Red

CHAPTER 40.

A silence drifted out as I held Sveva's eyes.

"Come again?"

I closed my own, just for a moment just long enough to hide the shame burning under my skin. "I... I called River's name when Lorenzo and I were having sex last night. And I feel like a complete fucker for doing that to him."

"Well damn." Sveva blinked at me. "What were you thinking?"

"I don't know!" I snapped, throwing my hands up and slamming them onto the kitchen island.

She scoffed. "What do you mean you don't know, Aurora? Put yourself in his shoes. If you and Lorenzo were having sex right now and he called out his dead fiancée's name? Please. I know you'd feel fucked up."

"Thanks for that, really helping me out here." I said sarcasm dripping every word.

She ignored me completely.

"A man like that isn't built for shit like this. I've known Lorenzo most of my life. He doesn't do flings. He's always buried in work, and even little Xami gets the fallout. Trust me, I tried to seduce him once..."

I found myself glaring at her when she said that, and she throw up her hands. "I'm kidding. Relax."

Viviana sighed and wrapped an arm around me.
"She's not lying though."

"Are you still in love with River?"

I stared down at my lap.

A little part of me...yeah. The part that survived losing him. The part he carved out with love, honesty, and he was my first love, he taught me how to be strong and was not afraid to gave me his honest raw critics.

But then there was last night, the tears that wet my pillows and the disappointment shown on Lorenzo's face from what I did, my guilt, fucked up my every plan I had for him. I had feelings for him, they were there, I couldn't deny it.

I didn't know when it happened, or how, but I couldn't deny that something about him, those intense eyes, the way he spoke, the way he looked at me was pulling me in.

I was attracted to him but I was still struggling with my past.

I was trapped between past and present.

Clinging to River with one hand, and with the other... trying not to reach for Lorenzo.

It's like I'm fighting to keep the promise to River and at the same time, fighting against the very feelings that wanted me to just give Lorenzo everything.

"I still find it hard to get over his death," I whispered. "Sometimes I feel like I'll never move on."

Lorenzo's voice echoed inside my skull.

"The more you hold onto the past, the faster your future moves without you. And one day you'll wake up and ask why the fuck you didn't try harder to let go."

My chest tightened.

I knew using Lorenzo to forget my troubles was wrong. Using him at all was wrong. Hell, everything about this situation my grief, the investigation, the revenge was crushing me.

I was torn between apologizing or brushing it off. Maybe labeling it as pay back for what he did to River but in spite of that even though the Don acts rough, deep down I cared about him.

Viviana suddenly hugged me tighter. "Omg girl... come here." Her tears soaked my shoulder, and somehow that made me cry harder.

Sveva came to my other side, eyes wet but chin lifted like she wasn't going to break. Softness lined her face and she handed me a paper towel.

"Have you ever thought about therapy?" Sveva asked softly.

I wrinkled my face. "I'm scared of that shit."

They both burst out laughing.

"Well think about it," Viviana said. "Prayer too."

I smiled faintly. Therapy scared me more than bullets, I dreaded the thought of opening up to a stiffed faced stranger with pen and paper. But Prayer...prayer felt easier.

_____

Trying to push away my guilt, I slid on my glasses and tried to focus on Lust in Fire. I had chapters to finish. Anything was better than drowning in my own thoughts.

As I read on, I frowned as a loud curse echoed from behind the door.

I assumed it was Fire, because that man breathed and eat profanity, so I got up and pulled the door open. The book dropped from my fingers towards the floor in a thud the moment I saw him.

He was frassed out, reeked of alcohol, rain water clinging to his white long sleeved shirt. His black suit pants gripped his lower half.

The look he gave me was dark and rage. His were eyes bloodshot. Scent of leather, alcohol, and weed gripped to him.

Lorenzo glared down at me in so much rage that I instinctively tried to close the door, but he stuck his boot inside, forcing it back open.

He pushed the door towards me, came in and slammed the door shut. "Lorenzo get out."

I pointed a finger at the door as I held my ground. Even though I felt guilty for hurting him, I wasn't about to deal with a Drunk Lorenzo.

He shook his head and ignored me completely. He wrap a hand around my hand and pulled me to him. I stumbled into his chest, my palms bracing on his chest and I ignored the muscular structure of his skin.

"I don't take orders from a woman who likes to fuck with my feelings."

His voice was angry and broken.

"Do you even care what it does to me when you call out his name?"

He held my jaw and pulled my face closer to his face. Even though he was upset, I knew he was hurt and I felt completely bad.

I ignored him and shivered as he pressed his lips on my jawline, skimming closer to my ear. "I can't talk to you when you're drunk," I whispered. "It isn't right."

"Oh yeah?" His breath hit my ear.

"It wasn't right when you called me River while I was fucking the shit out of you... right?"

I swallowed hard. His truth hurt more than any lie ever could and almost as if he was tired of standing, he stepped back. Stumbled, then sighed in tiredness and collapsed into the small chair Xam had placed earlier when I was helping her read.

He sat there, tilted his head back, his chest rising slowly. Within seconds, he was asleep. Just... asleep.

"Lorenzo..." I called but he didn't answer as his breaths evens out as he slept. His messy hair shadowing his face and his face sharpening.

I gaze at him as I shuffled to my bed, sadness rocked me as I kept my eyes on him. Watching the stern expression remained as he slept. I continued staring until tears fell from my eyes as I stifled on guilt.

You're still holding on to the past, dolce... you can't see what's right in front of you.

His voice, his actual voice, echoed again in my head again.

I closed my eyes.

"River... why? Why are you making my life so difficult?" I whispered into the darkness.

And I asked the question over and over
until sleep finally dragged me under.