Wide Open

s i x t y t w o

I sit cross legged on the floor opposite Alyssa. My eyes are closed because she's insistent that for the process to be successful, both eyes must remain closed until she gives the signal. I rebelliously pop open my right eye to inspect what she's doing.

The tip of her tongue is touching her top lip that's already painted a deep shade of red, and a deep line has formed between her eyebrows. try to not take the level of concentration as an insult. As if applying makeup to my face is proving to be a difficult task.

I watch as she picks up another brush with a big round and poofy head, before dipping it into a skin colored powder. She taps it against the cap a few times, the excess flying through the air in a miniature cloud of tan dust. She swipes what's left against my left cheek, and then my right. Followed by my forehead, chin, and nose.

"Close your eyes!" Alyssa tilts my chin up as she says it, and then swipes something across my closed lids.

"What are you putting on now?"

"Primer so the eyeshadow stays on and doesn't get clumpy throughout the night."

"Nothing too dark?" She shushes me and I want to tattoo the sound onto her body to see if she likes it so much then.

"Have you talked to him?" She says it softly, like she's tip toeing around it. She hasn't asked me about Taylor once, not even when I suggested she do my makeup tonight, or when I mentioned meeting Shea and Zoey at the hotel at six.

"He's texted and called, but I haven't replied."

Alyssa asks for my mascara as she asks, "Freezing him out or not sure what to say?"

I pull my lip between my teeth. I've thought about it all day. Taylor was an asshole to me last night. Showing up drunk, when he knows my history and how I used to handle things felt like a mocking. He's supposed to be better than that, he is better than that. But it hurt more to know that there are still things going on with him that he can't even talk about with me. I thought we had covered so much ground. I thought him willing to share the details about his mom's illness, her treatment, and all the ambivalence that comes with it was us showing the inability to hide from each other. I thought I was his best friend and that this weekend was the time we'd finally call this what it is. Last night made me pause.

Alyssa pulls away and studies me before blowing out a big breath right into my face. "I think you need to see the weekend through. There was no excuse for his behavior last night, but give him a chance to explain. He's seen you at one of your lowest points and he didn't walk away. If anything it pulled him in closer."

I wrap my arms around my knees and slide them into my chest. I finally told her the full story of Taylor and I as we walked home from the club last night. It only came after Zoey asked how we met and Alyssa cried that she didn't even know the whole thing because in those first few months I kept her at a distance. I was exhausted, both physically and mentally from the day and night that I didn't care. I didn't want to hide any of it because I was embarrassed or ashamed. Alyssa has given me more than enough reasons to trust her, and Zoey shares Taylor's DNA. I knew that her interest was solely because she's rooting for us. And I'm still rooting for us too. I owe it to Taylor to hear him out. He's never once turned me away, no matter how I've treated him.

"I just want to see him. To talk to him."

Alyssa nods like she understands it all with so few words. She moves behind me and starts sectioning my hair into sections. "I told Anderson I'd stay with him tonight, but I can come home if you need me to."

The tightness in my throat is unsettling, and leaves me unable to give her more than a tight smile. Alyssa squeezes my shoulder once, and then moves back to smoothing out my curls just like she did the night Taylor and I went line dancing. We're both silent, letting the music playing from a small speaker on her desk be the only thing filling the space.

After a while, she announces she's finished. It takes me a second to get up because my right leg is completely asleep, but the second I do and look in the mirror I'm speechless once again.

"Good, right? You're already so pretty Ryn that I just wanted to...enhance your natural features," she says. I knew Alyssa was good. Her for you page is full of beauty tips and tutorials, but the witchcraft she performed on my face is next level.

It's like a filter has been applied to my face, but in the most tasteful way possible. What felt like an entire Sephora's inventory of makeup during the application process looks nothing like I had imagined. It doesn't actually look like I'm wearing much makeup at all. Alyssa has perfectly blended an array of foundations, concealers, and bronzers together to enhance my natural skin tone. My blue eyes are electric against the barely visible earthy brown eyeshadow. And she's drawn the perfect wing at the corner of each eye. The look is finished with the same deep red stain Alyssa chose for herself.

Alyssa ushers me back to our closets and hands me a dress from her side. It's a simple green slip dress that hugs my body in all the right places. It hits in the middle of my calves, but the two long slits up either side allow my legs to move freely while still accentuating their length. I don't own a pair of heels, and Alyssa's feet are ridiculously small so I slip on my black Doc Martens and call it a day.

I'm usually satisfied with how I look, something that I know a lot of girls struggle with, but an added layer of confidence has settled over me. I'm going to need it if I'm going to make it through the evening.

🏈🏈🏈

Family weekend for the football program always ends the same way, with one big alumni dinner. It's a chance for former football players and their teammates to mingle with the current talent. They can swap war stories and offer well wishes for bright careers. The whole thing is just another ploy to bring in donations even though the team brings in millions each season. It's another tradition I haven't been a part of since my dad was able to force me to attend, back when my mom was still a fixture in all our lives. I had hoped to attend with Taylor anyway, but I threw it in as another thank you to my dad for helping me pull off this weekend.

I'm just glad that my dad is merely a guest tonight, and not the guest of honor. I'm sure he'll still find a way to be the center of attention, but the weight of his presence doesn't feel nearly as heavy when I spot him across the hotel ballroom. Alyssa breaks off to find Anderson and his parents, and I make my way past recycled balloon arches from Friday's welcome dinner and signs directing guests to the bathroom and the photo booth to find my dad.

He's chatting with another man in a well pressed suit as I approach him. Part of my agreement to be here came with the clear distinction that I wouldn't be with my dad and Katie the entire night, so it's best to get this interaction out of the way so I can focus on straightening things out with Taylor. I only make it halfway across the room and past a large cardboard cutout of the school mascot when I'm intercepted. I'm stuck in place as Taylor's eyes roam over me over the shoulder of whoever he's talking to. He's devastatingly handsome in his black suit. The slim cut of the pants hug his muscles, and the sight of him in a tie melts my insides into a concoction of nerves and desire. The blush Alyssa applied to my cheeks won't mask the heat that fills them.

I wait, but Taylor doesn't move. He doesn't close the gap between us like his life depends on it to sweep me into his arms like I had hoped he would. Instead he stays with hands deep in his pockets, pretending to listen to whatever is being said around him. I hate the ambivalence that last night left between us.

I inhale deeply, and let my head fall slightly. The tips of my boots provide the perfect distraction as I take another deep breath and then count to three. When I raise my head again, Taylor's eyes haven't moved. He's watching my internal struggle intently, and the crease that forms between his brows tells me all I need to know about what's happening in his head.

His eyes are speaking with an intensity that only I can hear, and I watch him struggle to fight the smile that's tugging at the corner of his mouth. I could be the brave one, to make the first move. I want to know what he's worried about, and I want to work through it together. But before I have the chance, the president of the university steps up on the stage and begins to speak, drawing my attention away. By the time I glance back towards Taylor, he's gone.