandma." Blue speaks up

"Yes Blue?" I hear my mom reply to Blue

"If mom lets me dye my hair can you do it for me?" She asks her

"Of course." My mom replies to her then the room goes silent

5:00 pm

"Mommy who's William?" Blue asks

My head immediately snaps away from the TV and onto her. Blue is still looking down at her phone like the question wasn't that serious to her.

"What?" I respond to make sure she asks what I think she asked

"I said who's William." She says again

"William who?" I reply

She gets up then she walks to the sofa that I'm sitting on before plopping down next to me. She turns her phone to me and it's an old picture of Me, William, Kelly and Michelle.

In the picture I'm sitting on William's lap and I looked extremely out of it like I was either on drugs or drunk. I'm only in a bikini and I don't look older than sixteen and he was definitely in his late thirties so this makes me feel physically ill to look at the picture.

I don't even remember this day at all but I also looked like I've been crying. I don't even wanna look at the picture any longer. I look away then I gently push the phone out of my vision.

"Uh.." I rasp out before slouching over with my hands in my face

"Mommy.. are you okay?" I hear Blue whisper in a gentle tone before resting her hand on my back

The feeling of being touched in this moment makes me a jump a bit even though I know it's only my daughter. I immediately burst into tears, not being able to control my emotions anymore. I never understood how much of a toll this situation took on me.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked mommy.." she apologizes in a soft manner

"I'm really sorry don't be upset at me..or in general please." She adds on in an extremely scared tone