Where You Are

Birgitta's Apartment

Birgitta

I must have re-read the little card a hundred times over the past few days.

Birgitta,
I will fight for you.
All my love,
Jesse

I still got choked up reading it. When the beautiful arrangement of lilacs, peonies and ferns had arrived the day after he'd left for London again, I'd actually started tearing up in front of the other nurses. I'd snatched the card and shoved it in my pocket before anyone else could read it. They'd all been curious, but I didn't want to talk about it. This was between me and Jesse.

How had he known that those were the words I would have given anything to hear my entire life? I hadn't told him. I hadn't told anyone. The card was getting worn, I kept it in my pocket and handled it often. I didn't want anything to happen to it, those five words meant everything to me. It wasn't even in his own writing, just the generic print that came from the florist. I brought the flowers home, too. No way was I leaving them at work. I needed them in my apartment.

Maybe I'd acted too quickly. He'd told me multiple times he knew that what he did wasn't right. He'd said he understood why it upset me. But he still did it. I wasn't mad anymore, I was just sad. I wanted more than anything for him to be my person, but I wouldn't put myself in a position where my partner didn't fully trust me. It had taken a while for me to develop a sense of self-worth, I wasn't going to throw it away over a man.

But he wasn't just a man, he was Jesse. He was sweet, funny, kind, thoughtful, not to mention handsome. And he wanted me. Of anyone in the literally entire world he could have chosen, he wanted me to be his girlfriend.

I'd had a hard time sleeping since he'd left. My bed had never felt empty before he'd spent the night in it with me. I felt so alone. I missed the way his heavy arm felt draped over the narrowest part of my waist while we slept and the way he tucked his chin over my head. We fit together like two puzzle pieces, more perfectly than I could have ever imagined.

It was so hard not to text him. Apart from 'good morning' and 'goodnight', I didn't engage with him for anything other than that, no matter how much I wanted to. I had some thinking of my own to do, especially after the card that had come with the flowers. It truly was surreal, having someone want to fight for me. No one had ever fought for me before in my life. As soon as things became too difficult, the friendship too inconvenient to maintain, their reputation was at risk, or when I wouldn't put out, people dropped out of my life. It was hard not to think something was wrong with me. It was hard not to close myself off in an effort of self-preservation.

But then Jesse had barrelled into my life and wouldn't take no for an answer. I'd tried pushing him away, gave him several opportunities to get out, but he hadn't taken any of them. It felt like a dream, it couldn't be real. I'd been trained my entire life to believe that I wasn't worth any extra effort. I thought I was past it, but now I was realizing that I wasn't fully. I kept to myself, didn't put myself out there, went to work, came home, maybe went to the grocery store or out for a run on my own, but that was it. I never made myself vulnerable.

What a sad life. Apart from my trips that I went on as often as I could, I didn't get out much. Maybe I was subconsciously pushing Jesse away. Maybe I was trying to scare him into leaving me. I'd never been so emotionally close to anyone before. What was it that he saw in me? He must see something, otherwise he wouldn't have travelled across the Atlantic all these times just to see me.

Damn it. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

And now I'd scared him off.

My phone suddenly pinged, dragging me from my thoughts and making me jump. I forgot it wasn't on silent anymore. I was so desperate to hear from Jesse, even if I was determined not to respond to him, that I'd turned the ringer on.