Nobody asked me but.. Cancer

Port Fear

It sounds like a crazy place you might be intrigued to discover? Kinda like pandora's box. Unfortunately, this is not a treasure to discover. My Bean needs a chest port put in. I know she is scared and I just wish my baby girl didn't have to go through any of this. I wish I could take away all the pain, agony, fear and more. I would bear all this instead. Hell, I would even take the tumor I named Bastard if I could. I have conversations with the thing attached to my baby's beautiful heart. I tell him you don't pay rent and you're not staying here. We're gonna use chemo as a tool to eradicate him like he was never here. So much anger I feel from everything my fifteen year old daughter has had to face. We are learning at home together, which days after chemo will be the better days. We have settled at about day nine. I guess maybe this could change but we will see how things go with treatment, moving forward. It makes my heart happy that I can help my child heal thru this ordeal. I have made smoothies and added Carnation instant breakfast for the extra protein boost. Our Oncologist said that keeping protein levels up will really fight this Bastard. Yep, there's the name I gave him again. I pray so hard that these chemo meds don't damage my baby's beautiful heart. It is a side effect and the doctors are dispensing an iv medication meant to protect her heart. I hope all of the meds work in the right way for the purposes they were designed for. We got in some mall walking today and caught a makeup sale on some nice tinted, moisturizing lipsticks. We grabbed some pepperoni pizza at the food court. It was a nice, small adventure that had yielded us some quality time. With the beautiful weather, it was nice to get out and enjoy it. After the mall walking we were both tired and came home to nap. But, back to the subject at hand; I will be so glad when the port is put in my baby's chest. I do feel bad because I know she will have some postop pain once again. This time not caused by a biopsy. Pain was not well controlled the first time around, and as a mother it was gruesome to watch my child writhe in pain. I believe I have passed onto her my fast healing super powers, though, so atleast we have that on our side. I am so glad I am organized and have my shit together because if I didn't, my ship would've sunk a long time ago. Everyone asks the loaded question, if I am ok. It's always a fully loaded question. My mind says no, my baby had cancer and we didn't ask for this. I hate when people try to compare stories of their suck kid with that of a kid with cancer. My mind shuts that conversation off immediately. Just like a hotel, completely checked out. My goodness? I wish I could say the port was my only fear. Would you believe me if I told you ever since I heard the word cancer, I couldn't breathe?