the name is Imani

chapter 31

MONDAY, 15 SEPTEMBER

I get a call from Neo telling me to come outside. So here I am, in my black satin pyjamas and novelty slippers, walking downstairs to see my man. Yes, my man.

It feels just like yesterday when he asked me to be his and I am still falling for him. I fall for him even deeper each day.

I get outside and find him standing by his black Range Rover, looking down. I walk closer to him with a smile. Once I'm in front of him, he pulls me in for a hug.

He is wearing black oversized shorts and a white oversized hoodie. He looks so handsome. He looks gorgeous in everything that he wears.

Me: you smell good.
Neo: thank you.
Me: but you don't look too good.
Neo: rough day at work, I just wanted to see you.

I just nod and stand in front of him, facing the other way and he wraps his arms around me. He is taller than me  and I absolutely love the height difference between so I also love standing like this with him.

We stay like that for a while, in just pure silence. He then notices the device in my hand.

Neo: struggling with tantrums and sleep again?
Me: yes.

My daughter has been throwing a whole lot of tantrums lately and getting her to sleep is a mission. She also has asthma and it's not easily triggered but lately, it's been really bad. She also doesn't eat as much as she always does.

Me: I honestly don't know what to do, I feel so helpless. I feel like I am a terrible mother.
Neo: no, you are an amazing mother.
Me: then why don't I feel like that?
Neo: listen, you are a good mother. there is no manual for parenting and you are doing the best that you can. despite the fact that you are doing this all alone. also, I think you should consider taking her to her father's family, let her meet them and let her be introduced to the family. maybe that's why all of this is happening. maybe this is the Lord's way of telling you that keeping this baby away from her father is wrong. as long as the father of this child is not that abuser, this child will be in good hands. let him be a part of her life.
Me: I really don't want him to know about her. I don't want her to be exposed to such a toxic environment.
Neo: but you won't be taking her to a toxic environment, you're taking her to her father who lives in Joburg and far away from the evil mother, away from the abuser too.
Me: I don't want to do it. I don't want her to know them.
Neo: don't you see that what you're doing is wrong?
Me: no, it's not.
Neo: Imani.
Me: Neo, my child is not going there and that's that.
Neo: then I'm also not staying here and that's that.

He lets go of me and I pull him back.

Me: I will think about it. for now, I just want to be cuddled.

He nods and we head inside where he wraps his arms around me. I find so much comfort and peace in this man. I am never leaving Cape Town again.

TUESDAY, 16 SEPTEMBER

I don't know whether what Neo suggested might be true or not but I just know that I want my daughter to be better. I think I'll just try taking her to the doctor and then if that doesn't work, I will take my baby to the Khumalo's.

Anyway, I am on my way to the paediatricians office right now with my baby. We sit there for a while before we are called inside, we go in and the doctor checks her.

Doc: ma'am, I see nothing wrong with your daughter. however, she has tonsils and they have swollen up. I would advice you book for surgery to have them taken out. other than that, your daughter will be okay. she also hasn't been eating because of a sore throat. I will prescribe some medication for her and she'll be just fine. then you won't have to visit our hospital every week anymore, I am pretty sure she is also tired of seeing me.
Me: but she should be excited to be helped. I barely get any sleep lately.
Doc: welcome to motherhood.

I then think about everything else and can't help asking...

Me: is that all you found, doc?
Doc: yes, that's all I found. do you have a query?
Me: no, I was just wondering what the other symptoms were for.
Doc: don't worry about that, I added medication for all the other symptoms in the prescription. just make sure she finishes the antibiotics course.
Me: thank you, doc.

I take the prescription, push my baby out in her stroller because she has been feeling weak lately. I have to carry her everywhere.

I get all her medication from the pharmacy before going to the shops to get her a drink that will pick up her energy levels and sugar levels. I hate seeing my daughter like this, it scares me. She is so weak, she is losing weight and her cheeks are always so red. She is just so weak, even when I hold her hand and let go, she just lets it fall.

This makes me cry every single night because this is not my baby, my baby is very jolly. She is bubbly, she loves laughing and jumping around. She plays with mommy's hair and dances along to nursery rhymes. This is not my baby.

I walk out of the mall with her and some woman stops in front of us.

Woman: please tell the father of this child about her existence or you'll lose her.

I walk away from her and go the car. I put my baby in the car. I then drive off and when we get inside our house, she starts vomitting, really badly.

I pick her up and lay her down and she looks so drained. She just lies down, crying. This causes me to cry as well, this is all my fault. I call Neo and ask him to come to the house.

He gets to the house and I tell him to just come in. He does as told and he sits next to my baby girl before holding her beautiful hands and placing pecks on both of them. I start crying and he takes me to my bedroom where he just holds me while I cry my eyes out.

I pick up my phone and call Zizwe...

Me: hey.
Zizwe: hey, Imani. it has been 4 years.
Me: I know. Zizwe, we have a child.
Zizwe: what?!
Me: we have a child, a girl. your daughter is three years old and she needs you now more than ever.

He hangs up and I scream before throwing my phone on the floor. Why did I sleep with him?