Wide Open

s e v e n t y f o u r

When we get back to Columbus, I keep the distance I swore I needed. It was fine the first day. After being in Nashville, and then almost immediately leaving for Minneapolis, I practically collapsed into my bed and didn't move for twelve hours.

But then Monday came back around. A whole week since learning the truth, and even being in my dorm feels impossible. I didn't comprehend it before crashing the night before. But waking up brought the reminder that the last time I was in my bed was with Taylor. His scent still clung to my sheets, so I immediately stripped the bed and washed them.

And then Tuesday rolled in. Taylor and I normally have a session, but I didn't bother to go. I sent him an email, letting him know I would forge the documents so he wouldn't get in trouble, but I couldn't face him. His response was curt, but I know it was for my sake. I said I wanted space, and Taylor's going to give it to me. I didn't change the fact that I found myself hoping there would be more. A smiley face, a corny joke, I would have even settled for him calling me Capt. But it never came.

Wednesday thankfully flew by, but only because I had neglected a week's worth of school work, and needed to catch up. With Thanksgiving next week, I have plenty to work on to make sure I can enjoy the time off. I won't be going home, but I don't mind. Thanksgiving at the Quinn household isn't an event I've ever enjoyed, even when my mom was still alive. It always falls the Thursday before the team's biggest rival game, so it's filled with football talk and orphan-for-the-day players who can't travel to be with their families with only one day off. One of which will be Taylor. He's been there every year, I just wasn't aware of him like I am now.

By the end of the week, I'm emotionally exhausted. Everywhere I go, I can't escape Taylor. Our shared classes, the coffee shop, Harry's. It's like the breeze whispers his name as it whips through my hair. And simply walking past the spaces has a transporting effect. I've been forced to relive every single memory we've made until I'm on the verge of breaking down. No where feels safe, so the second I finish my classes on Monday, Alyssa and I drive to Gabi's house.

Gabi thought it was time she met Alyssa, and the Brown's welcomed her in with open arms. They know better than to bring up my mess, and vowed to tell my dad where I'm at. The days fly by in a blur. Having Gabi and Alyssa under one roof is exhausting in the best way. Between the two of them, we've never run out of topics of conversation. They cover everything from the latest fashion trends, to the viral TV shows we've all been too busy to keep up with. One night ends with a debate on the benefits of oil pulling and taping your mouth while you sleep, and I couldn't help but smile. Watching my two closest friends bond feels like the most natural thing in the world. They're both equal forces who balance me out. Their similarities are scary, but it's their differences that make them mesh even more. My two separate pods merged into one. Which is the caption under the picture I add to the timeline. It's from our last night of break. The three of us smashed together on the small sofa in her basement, face masks on, and bubbly water filling our champagne glasses.

🏈🏈🏈

If I thought November was a particularly cold month for my emotions, December is a full on tundra. I started the month by begging my supervisor to remove Taylor from my roster by claiming irreconcilable differences, ones that could not be put aside to study for finals. I could have continued to fake our meetings, but I felt like I owed it to Taylor to have a real shot at finishing the semester strong. Even if he says he doesn't care, I know that actually doing well in his classes made him feel good, like he was capable of more than just football. I'm not ready to face him, but it doesn't mean that I don't want him to do well.

Finals are a good distraction. Almost every single thought is consumed by biological processes or statistical origins. Until Taylor and I are seated in the same section for our biology final. I've never resented two letters more than I do Q and R. He still made sure to sit as far away as humanly possible, but it didn't stop him from straining not to look at me. I would know, considering I couldn't keep my eyes off him. Even if I hadn't been, my body would have known. Every single emotion that radiates from Taylor is felt like a pulse under my skin. Like my body is just begging me to react, to meet him where he's at. It didn't matter though, he didn't try to talk to me.

I don't hear from him again until I'm safely tucked away into the guest bedroom at Gabi's house. It's now Christmas Eve, and I'm surprised when my phone vibrates. My heart thuds against my ribs when I see his name flash across the screen.

It's just a message. A picture actually, of Taylor and Shea. They're cheeks are squished together, the fabric of their matching holiday sweaters blending so closely that I can't tell where one ends and the other begins. Twin smiles fill their faces, with two dimples shining as they squint their eyes and scrunch their noses. Shea's face is more puffy than the last time I saw her, and her eyebrows and eyelashes have completely fallen out, but she seems to be glowing. It's probably from finally having Taylor home for the first time in months.

Merry Christmas, Camryn the message underneath reads.

I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I let myself zoom in, dragging the picture all over the screen, over every angle of his face. He looks just like I remember him, if not even more beautiful, like the time with his family is filling him up, too. I stop and pay special attention to the curve of his mouth, letting myself imagine the words coming from those soft lips. The twang of his accent would hit every syllable, and my name would sound like a purr rolling off his tongue. And then, just for a second, I let myself think about the way he would kiss, how the words might even be nothing more than a murmur against my skin while he works his way across every plane that makes up my body.

I could text him back. I could ask him to tell me everything I've missed. I'm sure he would tell me they've already watched Home Alone because it's his favorite, and baked the peanut butter cookies with the Hershey kiss in the middle because it's his grandma's best recipe. I could press the screen twice and the phone would ring. He would pick up right away, and the sound of his voice could fill my ears, lulling me to sleep while he tells me how much he missed me. It would feel like we're together, even if we can't be. I still haven't forgiven him, but it has stopped me from missing him. I can't quite get the message across to my mind and my body, and my heart is too far gone. He still owns too much of it, and even if we never speak again, I don't think I'll ever get it back.

Even though Gabi's family is like a second one to me, I find myself feeling left out. If things hadn't gone so wrong, I could be in Texas right now too. This could be their last Christmas with Shea, and even though I only met her once, it doesn't feel right to miss it. I could be there with my camera, capturing the memories, helping to make them.

I leave the message unanswered, though. Reaching out now, before I've given myself a chance to sort through all of it would mean dragging myself into the darkest depths of my mind. The what if's and buts would take over, leaving me unable to just enjoy moving forward with Taylor. I'm past the days of doing what's easy to find the temporary fix. Call it a preterm New Year's resolution. I'm putting myself and my needs first, because I know the only person I'm hurting is myself if I don't. If his message did anything, it reminds me that he's still waiting, that he'll be there whenever I'm ready. And if he's not, then he really isn't who I thought he was.