Camryn Quinn is finally getting what she wants...sort of. Moving into a dorm and away from her not so supportive father is a good first step, but like everything with him, it comes with strings. She must attend the college of his choosing for at lea...
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Dinner did nothing to improve my mood. The food was bland and lukewarm and was only served after three more speeches from alumni about how the football program shaped their lives. At least that's what I was able to pick up in between glances at the stage and then Taylor's table. My body may be at a table with my dad, Kaite, and Callan, but my mind is with Taylor. He's seated three whole tables away with his mom and sister on either side of him, but it may as well be a canyon of the largest magnitude.
Especially considering each time I look, his eyes are fixed directly on the podium. His jaw is set tightly and his fingers are laced in his lap. Whatever was up with him last night seems to have set itself deep into his bones. He's straining to keep himself from looking at me and I have no clue why. It's why when he finally does look at me over his plate of chicken, potatoes, and vegetables, I quickly look away. I want to help him, to fix the thing that is making him feel like distance is the solution, but my own feelings are overwhelming.
I scramble out of my seat and head for the bathroom. I can hear my dad apologize for me when I nearly run into a waiter clearing the plates of a nearby table, but I don't bother to turn and offer my own apology. The bathroom is only on the other side of the ballroom, but I wish it were on Mars. Maybe then I'd be able to find some Taylor free air to breathe and actually be able to clear my head. The heavy wooden door leading inside will have to do for now. As it slowly closes behind me, I use the weight of my body to force it the rest of the way. The gust of cool air that comes with it is a small reprieve as my body slinks towards the floor. Crouched there with my head in my hands I attempt a few deep breaths.
I came into tonight hopeful that Taylor and I would have the type of reunion that lived in the pages of one of my mom's romance novels. After last night, and the slew of texts and calls today, I thought for sure he'd be dying for the chance to apologize and grovel. I let myself believe it would confirm exactly how he feels for me and I'd get my chance to reciprocate them. And then I'd let him hold me, I'd feel his lips on mine again after such a long respite. Alyssa and Zoey both assured me his childish behavior last night was just Taylor trying to cope with his feelings, but now all I can hear are his words from Friday night.
I don't deserve you.
It took Taylor months to tell me about his mom. I knew he's the type to dwell in his own feelings so I don't know why I thought it would be different with me. I knew I would have to make the first move just like I did when I finally kissed him. Taylor is respectful and patient. He needed me to give him permission to kiss me back. Maybe he's waiting on my permission to have feelings for me beyond our friendship. He needs to hear me say it first even if every action we've shown in recent weeks has already spoken every single thought we've been too afraid to speak.
Nothing about the last twenty four hours is encouraging me to actually move forward with the plan. Alyssa and Zoey might be wrong. Last night may have been Taylor coping with his feelings, but not the ones I've let myself imagine live within him. I think he might have been telling me that if I put my heart into his hand, raw and still beating, he'll just make a killing blow. His life is a mess right now, my life was a mess that is slowly being cleaned. Maybe something more isn't what's best for us right now. I just don't know if I'm okay with that.
