the name is Imani

chapter 17

TUESDAY, 24 DECEMBER

Christmas and Christmas eve are supposed to be a joyous time, a time of celebration. Not when you live with a narcissistic abuser.

*last night

Me: Nkosi, stop this thing of seeing eve new secretary you hire! you are going to bring us disease!
Nkosi: if you wanted me to do that then you'd actually allow me to be a man I'm this house.
Me: iyoh! you are so weak! if you want to be a man then act like a man, you weakling! no boy becomes a man over might.
Nkosi: I will hit you.
Me: do it! hit me! I am used to it. this is how weak you are, you have to hit me to get me to agree with something. instead of making me submit the way a man should make his woman submit. you are weak!
Buhle: stop!
Nkosi: listen to Buhle.
Me: what for?

Nkosi slaps me twice.

Me: do it again, you coward!
Nkosi: Imani, do not forget that you need me. you're father doesn't want you at his house, you were thrown out, remember that?
Me: I do not need you!
Nkosi: oh but you do! you need me. if you leave, you will have nowhere to go.

I keep quiet and look down.

Nkosi: exactly! I thought as much.

I look away and he walks out, probably going to one of his girlfriends. I hope he catches something and dies.

Buhle: don't say that! he is still the father of my child.

I guess I said that last part out loud.

Me: whatever, he doesn't deserve to be a father.

back to present moment*

Buhle and I are sitting in her bedroom with, Lonwabo, eating chocolates and watching cartoons.

Me: so I know I haven't showed anyone my results so I'm going to show them to you now. I have already sent them to Zizwe.

I show her my results and she squeals.

Buhle: this means that you are graduating next year.
Me: I know! I can't wait.
Buhle: does he know?
Me: no and I don't want him to know.
Buhle: well, my lips are sealed. I am so proud of you, girl.

Buhle hugs me and Lonwabo jumps to do the same. He also gives me a peck on the lip.

Nwabo: mbaaa.

Buhle and I laugh at him and our beautiful moment is ruined by Nkosi walking in.

Nkosi: I want to talk to the both of you, come downstairs.

We do as told and follow behind him. We get downstairs and Buhle, Lonwabo and I sit on the same couch while he sits alone.

Nkosi: recently, I have felt that as a man, I have more needs.

He continues giving us the longest speech ever for 4 minutes straight.

Me: can you please get to the point?
Nkosi: I want another wife.
Buhle: ah.

Buhle says before throwing her hands up in the air in defeat.

Me: so them being your side dishes was not enough, now they must come into this home?
Nkosi: do you know that I could have just not asked for your approval? I could have just married her but I am here because I respect you.
Me: Nkosikhona, you don't even know what the word "respect" means. anyway, I am not your wife. Buhle is the one who is married to you, I am just a guest in this house. my feeling are not valued by you anyway. Buhle will make the decision since she is your wife.

I get and go upstairs where I stand in front of the mirror and take mirror selfies. I am honestly so used to Nkosi's nonsense that I don't even react anymore. I don't even think of reacting, I just let him ruin his life.

I look at my body and remember what he said back at his house. Ever since that day, I have been feeling quite insecure about my body. I feel like I am not doing enough and I need to lose weight.

I open the bathroom sink drawer and pull out the weight loss pills I bought a while ago. I have been staring at these each day, wondering if I should take them. Will I ever regret taking them?

I hear some commotion downstairs so I head down while rolling my eyes. I get downstairs and find Buhle and Nkosi fighting, stand on either sides of a baby car seater, with a baby boy. There is also a baby bag next him.

Buhle: whose baby is this because I am not the mother of this child?! speak up, Nkosikhona! I am not the mother of this child.
Nkosi: you're stating the obvious.

Buhle raises her hand and slaps Nkosi and the slap echoes throughout the room. I quickly run to her and pull her away from him.

Me: what are you doing?! what's going on her?
Buhle: ask this sorry excuse of a man.
Nkosi: Buhle!
Me: hai shut up, wena! Buhle, what's going on?
Buhle: read the card.

She points a Christmas card next to the baby car seat. I pick it up and read it out loud.

"I finally had your heir. Athenkosi Khumalo is his name, he looks just like you. I am incapable of being a mother to this child so please take care of your son. My Christmas present from me to you and yours. Love, Sibongile."

Me: I asked you about this!

I say aggressively throwing the card at him.

Me: you lied to me!

The baby starts crying and he looks at the baby, confused.

Me: that's your baby, pick him up.

He does just that.

Me: if his father wasn't a sorry excuse of a man, maybe he would have two good and caring mothers but no, you are liar. you looked me dead in my eyes and lied to me!
Nkosi: I know, okay? I know, please don't punish him for my sins.

Buhle takes the baby from Nkosi and walks away. I grab his things and follow behind Buhle. We are not going to punish him for his father's wrong doings. He didn't choose or ask to be born but he sure won't like the man who is his father.

We finally manage to calm the baby down, change his diaper, bathe him and clothe him. We then put him to sleep.

Buhle: those were his only two bottles.

His mother packed him some clothes, other necessities and two bottles of milk.

Me: I will go and get more.

I get the car keys from Nkosi's bedroom. Yes, Nkosi's bedroom. I no longer share a bed with that man, he makes my blood boil.

After getting the keys, I head downstairs and find him on the couch, looking stressed.

Nkosi: she's not picking up.
Me: serves you right.
Nkosi: pardon?

I walk towards him and go sit next to him.

Me: you are a horrible person, Nkosikhona. which reminds me...

I almost forgot about this.

Me: I went to the doctor and he said that I have an STI. I want you to stay away from me! don't ever touch me again, do you hear me? I am being treated but who knows what else you are picking up from your flings? Nkosikhona, I am warning you. stay far away from me or I will kill you and your children will be fatherless. it will probably be better for them that way.
Nkosi: Imani?
Me: Nkosi, this woman who dropped this baby off is also something you picked and thought to use, right? I mean why else would Buhle and I have to raise a kid that's not mine or hers? and then you act like you weren't expecting this, what did you think you would get from having sex? an apple? a doll?

I roll my eyes and get up from the seat.

Me: just grow up, man.

I then walk to the car and drive to the mall to get the baby some formula.