The Waters - A Beta Squad Story (bxb)

42. What's Wrong With Me

(Big Trigger Warning!!! Big mentions of suicide and descriptive self harm - between the '****')

If you do not want to read this chapter send me a message or reply to this with a comment and I will summarise it for you :)

Chunkz sat there, stunned, for a moment. He hadn't expected things to go this far. He'd never known Aj to be like this, consumed by such levels of self-loathing and guilt. It was as if he were a completely different person. Chunkz slowly rose to his feet, hesitating for a moment before finally following after his friend. When he reached Aj's bedroom, he knocked softly on the door. There was no answer. He tried again, a little louder this time. Still nothing. He took a deep breath and then, with a heavy heart, turned and walked away, leaving Aj alone with his thoughts and his pain.

Behind the closed door of his bedroom, Aj lay curled up on his bed, sobbing uncontrollably. The pain in his chest was unbearable, as if someone had reached inside and was twisting his heart. He couldn't breathe, couldn't think, and couldn't feel anything but the agony that consumed him. He felt as if he were a monster, unworthy of love or happiness.

He knew it wasn't fair for him to force Chunkz into something like this and regretted doing it. and the amount of regret that had been coursing through his body over the past few weeks was getting increasingly difficult to handle.

In a desperate attempt to feel something, anything, he stood up and walked into his bathroom, the light flickering when he turned it on. He switched on the faucet, letting the hot water run over his hands, watching as his skin went from pink to red. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this empty, this numb, yet so overwhelmed with emotion. He wasn't sure how or why he was feeling such a contrast.

**********

He reached into the drawer below the sink, his fingers trembling as they closed around the edge of a razor. He pulled it out, staring at it for a moment before bringing it closer to his wrist. The cold steel felt good against his skin, a welcome relief from the burning pain that had consumed him for so long, even if it was for a fleeting moment.

He paused, feeling a surge of panic at the thought of actually going through with it. His hands trembled, the razor slipping slightly as he struggled to hold onto it. Tears streamed down his face, thinking about the thought of being caught and his friends finding out. He couldn't bear the thought of the disappointment and the shame. His fingers tightened around the blade, his heart racing as he lifted his shorts instead, exposing the smooth skin of his thigh.

The cold steel bit into his skin, drawing a thin line of blood. He winced, feeling a strange sensation spread through him as he dragged the blade across his flesh again and again. It was like a twisted form of release, a way to feel something other than the hollowness that consumed him. He closed his eyes, tears spilling over onto his cheeks as he let the pain take over, letting it wash away the guilt and the self-hatred that had been eating at him for so long.

He stopped, throwing the blade into the sink with a clatter, blood dripping onto the porcelain. His hands shook violently, his breath coming in ragged gasps as he stared at the mess he'd made. It was horrible and disgusting, but at the same time...it felt like the only thing that had been real in a long time. The pain in his leg was a welcome distraction from the ache in his chest and the anger and self-hatred that had been eating away at him for as long as he could remember. He collapsed onto the floor as the tears continued to fall. He couldn't remember the last time he'd cried like this, felt this raw and exposed.

**********

He crawled into the shower and turned on the water, letting it beat down on his body, washing away the blood and the tears. It felt good, almost cathartic, to feel the hot water against his skin, to feel something other than the hollowness that had been consuming him.