The Kids Screaming Oliolioxenfree [Editing]

Apologetic Penny Boards. (Ch.19)

Tears began to involuntarily escape the orifices in my unbelievably pale face. I hadn't even approached him yet. But once I was in his presence, on my roof, I realized just how much I love him. But I don't. I don't love him. He doesn't love me.

"A-...A-...A-drian?", I asked as I just wanted him to hold me. I felt as if his arms were the safest place in the world. I looked to Vic and then to Adrian.

I walked up to Adrian and put a hand on his shoulder. He quickly pulled away with gasp. He pulled his sleeves down as he stood up and then turned around. I should've asked about his sleeves. Maybe he was just cold. I was too distracted by his tears to do anything.

He looked at me with a sour face.
"What's this?", I asked wiping a tear off of his cheek. He pulled away from my hand and grabbed my wrist, replacing it at my chest.
"A tear you dumbass.", he replied irritated.
"I know what it is. I want to know why they're there."
"Because you can't just use me! All you do is tell me you love me and then turn back around and stab me in the back. I can't do it anymore. Love me or hate me I'm out. I can't do this.",he pushed me away and made his way toward my room.

I stayed on the roof and thought for a while. I have stabbed Adrian in the back. Maybe it's because I don't want to drag him into this. This mess that I am.

It wasn't long before I realized that Vic was sitting next to Adrian who had broken down on my driveway. I just grabbed my purse and my penny board, and leaped off the roof.

I rode down my street. My mind set on one location.

I arrived in less than twenty five minutes. Minutes in which I spent thinking about every single time I'd hurt Adrian. How nice everything would be if I was gone. How perfect everything would be if I would just disappear into oblivion. And then I arrived at my school.

As soon as I got in I left for the abandoned bathroom. I grabbed a pen and paper out of my purse and began to write. I decided to write a letter for each individual person.

Dear Mother,
If you're reading this then I'm dead. I can't tell you why though you may ask other people and they might know. I'm not sure at the time that I am writing this how I will die. I'm not even sure if the ambulance will show up. I'm sure they have more important things to do than worry about a worthless nobody.
I love you
Kat...

And the same for Ana and Johnnie whom I haven't spoken too in weeks. And then Adrian's. I contemplated whether or not to actually write him one. I don't want to upset him. But I have too.

Adrian Aryel,
I love you. I'm not sure what else to say. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to throw us into oblivion. I love you. But I didn't want you to love me. I didn't want to hurt you and I was sure that you're loving me would result in pain. Please forgive me Adrian. Because if you're reading this I am dead. I'm not pathetic anymore. I did it. I pulled the trigger. Or kicked the chair out from under me. I'm not sure at this moment how I will die but I know that surely I will. For the mere fact that I've caused you so much pain. But you don't understand the red. What it's like to crave the red. I don't want you too understand. Because I love you. I hope you never loved me for the mere reason that I never wanted to hurt you. Please Adrian. All I can ask is that you forgive me. And you forgive my friends.
Love,
Whales.

With that I taped my bloodstained friends to the letter. All but one. Because that one would help me through my last couple hours. I needed that one.

Thirty three slashes. I needed air. I decided to ride my beloved penny board home.

When I got home it was quiet. No Adrian. No Vic. No lights on in the house. I walked to my bedrooms and reached for the purse, presumably slung on my shoulder.
Shit. Oh fuck. The letters. My purse. It's gone. It's all at school.

Fuck.