Time after time

I found a reason to change

Elle POV

The events of the last few weeks have made me experience emotions like I have never experienced since my arrival in Boston. I knew I had run away from the conflicts with my father and Lee but eventually I realized I had run away from more than that. I had fled LA, my emotions and my reality to build a new one. I panicked when I realized that far from family, far from Lee, far from County Day High, the same problems still arise between Noah and me.

I was stunned that he decided to call Lee without telling me. Even though he promised me not to do it! I felt betrayed and pushed aside. Then when he told me he freaked out when Liam told him he would try to seduce me, I felt like I was back in high school when he wouldn't let other guys near me. I felt like he didn't trust me! That I was the naive little girl who doesn't know how to protect herself.

I had to withdraw for a while to think about these situations without them overwhelming me. I spoke with Chloe and with June. Chloe told me that Liam was really planning on trying to date me and was doing everything he could to piss Noah off. June told me that Noah's intervention with Lee had completely changed the situation. Lee began taking medication to manage his depression and sees a therapist to learn how to express his emotions. With this information in mind, I was more ready to speak with Noah again.

I've been waiting for him in his room for a few minutes, telling myself that it's not a neutral space but I think having this conversation in private will be better. He arrived and I could see in his face that the last few days had been difficult for him. As soon as he saw me, he left his bag on the edge of his door and came to sit next to me on his sofa :
- Elle, I'm so sorry! Tell me what I have to do to make you forgive me! I would do absolutely anything!" he said to me, taking my hand in his.
- You're not the only one who needs to apologize Noah! I know it was probably hard for you that I isolated myself to think about the situation but I really needed it. Are you ready to listen to what I have to tell you?

He nodded after swallowing hard. I looked at him intently before saying :
- I know you don't particularly like these emotional discussions.
- If it helps me get things back to normal between us, Elle!"he said to me, sighing. "I'm ready to do anything!
- Okay, "I told him before starting this discussion. "When I left LA, I ran! My family background, my friendship with Lee, high school, our difficulties as a couple. But when a few days ago I realized that the same difficulties returned 3000 miles from home, I understood that the problem was probably us!

Noah looked at me with wide eyes as if he didn't know where I was going :
- We are not perfect people, Noah. We are young and we are learning how the world works. It's okay to make mistakes and learn from those situations. I realized that Bethany's illness took me back to exactly what I experienced with my father and Brad. She had confided in me and she is my roommate so I had to take care of her. I took it upon myself to be present during her hospitalization, to provide her meals during her convalescence and to do all her household chores in addition to being a listening ear for her. I put all this burden on my shoulders without asking for help and the stress started to get to me. I pushed you aside when you would have been ready to help me. This is the way I usually act, it's nothing new!
- Elle, the fact that you want to take care of people with your heart is one of the reasons that made me fall in love with you!
- I know but I can't close the door on you every time I have to take care of someone! I'm going to become a healthcare professional and we're probably going to have kids one day. What will happen if I have a problem with a patient or if one of our children has health problems? Am I going to take all this on myself again and push you aside? I must not put aside the person who is most likely to team up with me! I have to change the way I act and I apologize, Noah!

I could see that Noah clearly wasn't expecting this kind of conversation. I then continued :
- As for your call to Lee. I was angry at first because you promised not to do this without me. I would have liked you to consider me in the balance. Lee is still my best friend! But, I saw that your intervention was beneficial for Lee. Your mother told me that your call completely changed his attitude and that he finally wanted help! She is really grateful to you! And, looking back... me too! But, I'm still curious to know what you said to your brother?

Noah took a few minutes looking at my hand before saying :
- That I had been there too, that I had to agree to let you go! That it was the worst 48 hours of my life but that I had decided that I would rather see you happy without me than unhappy with me!
- It must have taken a lot of courage for you to make yourself vulnerable for your brother! I'm really proud of you, Noah!
- Thanks, Elle! I also hear what you say to me! And next time, we'll do it together!" he said to me, placing a kiss on my forehead.

I wanted to hold him close and let all the stress and emotions of the last few weeks fade into our embrace. But I knew it wouldn't be mature, so I continued :
- When you told me that you freaked out when Liam talked to you for the study session, it took me right back to high school when you forbade guys to go out with me or all the difficulties we had had with Marco. I felt that you didn't trust me and that I was still this naive little girl who is embarrassing.
- It has nothing to do with you, Elle! It's this guy! He kept telling me I'm not good enough for you! How easily he could make you forget me! This is my biggest fear, Elle!
- Noah, I refused to go to the study session as soon as I knew he would be there! I won't let another guy strut in front of me! Do you believe me?
- Of course, I believe you, Elle! I just don't believe the other guys!
- But what does that mean, Noah?

He thought about it for a few minutes before telling me with such vulnerable eyes :
- It's so deep inside me, Elle! The need to protect you! I never talked about it with anyone but the reason for all my fights in high school was always linked to you! I couldn't stand it when a guy said some derogatory things about you or insinuated that he would put you in danger or hurt you! I couldn't tolerate it!

I didn't expect this confession from Noah!
- My parents paid so much to make me stop getting into fights. All the therapists I saw just said I was disturbed but they were never able to find the cause even though I knew it very well. I had to protect you, save you from pain, make sure you were safe. I'm so sorry that by doing this I hurt you. I always wanted to take all your pain and sadness on myself!

Noah's words hit me right in the heart. I have heard enough of my parents and his parents talk about his violent behavior at school to understand what it means in him. I moved to sit on his lap and cupped his face in my hands.
- You can't save me from all the pain and suffering in the world, Noah. But, you can choose to be the one to wipe away my tears!
- I want to be that guy, Elle!" he said to me, running his thumbs to wipe away the tears that had started to flow down my cheeks.

I smiled at him through my tears, placing my forehead against his before saying :
- It's true Noah, we're young to get married! If we want to continue on this path, we must both agree to give the other the opportunity to grow and learn. Otherwise, it is better to wait until we have grown up and matured. For my part, I am ready to engage with you while giving you the opportunity to learn by making mistakes. Are you ready to give me that same chance?
- A million times yes, Elle! I can't wait to marry you!
- So" I said to him, looking into his eyes with a suspicious smile. "Are we going to choose a date?

Instead of opening our calendars to choose a date, his lips attacked mine. We hadn't had any private time together since Bethany was hospitalized 3 weeks ago and I admit that he, like me, needed it. In the middle of our kisses, I heard him say to me :
- Please Elle, stay with me tonight! We don't have to do anything but I've missed you so much in the last 3 weeks! I need you! » he said to me, kissing my neck.
- Of course I'll stay! And what's more, I couldn't have my model in underwear and muscular to study for my exam in the anatomy of the musculoskeletal system. " I said to him with an implied smile.
- Are you asking me to take off my sweater for you?
- What do you think about it?
- Count on me! " he said to me, pulling his sweater over his head.
- Biceps, deltoid, supraspinatus" I said, letting my hand trail on his shoulder.

It wasn't long before Noah picked me up and laid me on his bed. I didn't really study that night...