"with the right person, you don't have to try so hard to be happy. it just happens"
Join Lola throughout this new found life that she's made for herself after leaving her abusive ex boyfriend. With her best friend Isabelle by her side, she ventures...
It was now 4pm, Harry had just left my apartment to head back to his, grab a shower and get changed ready to meet the other sidemen this evening. I can't lie, my nerves had kicked in as soon as he left.
Harry had let me know that he'd be back here to pick me up at 6 and that he'd have a car pick us up from my apartment to take us to the bar we were meeting the others at.
I headed up to my bedroom and picked out an outfit. Harry had told me to dress however I was comfortable and that it wasn't a dressy bar so I opted for a black hoodie with a khaki denim skirt which I would pair with some black boots. I placed my clothes on my bed and headed into my en-suite to have a shower.
As soon as the hot water hit my body, I felt all my pent up nerves release. I quickly washed my body and my hair before turning the water off and wrapping a towel around my body.
Once I'd dried myself from my shower, I wrapped a dressing gown around myself and sat down at my vanity desk to style my hair and put some make up on. I grab my phone and text Isabelle.
Lola: hey babes! thank you for checking in on me earlier, i appreciate you so much xxx
Isabelle: always my girl, i'm glad you're happy, I'll come over tomorrow and we can catch up properly, I want to hear all about your date last night. I'm meeting cal soon for some dinner. What's your plans?xxx
Lola: yes defo, please do! hope you and cal have a lovely meal, i'm so happy for you! i'm just getting myself ready, harry'll be back here in about an hour, we're going to some bar to meet the other boys xxx
Isabelle: oh you're meeting the others already?! how do you feel about that?xxx
Lola: a little nervous tbh, but i feel okay i think xxx
Isabelle: I'm only a message away if you need me, enjoy your evening, I look forward to hearing all about it tomorrow. Love you my girl xxx
Lola: love you, have a good night xxx
I closed my messages and opened Instagram to see that Harry had posted a photo.
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@wroetoshaw - happy :)
liked by @lolahillx, @behzingagram, @KSI and 842,649 others.
@KSI - of course you are, you're seeing me soon bro
@tobjizzle - we love to see it
@lolahillx - ♥️ liked by creator
I smile to myself and close Instagram. Deciding it was time to actually get ready.
I opted for a natural make up look and curled my hair a little so it was more like waves. Once my hair and face were complete, I got dressed into the outfit I'd already put on the bed ready.
I still had at least 30 minutes until Harry arrived back at my apartment so I decided to pull out my journal from my bedside unit, deciding to have a flick through some of my old notes and poems, something I hadn't done for quite some time now.
The first poem I read is one that I wrote not long before I left Jamie.
'I will never love the same after you, I was always the girl that loved so hard that it hurt, until it actually HURT. I watched you change every day, you eventually became someone I told myself that I would never settle for. But how do I leave you? I told myself that it was just a rough patch, we can work through this, I will do more to make you love me again, because I don't give up on people. So why would I do that to you? I will put myself through hell for you, I will hate myself to love you and I will rip myself apart so that you feel cared for because I was serious when I said that I would die for you. And I almost did. You ripped me apart like I had nothing left. I cared so much about you that I stopped caring about myself completely. I lost who I was and I was no longer strong, I watched myself change every day. I eventually became someone I told myself I would never be, but it's my fault for not having a limit on how much I'm willing to give and for how long I'm willing to stay. For loving you more than I loved myself because I loved you so hard, so hard that it hurt and for that I will never love the same after you.'
It was strange to read back on this one particular poem, because right now I can feel myself starting to fall for Harry. I genuinely believed when I wrote this that I would never find anybody else and maybe that's why I put up with Jamie's shit for so much longer than I should have.
I turned the page over to the next poem.
Sometimes 'Sometimes I still find myself subconsciously absent-mindedly thinking about you, sometimes it still hurts and I hate that I still think about you, they say forgive and don't forget but I would wipe out every memory of you if I had the choice. I would forget you entirely, I would turn my back and never think of you for a second. My head and my heart are not aligned because in my head I hate you but my heart wants to look past all the bad and continue to love the person you once were, a person that is no longer, just a distant memory'
I wrote 'sometimes' after I'd finally plucked up the courage to walk away. It's crazy how much life can change in such a short amount of time.
I turn the page again.
'I am desperate to be happy again, it has been so long, I do not remember what it is I am chasing, I do not remember what happiness feels like. But I know I want it again. I want it so badly.'
I feel a stray tear fall down my cheek, I remember writing this, I remember the pain I was feeling, how I couldn't continue to write any longer, every stroke of the pen on paper breaking me a little more. I wipe my tear away and smile a little because at this moment in time, I was happy. A happiness that I hadn't felt for a good few years and it was all thanks to Harry.
I decide to turn to a clear page and write a little something about him. The man who made me genuinely happy.
And then I met him, his eyes were a new shade of blue and his voice was deeper, his laugh was quieter, he grabbed my hand without hesitation and hugged me so tightly. He looked at me like he thought I was perfect. With that, my heart felt safe beating next to his and suddenly the pain I felt from the one I lost seemed so irrelevant because it took my heart breaking for me to end up here, here with him. And the most beautiful part is, I wasn't even looking when I found him.
I placed my pen down and right on cue my phone pinged, indicating I had received a text. I placed my notebook and pen back in my bedside unit and grabbed my phone, mentally noting to start writing again.
Harry x I'll be with you in 5, shall I come up? X
Lola Of course, I'll be ready. See you soon x
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A/N - hope you liked this chapter, it was more of a filler before Lola meets the other boys. How did you feel about the added poems? Do you like it or na? Don't forget to follow me on TikTok - harrylewisxw2s :)
