☆One and the same☆ (Sun and Moon fanfiction)

Chapter 20

🌜Moondrop's🌛POV:

          After I refused multiple times, Sun and Monty brought me back to Sun's and my room. I can't help but feel nothing but terribly guilty right now. I am such a failure that I couldn't even die without failing at it as well! Now, I have to live with that guilt as well. I am the reason they are so scared and stressed out now... Maybe I should have been more patient. Maybe I should have waited when no one's around and when no one would look for me...

          Sun and Monty are walking around the room, and I am sitting in the corner of the bed. We are all quiet because we do not know what to say to each other. They are too scared to say anything, I am too scared to say anything. After a few minutes, Monty sat beside me and put his hand on my shoulder.

🐊- You know... That this is not your fault, right? You know that we aren't mad at you for doing this?

          He tried to reassure me saying it's all alright. I was just staring at my lap, silent. What do I even say to this...? I know he isn't angry or anything, but I don't know... The guilt is just... So heavy...

🌜- I'm sorry for stressing you out...

🌞- No, Moon! - Sun sat on the other side. - It's absolutely fine! What's important is that you're safe now.

🌜- But I only made it worse by being stupid.

🐊- Look, buddy, it's okay. Don't think about it. What happened happened. We can't change that. But we can change things from now, you know? You need rest now. We can talk about this whenever you are ready. Soon, hopefully. You need to clear your head a bit. Have less negativity on your mind.

🌜- So what? Sleep now?

🐊- Yes. Rest. You need it. I won't leave the Daycare the whole night. Tomorrow, I will leave in the middle of the performance if I have to if you need me, alright? I'm here for you.

🌜- ... Thank you.

🐊- No worries. - He hugged me.

🌞- Moon, we will turn off all the lights now and leave you to your slumber, okay? If you need us, we are down the Daycare!

🌜- Alright.

🐊- And don't hesitate to call us. You aren't a bother.

🌞- Here! A friend to cuddle!

          Sun handed me a big pineapple plushie. It was really, really soft. That is nice. I chuckled at that.

🌜- Heh... I'm not a child, Sun. - I laughed.

🌞- Everyone loves cuddling! And there it is, a lovely smile of yours again!

🌜- I guess... Thank you.

          They turned off the light and left the room as I got under the blankes. I heard them jumping into the ball pit. Soon after, I couldn't hear the Daycare music anymore. Everything was dark and silent. But now, I don't find that darkness and silence scary, I find it comforting. I am a terrible animatronic, but two of my dearest friends are the best living beings I know.

          I don't understand. I don't know how to feel about Sun anymore. I thought I hated him so much, and I kinda still do. I hate him for what he did to me and what he put me through, but at the same time... I still love him like I did at the very start. I still love that friend who has been a part of me since the day I was activated for the first time. I still love and miss a person that's half me. A person with whom I shared every thought.

          There could never be enough words to describe how awful and painful it was to function like that, but there is some comfort buried in there... I hate how I could never have a body to myself and be free whenever I wanted, but it was a relief every time I went to sleep and let Sun do his oart of the job. It was annoying to listen to him yell all day, but I was never lonely when we talked about everything together all the time.

          What is this conflict? Between love and hate? Between comfort and stress? Between admiration and disgust? Between wanting to leave everything and run away, and just yearning to come back and hold onto the thing you thought you despised? How does that work? How is that... Natural to feel? Or am I just stupid and can't comprehend something that should be pretty simple? But then again... Is it really that simple, or is it just too complicated?

          I hate him, but I apologize to him over and over again. I love him, but I yell at him, ignore him, and I try to stay away from him as far and long as possible. I am sick of his annoying voice that never shuts the hell up, but I still want to talk with him and listen to him all night long. I miss him, and I wish we could just be happy again, doing everything together, talking with each other all the time, and comforting one another... But I still hate him so much that I just want to run away and forget him.

          Life is weird. Ten minutes ago, I almost ended it. I hated it so much that I wished I was gone. It's wasn't just about how things were around me and how it affected me. It was how I was and how I affected others. It all kinda circles... I don't want to be a threat to anyone, so I don't even wanna be around, but I want to be better, and I want to live happy. I want to see everything that life has to offer, even if, as an animatronic, I might be limited in some ways. Now, was all of this really necessary?

          Did I really have to get angry? Did I really have to do and say all those things? Did I really have to start hating everyone and myself in the end? Did I really have to try killing myself the second time, then awfully regretting it a minute after? Did I really have to do all of this and make this fuss? Did anything even have to happen at all? What is this all even about? I don't understand anything anymore. I really... Really don't. I should... I should rest.