Malfoy | Draco Malfoy [Book1](Unedited!)

50

Draco Malfoy

I almost had a fucking panic attack as I left her house. I couldn't tell her that I was going get the dark mark soon, I couldn't tell her that I killed someone today, for the first time.

I've been on edge the whole time since I left her house. I keep trying to push the thoughts away of what I just did, but it's like the more I push it away, the more intrusive it becomes. I'm back at the Malfoy manor for now, I don't understand how my brother or my father doesn't feel anything while they murder people day to day.

I feel cold as hell, like there's a cold cloud forming inside me. I can't even fathom doing something like that, but here I am, about to be one of them. I walk up the stairs inti my room, and start taking off my robe and shirt, before tossing it off in a corner. I know that's it's just a matter of time before I get my own dark mark, and it scares me just to think about it.

One part of my brain was telling me to end thing with her so she can stay away from this mess, just like her mother wants her to, just like I want her too. But I can't do it. I know it's the right thing to do but I can't help it, I've fallen for her. and that’s the worst part. and I'm too selfish to make her hate me again, she needs someone ofcourse she does her dad's dying.

I can't imagine how she would feel if I flipped again, I'm just being an awful person. but maybe that's what she needs. she needs the push to get away from this place and I can't find it in me to give her that push.

And that’s the problem, I know what's right and I know what's wrong. The moral compass is already set inside me but I choose to do the wrong things over and over again. Because I'm such a coward, I don't have the courage to do what's right because I can't stop being a little selfish bastard.

I don't want her to hate me, but I know deep down that I'm not good enough for her, not the person she thinks I am. I've been trying to pretend that I'm this good, caring person, when in reality, I'm just as bad if not worse than them. But I couldn't let her know that, I couldn't let her know that I'm a fraud, that I keep lying to her every single day.

"Being depressed won't change the fact you killed someone, brother" I hear my brother's voice— Nicolas.

I turn my head to see him leaning on the door frame of my room.

"Is that what this is, depression?" I can't help but raise an eyebrow at him.

"What else would it be?" he smirked.

"It's fine, it was your first time anyways," he shrugs, taking out a green apple from his pocket and taking a bite out of it.

I still am not sure this is the same big brother I grew up with, Nicolas is the right hand of Dark lord I knew that, but seeing him being so okay with the fact he's kills and tortures people on daily basis for dark lord makes me sick to my stomach.

“I think I’m gonna be sick” I say sharply, “How the hell can you just sit there and not feel anything?” I don’t really expect an answer cause I don’t think he’s capable of actually having feelings of empathy, I’m surprised he hasn't lost his mind yet, considering he spends his days killing and torturing people that might just be completely innocent.

I know what his answer would be if I’d ever ask him that question. He’d probably just tell me that this is what our family is supposed to do or something like that. But I don’t even wanna know, I’d probably lose my goddamn mind if I did.

"You're being dramatic" he says taking another bite of his apple

“Am I now?” I turn to him, looking him dead in the eye “Maybe you just lack human decency”