It's All in your Head | a Captain America Fanfic

seventeen

TW: Suicidal thoughts

If you don't feel well reading this, you can skip to the A/N, I'll summarize the chapter there. You are not alone and it's so important to ask for help! My DM's are always open if you need someone to talk to! You are loved <3

•❃°•°❀°•°❃•

Steve hasn't returned and I know I shouldn't worry. But I do. Why?

I've been training with Nat all day. Mainly in combat but also some shooting practice. We have decided that I won't try to force my powers to come out. I know that they'll be there when I really need them.

I'm sitting on the rooftop of the tower, my favorite spot because it's the only place I can truly be alone.

I should be happy that I am finally allowed to go on that mission. But the past day gave me time to process what all happened this week. 

Sharon's words have left a bigger mark on me than they should've, but deep within I agree with her.

Every night I see all those people, mothers trying to protect their crying children. Fathers trying to defend all they had with their lives. And me who brutally took everything from them. So many innocent lives erased.

As the sun begins to descend over the iconic skyscrapers of Manhattan, the city transforms into a captivating display of colors and contrasts. The skyline is silhouetted against the warm hues of the setting sun, casting long shadows over the bustling streets below.

The crisp autumn air carries the scent of fallen leaves and distant echoes of the city life, mingling with the sounds of honking horns and distant chatter. 

I just sit there. How is it that I now live in such a big city, surrounded by thousands of people and I have no one who truly understands me. No one who can understand my pain. I don't know how to tell Nat. She might think she understands. But to be honest she has no idea. Just like everyone else.

I look to the right seeing myself in the reflecting windows. For the first time in what felt like an eternity, I see beauty staring back at me—a reflection not of the monster I fear I am, but of the girl I long to be.

Tears well in my eyes as I realize that the true monster had never been within me, but the doubt and insecurity that had held me captive for so long. No matter how hard I try to escape it, I am trapped in a prison of self-doubt, suffocating beneath the weight of my own inadequacy.

I am left alone with my fears and insecurities, drowning in a sea of self-loathing that threatens to consume me whole. Tonight, like so many nights before, I am left to confront the harsh reality of who I am—a monster in a world that sees only beauty. 

I hug my knees tight to keep myself warm as the sunlight fades, the cityscape is bathed in a golden glow, illuminating the towering skyscrapers in a breathtaking array of oranges, yellows, and deepening shades of blue.

Tears blur my vision, the sobs that have been building within me for what feels like an eternity finally breaking free in a torrent of anguish and despair. Each sob wracks my body, sending tremors of pain coursing through every fiber of my being.

I clutch at my chest, trying in vain to ease the crushing weight of grief that threatens to suffocate me. It's as if my already broken heart has shattered into a million jagged pieces once again, each one slicing through me with merciless precision.

The memories keep flashing through my mind like a slideshow of pain and regret, each one a reminder of all the things I've done and all the mistakes I've made. The faces of innocent people, the echoes of words left unsaid, the dreams that now lie shattered at my feet—they all swirl together in a whirlwind of agony that threatens to consume me whole.

I try to scream, to release the pent-up anguish that's been building inside me for so long, but all that comes out are choked sobs and gasping breaths. It's as if the very air around me has turned to lead, weighing me down with the sheer force of my own despair.

The voices in my head, relentless in their cruelty, whisper words of doubt and self-loathing, drowning out any semblance of reason or hope. They tell me I'm a monster, that I'll never amount to anything, that the world would be better off without me. And as much as I try to silence them, they echo in the recesses of my mind, a constant reminder of my own inadequacy.

Dreykoff knew what he was doing. He left all those terrible things with me, that will never leave me but didn't allow me to have a real identity. I have nothing more than a name. 

Against this backdrop, Central Park emerges as a lush oasis amidst the urban jungle, its trees ablaze with the fiery colors of fall foliage. The Hudson River shimmers in the fading light, reflecting the kaleidoscope of colors painted across the sky.

I look down on the bustling streets. Wouldn't it make everything easier if I just... 

All my problems solved, no one I could hurt ever again. No one to disappoint. Just peace. Nat would understand it. I don't want to hurt her but I just can't do this anymore. 

As twilight descends, the city lights begin to twinkle like stars, creating a mesmerizing tapestry of illumination against the backdrop of the darkening sky. My teary eyes carry the dark skies reflection as I continue to look down. 

A fast death. Only painful for less than a second. 

Everything in my life changed. But did it really change me? Did it save me?

As I stand on the edge of the rooftop, the wind whipping around me, I feel the pull of the void below—a yawning chasm of nothingness that promises me relief from the pain that threatens to consume me. 

A gentle breeze tugs at my clothes, as if urging me forward into the abyss below, whispering promises of peace and release.

I imagine what it would be like to step off the edge, to let just go of everything for once and surrender to the abyss.

But even as the urge to jump grows stronger, a part of me still clings to the hope that maybe, just maybe, things could be different. Maybe there's a way out of this darkness, a path to healing that I haven't yet discovered. But the thought feels distant, like a flickering candle in a raging storm.

Tears blur my vision. The voices in my head whisper words of doubt and self-loathing, drowning out any semblance of reason or hope. Relentless in their cruelty, they echo through the emptiness of the night, taunting me with reminders of my failures and the pain I've caused. "Jump," they urge, their words a chilling refrain that reverberates in the caverns of my mind. "End it all and be free."

For a long moment, I stand there, suspended between two worlds, the weight of my despair threatening to drag me under.

I close my eyes and take a shaky breath, trying to quiet the millions of thoughts that rage within me. But the darkness is all-encompassing, a suffocating blanket that instantly kills any flicker of light or hope. I'm drowning in a sea of guilt, and the surface feels impossibly far away.

As I stand on the edge of the rooftop, the void below beckoning me with its siren call, I feel the pull growing stronger with each passing second. It's as if I'm standing at the edge of a precipice, standing on the brink of nothingness with nothing to catch me if I fall.

"Please, don't."

I swiftly turn arround to realize I'm not alone.

•❃°•°❀°•°❃•

A/N: 

Summery: Anastasia spends the evening on the Avengers Tower's rooftop staring on nyc's skyline. She thinks alot about her past, her insecurities and they threaten to control her which results in her thinking her life is worthless.  She is standing at the edge, crying. Someone joins her and tells her: "Please don't." 

That's it. Again, my dm's are always open <3

You are loved! - Nastja

P.S.: don't forget to vote and comment :)