The Waters - A Beta Squad Story (bxb)

44. When Can I Leave?

As they drove on, the rain began to let up, and the streets slowly dried out. The sky lightened, and Niko switched on the radio to distract himself. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, trying to decide how to approach the situation with Aj. When they arrived at the house, Niko glanced over at his friend, who was still fast asleep. With a sigh, he got out of the car and walked around to the passenger side, opening the door gently.

"Hey, Aje, we're here," he said softly. There was no response, so he leaned in, gently shaking Aj's shoulder. "Come on, man, you need to get up."

Aj violently jolts awake at the sound of Niko's voice, blinking sleep from his eyes. He glances around, disoriented for a moment, before realising where he is. He shrugs off Niko's hand and ignores his worried glance, mumbling a thanks and taking off into the house, his heart racing.

He runs up to his room, the memory of his dream plastered on the back of his eyelids. He flings open his bedroom door and dives onto the bed, curling into a ball, trying to get rid of the image. His heart pounds in his ears, making it hard to think or breathe.

This time, he had made his way towards his dad in the dream, just outside his mother's hotel room. His father had looked infuriated and was reaching to grab on to his shoulder at the same time Niko had done so in the conscious world. This made the hold feel real, which triggered his anxiety.

So now Aj was in his room, fighting off an almost inevitable panic attack in order to have enough time to get ready for their shoot. He could hear his phone buzzing somewhere on his bedside table, but he didn't want to acknowledge it. He wanted to ignore everything and just focus on trying to get himself together. He could feel the familiar tingling sensation in his fingers and toes, the tightness in his chest, and the racing of his heart.

He suddenly sits up, searching his bedside table for something he had been given. His hands tremble, failing to find them. He stood up and stumbled out of his room and down the stairs, still feeling the panic clawing at his throat. He could see the other members of the house trying to talk to him as he walked into the kitchen, but he couldn't hone in on any one voice.

He finds the pot he needs on top of the fridge, and with shaking hands, he opens the pill bottle, trying to steady his breathing as he accidentally spills some onto the counter. He shoves a few into his mouth, swallowing them dry. The taste is bitter and chalky, but he doesn't care as he keeps his mouth shut through the gags. All he can think about is the relief they'll bring—the numbness he so desperately needs. He stays standing, head leaning on the counter, hand clutching the half-empty pill bottle that his therapist had prescribed him with, waiting for the sensation to pass.

The kitchen was now silent as the four other men in the house watched in shock and concern as Aj stood there, his breathing laboured and shallow. They knew better than to interrupt him and ask what was wrong.

After what felt like an eternity but was likely only fifteen minutes, Aj finally straightened up, wiping the beads of sweat and rainwater from his forehead. He began scooping up the scattered pills off the counter, carefully putting them back into the bottle. His hands still trembled, but they were steadier now. He closed the bottle with a click, shoving it into his pocket.

Chunkz approached the shaky, damp man with caution. "Aj, what-" He spoke gently, his voice low and reassuring. Aj looked up at him with red-rimmed eyes, his expression twisted in pain. This made Chunkz cut his sentence short.

"You said things would get better," Aj says brokenly, his voice barely audible over the sound of the rain outside. He walks out, leaving everyone else in the house stunned and concerned. The weight of his words hangs heavily in the air, as if a physical presence itself. The four other members of the house exchange glances, unsure of what to do or say.

Kenny turned towards Niko, confusion in his eyes. "What happened?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. Niko shrugged, not wanting to admit that he didn't know either.

Without knowing what else they could do, the group dispersed to their rooms, each of them lost in their own thoughts. Aj's words echoed in their minds, filling the house with an unspoken weight. It was as if a part of them had died, and they were all struggling to understand how this had happened and how they could have failed him. They knew they needed to talk to him to help him, but the fear of making things worse only made them more paralysed.

Hours passed, and the rain showed no signs of letting up. However, they still had a shoot to attend, so they all got ready. When the car arrived at the house, Aj made sure he was outside first so he could sit on his own in the passenger's seat.

They all make it to the shoot, thankful that they were filming a mukbang video so everyone could relax themselves in the comfort of the set. Throughout the filming, Aj involves himself with the group, cracking jokes and laughing with the others. He was so good that anyone watching wouldn't know about his distance from the group.

The tension only built back up towards the end of the filming when they started to answer questions that people had sent in. One of the questions was about who they thought would leave YouTube first. While the others discussed how it wouldn't be them and if it was, then it wouldn't be any time soon, Aj took it upon himself to answer truthfully.

"I reckon it will be me," Aj finally answered. The room went silent for a moment, as if everyone was waiting for him to take it back. But he didn't. Instead, he looked up at them, meeting each of their eyes in turn. "I mean, I don't know for sure, but... I've been feeling really burnt out lately. I love making videos, and I love all of you, but... I don't know. I just feel like it's time for a change."

They swiftly moved on to another question, trying to ignore the weight of Aj's words. But it was clear that the other members of the group were just as unsettled as he was. As they wrapped up the shoot, the air between them felt tense and fragile. No one quite knew what to say to Aj or how to help him.

"Aje, how serious were you? I mean, you're the heart and soul of this group," said Chunkz, trying to reassure him.

"At the minute, very," Aj sighed, readjusting his cap. "I just feel like I need a change, you know? Maybe it's just burnout; maybe it's something else. I don't know. But I need to figure it out. I can't keep going like this."

The other members of the group looked at each other, unsure of what to say. They knew Aj was serious, but they didn't want to lose him. They had all been through so much together, and they couldn't imagine continuing without him.

Chunkz moved to sit next to Aj on the sofa, wrapping him in his arms and holding him tight. "You know we're here for you, right? No matter what you decide, we'll support you. We'll help you figure things out. We're not going anywhere."

Tears welled up in Aj's eyes as he buried his face into Chunkz's shoulder. He clung to him, feeling the warmth and strength of his embrace. It was everything he needed in that moment. "I know," he whispered. "I just... I feel so lost right now."

"I think we all need to have a talk when we get home; me and Ken want to talk to you all about something as well," Sharky pitched in.

"Yeah, of course," Aj nodded. He looked around the room, taking in the faces of his friends. They were all worried about him, and it made him feel even more guilty for even considering leaving. But he couldn't shake the feeling that something had to change.

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Poor Aj :(((
We are getting close to the end of the book.