Nobody asked me but.. Cancer

Day 14/15

Well, we were surprised to see Bean's body react to the chemo as fast as it did. Five days after the first treatment, her hair was falling out on her shirt. But today? Today is day fourteen. The hair is now falling out in clumps. It knots so easily and if you try to detangle it just falls out. My Bean is devastated over losing her locks. It's been a hard day dealing with the harsh reality of the looming hairloss. We visited with a favorite cousin today. Evelyn came over with lots of treats and fun surprises to boost Bean's morale. We did face masks and took silly pictures. We definitely had way too much fun doing that. Evelyn came over with her cute little dog Cooper, who was wearing a jean jacket. He was adorable. We ordered takeout from a nearby mexican restaurant. We shared a nice family meal. We tried on these fun teddy bear looking hats she brought that are just the cutest things ever. They almost have a scarf attachment at the bottom with cute ears at the tops. Like bears or cats perhaps. Evelyn is our cousin, but I look up to her as an older sister figure. We now have cozy hats on Chemo days as it gets so cold up north where we have to travel to. That will make mornings more comfortable. Eighty miles one way but I would drive a million miles just to keep my Bean alive if I had to. Day fifteen arrives. Today was a day with emotions, like a mixed bag of tricks. Every time we turned around, there was more hairloss. It was so hard to console my Bean. I can hug her and tell her a million times how much I love her, but I could not make her hair come back. I could not make her pretty face stop crying. That sense of helplessness as a parent is indescribable. I hated every minute of it. Day fourteen was heavy, but fifteen is heavier. I just tried my best to make her laugh every chance I got. Just to see her smile, made me feel like I had gotten something right. Bean is debating on shaving her head. I told her I am with her if she chooses to do it or not. I also said it doesn't have to be today. I am here for whatever and whenever she decides to do it. I would shave it for her so she didn't have to leave our home. 1 more day until treatment, and the suspense is killing me. I guess you could call it anxiety. Mainly because I know some things of what to expect but of course there is always something unknown at every treatment visit. I wish I knew exactly how things could go, and I would be able to plan better. Perhaps plan in a way that would make the whole order comfortable for my teen. The reality is nothing about chemo is comfortable. I tucked in my baby for the night and had to write as I looked back in today. I have to be the strength and backbone of this mission but it is so hard. I hope I have what it takes for every day moving forward. Gosh, day fifteen has been hard as nails. We went in the afternoon for a sweet and frozen treat at the mall. We stumbled into a few stores for different options for hair. Headbands, caps and of course the wig store. We found this beautiful wig with pink and blonde hombre style, with beautiful layers and bangs. She was one hundred dollars. They way Bean's face lit up when she saw it; I could not say no. So home we went, with this pretty longlayered wig. At home it was time to shave it down. Bran decided this beautiful pink wig she named Lisa was her motivation for the hair to come off. It was such a sad and emotionally draining experience. I was glad I shaved her and not a stylist in a salon, making small talk over this type of cut. That just wouldn't be appropriate. After being so sad with the hairloss, my Bean showered and tried on the wig. It suits her fun and bubbly personality not to mentions looks absolutely gorgeous on her. With the bangs clipped to the side, Bean was somewhat happy again. She decided to do makeup to see what she would look like now. I sense there is some excitement hiding behind the worry and sadness. The makeup with the wig was completely stunning. For a fifteen year old, Bean has some great talent with makeup. She spoke to me later in the day and really hates the bald head. Bean said she feels like an egg head. She also said she feels like the lady Slim Shady. I told her nobody has to see her bald. She has wigs and hats to help until it grows out. She can decide how she wants to look. I reminded her to journal how she feels. I want her to read back to the beginning when she first started writing on this journey to see how far she has come. For now, I pray we both sleep as we have a morning trip ahead of us. Please God, let my mind relax so I can sleep. Day fifteen you are done, I am so glad today is over.