The Waters - A Beta Squad Story (bxb)

15. Hold On Tight

Aj felt so weak. He wished he could just explain what was going on, but he didn't know how. He just knew that he wasn't feeling right. He was shaking uncontrollably, and his heart felt like it was going to jump out of his chest.

He couldn't even try to express himself verbally, his breath coming in short intervals. He leaned into the touch, feeling the warmth and comfort radiating from Chunkz. The other boy didn't say anything else; he just let him cry and be for however long he needed. It was like a small oasis in the middle of the storm.

Aj was struggling. He gripped his own T-shirt tight, pulling it away from his neck to try and inhale more air into his lungs.

"Hey," Chunkz whispered, his voice gentle, "Aj, come on, man. Slow breaths."

Aj cried harder; he felt like he was going to die. He didn't want to die from heartbreak. He thought that it was a silly thing to have your heart belong to someone and to have them also be the cause of its destruction. Anything else would have been a better reason.

Chunkz didn't let go; he held on tight as Aj leaned into him, his body still shaking. Chunkz was mildly familiar with Aj's anxious outbursts, but he's never seen Aj have a full panic attack due to his always choosing to hide away instead of ask for help. He stroked Aj's back, trying to soothe him. "It's alright, man. You're okay. You're with me. You're safe."

The words didn't seem to get through the distress that Aj was in. Aj felt like he was drowning, like there was no air left in his lungs. He couldn't stop crying and couldn't stop shaking. He was also pulling on his own hair and ears. Noises were overwhelming and surrounding him, even in the closed-off bathroom. His heart felt like it was going to explode out of his chest. He felt so weak and helpless.

He leaned into the touch, burying his face into Chunkz's neck, breathing in the familiar scent. It was an odd feeling, knowing that someone's touch was offering so much stability and that he wasn't cowering away instead. It was like a lifeline, something anchoring him to reality. He clung to it, desperate for anything that could make this stop. But it didn't go away. The panic attack only seemed to get worse.

Chunkz held him, feeling equally helpless, rubbing his back and murmuring soothing words. His heart ached for his friend, wanting to make it all better but knowing there was nothing he could say or do that would take away the pain.

Aj faintly heard Chunkz on the phone talking to someone, although the only coherent words he could make out were 'bag', 'car', 'backseat', and 'bathroom'.

Chunkz hung up and attempted to uncurl Aj's hands from his hair. Loosening the grip, he moved the hands to pull on his own shirt instead.

There was a loud knock at the door. Aj's hands flew back to his ears as he was propped up against the bathroom wall.

Chunkz got up to unlock the door, re-locking it behind the new addition to the room. They ran up to Aj, and a pair of headphones were placed over Aj's head, covering his hands. He pulled his hands out to hold onto the headphones. He knew they were his own when he felt the chip in the plastic on the right side near his cheek.

The headphones were connected to someone's device as he heard the soft music stream through his ears. His eyes were squeezed close.

The other two boys sat down on either side of him, Chunkz to his left and Sharky to his right. They both stared at him, not saying anything as they waited for him to calm down.

The music that was playing through the headphones was soft and soothing—nothing too loud or chaotic. It helped Aj to focus on something other than the panic attack. He closed his eyes, taking deep breaths as he listened to the music. Slowly but surely, the trembling in his body began to subside, and his breathing returned to a steadier rhythm.

Chunkz and Sharky didn't take their eyes off him, waiting for any sign that he was ready to talk or that he needed more help. They didn't want to intrude or make him feel uncomfortable, but they also wanted to make sure he was okay.

The music continued to play softly in Aj's ears, and after a few more minutes, his breathing had returned to almost normal. His grip on the headphones loosened, and he slowly removed them from his ears. His eyes were red and puffy from crying, and he had a distant look in them.

Chunkz and Sharky exchanged glances, knowing that this wasn't over yet. They waited for Aj to speak, not wanting to push him into saying anything he wasn't ready to. Finally, he looked up at the wall in front, his voice barely above a whisper. "I can't do this anymore. I can't keep going like this."

The words hung in the air, heavy with emotion. Chunkz and Sharky exchanged another glance, this time filled with understanding and sympathy. Chunkz reached out, placing a hand on Aj's bent knee. "Hey, man. We're here for you, you know that. We'll figure something out, okay?"

Aj looked down at Chunkz's hand on his knee, then back up to the wall. There was a flicker of gratitude in his eyes before it was replaced with doubt. "Yeah... but what if I can't? What if it never gets better? I got better once, and look where I've ended up again."

Chunkz sighed, understanding the hopelessness Aj felt. "I know it's hard to believe right now, but things can get better. You're not alone in this, Aj. We'll figure something out together, okay? We'll get you through this."

Sharky nodded in agreement, his expression serious. "Chunkz is right. We're here for you, man. You're not alone in this. And we'll do whatever it takes to help you feel better."

Aj let out a shaky breath, still looking uncertain. "Okay... but what if it doesn't work?" he whispered.

Chunkz reached out, squeezing the hand that was on Aj's knee. "Look, man. We'll try everything. We'll explore all the options. If something doesn't work, we'll try something else. We'll keep going until we find something that does."

Sharky nodded in agreement. "Yeah, and we're not just talking about therapy or medication. We'll talk to the other guys and see if they have any ideas or suggestions. We can even try some group activities or things to do together."

"No. I mean, thank you, but I don't want you to tell anyone else other than you two. Oh, and Kenny." He added that, knowing Sharky would tell him anyway, he didn't mind the boxer knowing.

"What about Niko? He's like your best friend, man. Don't you want to tell him?" Sharky pushed.

Aj looked down at the floor, his shoulders slumping. "Please." The others were still unaware of part of the cause of this panic attack and the reason for their last argument. He wanted to keep it that way; it was obvious Niko was ashamed of him.

Chunkz and Sharky contemplated their options. They could see the distress in Aj's face and the determination in his voice. They didn't want to push him any further, but they also understood the importance of support.

"Okay," Chunkz finally said. "We won't say anything to Niko. It's your call."

Aj looked up at them, a small smile on his face. "Thanks. I appreciate it."

Aj lay his head on Chunkz shoulder and fell asleep to the sound of the two chatting bouncing off the bathroom walls. They didn't wake him or try to move him; they let him rest after the trouble he had just been through.

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I'm so horrible for putting him through this :(
But I swear there will be happier times just over the hill. Or maybe not.
Enjoy!
-B🎧