Wide Open

s i x t y f o u r

I thank God that Camryn didn't hang around the hotel, or return to the banquet. It was enough to explain to my mom why I was scrambling around when I stumbled back inside. But I needed to find Cal.

I feel like such a fucking coward. My stomach rolled watching her walk away from me tonight. It was like feeling myself become a part of her past. Like I would be lumped in with the painful memories that she doesn't want to think about. And that's without her knowing the whole truth.

I tried to shut it off. The feelings, the looks and the touching, but I can't help the way my body is drawn to hers. Being around her feels like medicine, and pretending I don't need it is getting harder and harder to fight. I don't want to fight it, but she deserves more than this. Still, I tried to tell her how I feel, but the attempt was pathetic. I wasn't lying when I told her I want her, and I had hoped the kiss would say everything I couldn't. To show her the weeks I've dreamed of doing it, or the way I could have laid her out across that table and feasted on her for dinner.

But it wasn't enough.

"What the fuck is your probelm?" Cal says pulling his arm from my grip as I shove him into the same conference room thirty minutes later.

"I need out," I explain, "Our deal, the money, I don't want it anymore. Camryn doesn't need me and I don't want to be her fucking babysitter. I want out." I leave out the fact that I very much want to watch after Camryn, but on my terms. But without a dollar sign waving over her head, or with me running back to her brother to tell him things he should already know. I only ever want to feel the relief I did when I saw her tonight and it won't happen until I settle this.

"Not an option." Cal crosses his arms over his chest and readjusts his stance.

"I'm not doing it, I can't." I don't know if my head has stopped shaking since we walked in here. "Don't you feel like shit? We're messing with her and she has no idea. Don't you care about what she'd think if she found out?"

"So that's what this is about?" Cal smirks. "You're worried about what Camryn would think about you if she found out. Worried she won't like you anymore, Cowboy?"

I nearly chipped a tooth trying not to move towards him. The smug look on his face is pissing me off more than his words. "Yeah, I am." I can't deny it anymore and the confession is a weight off my shoulders even if I can't do anything about it until I convince him to release me.

When Cal doesn't say anything I continue to beg. I'd get down on my knees if I thought it would make a difference. "C'mon man. You know I wouldn't be here if this wasn't important, if she wasn't important. If it's about the money I'll pay it back. The second the season is over I'll get a job and we can work out the terms. And you can tell your dad to stop with the extra. I don't want it."

Cal's brows pull tight for a second as he says, "Extra?" But he quickly moves on. "What about your mom?"

I shake my head and swallow back the vomit rising in my throat. I swore I wouldn't do this, but I don't have a choice. I thought I could make it to the end of the season. I thought I had time to figure it all out, but a girl like Camryn won't wait. I'll be lucky if my rejection tonight didn't ruin any chances I had with her in the first place. "Let me worry about that. Just—do we have an understanding? No more money. Camryn never finds out."

Cal walks around the room, moving to the windows and using a finger to push the blinds to the side so he can see the street. "You're not just trying to fuck her?"
"That's your sister, Nine." I point out, but he raises his brows in question. "No. I like her, man. I'll take care of her, but I'm not doing it for money."

He rounds the table and heads to the door and opens it. He glances at me over his shoulder and I'm trying not to hold my breath. "Camryn never finds out." And then he walks out.

🏈🏈🏈

I think my mom was more sad about Camryn not being here to say goodbye than she was for me to just drop her at the airport as soon as the banquet was over. I couldn't explain it fully, but when I mentioned needing to find Camryn to apologize, my mom and sister both were glad for the rushed goodbye.

I've called and texted while driving too fast back from the airport. And I throw the truck into park before I've even stopped all the way outside her dorm. I don't even know if she's home. Part of me is prepared for an all night manhunt through the city. With long strides, I run across the street and up the concrete stairs. I know the building is locked, but I try the handle anyway. The students working behind the front desk are eyeing me and don't help me.

At least another ten minutes of pacing passes before a group of people make their way into the building, letting me in. "Uhm, do you live here?" A girl towards the back asks, but I'm already to the stairwell. Taking them two at a time, the seam of my pants stretches and threatens to rip, but I still don't slow down.

I'm at her door in record time, and I finally stop to catch my breath. I raise a fist to knock, but it swings open before I have a chance to like she's been waiting for me. I hear the catch in her breath as her eyes find mine, but relief moves through my body anyway.

"Hi," I say, fighting the urge to just reach out and grab her.

Camryn's pause is long and drawn out, but eventually she exhales. "Hi."

It's all the permission I need to finally touch her. I don't give her a second to argue or push me away. Without wasting another second I cover her mouth with my own. I keep the first kiss brief, pulling away to search for any sign that she doesn't want me to keep going. Camryn's only response is to wrap her fists in my shirt to pull me back to her again.