Keep holding on darling (ETF and FIR fanfic)

Intro

Hi my name is Katelyn but I prefer Kat, very dumb I know but I think it's more unique and less preppy than Katelyn. Anyways, this is my story...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kat's P.O.V.

I feel worthless...I Lost my boyfriend who had saved my life and made me happier than life.
I lost my friend who was basically my sister.
Everyone hates me and thinks I'm a desperate slut. I get a lot of "I love you and you can come to me whenever sweetheart" but they don't mean it at all. I don't know if I can keep going on.
My parents threatened to take me to a mental hospital the next time I cut or at least counseling. I don't need counseling, I need someone who cares like he did...
I was so in love with him but...I messed up. I felt he lied each time he said he loved me. I kept telling myself it didn't bother me and after awhile it didn't but I would cry at night because I didn't feel good enough for him. This girl would always dangle my own boyfriend in front of me and act like he was her boy toy. She told him he could do better and that he didn't want me and that I didn't have a body like hers. She is such a slut. I still hate her to this day.
Anyways, I was always depressed because well duh I was diagnosed as clinically depressed. He found it too overwhelming and said I was narcissistic and I was making him unhappy and that he didn't love me anymore. As soon as he texted me that I ran to the bathroom and was bawling but was being quiet enough so my parents wouldn't hear or my siblings but I grabbed an eyeliner sharpener and took out the screw and got ahold of the razor and immediately slashed through my wrists...I felt my life was over
. "I still want to be friends because I couldn't bare to live without you though.." He said. I calmed down a bit and put the blade in my pocket. But he completely ignored me. At school. Over text, social media, everything. I glided the sharp metal across my thigh until it got to almost the back of my thigh...anyways long story short, I cut a lot over him and he ignored me and we got in a couple fights every now and then but then I would apologize and we would go back to ignoring eachother but honestly our break up was my fault. I'm a fuck up and I fuck up everything and that's why everyone hates me.
But "tbh" the only real thing that kept me going through every single day was...music. Music has been my passion since I was like a toddler, no joke. My sister was going through her "goth phase" and some people would say. And she was my idol so I wanted to be just like her. I wore as much black as a 5 yr. old could and I listened to escape the fate, my chemical romance, five finger death punch, evanescence, etc. and I loved it. I felt so grown up and I told my mom I was "a teenager like Liz(my sister) and that I could do what I wanted." That obviously did not go down well. I was a troubled child from the beginning. One time my uncle hit me on the chest when I was like 9 or something and said I was stupid and pushed me on the ground, and I over exaggerated and I thought it would be a good idea to poison myself and hope that I would die....
My sister caught me with bleach or cleaning stuff or something about to go in my eye (which at the time I thought would kill me wtf) and so she told my mom and they told me to never do it again( blah blah blah.) so I've been a dumb fuck from a very young age.
But anyways, music has been my world since I was young but I didn't really learn to appreciate it until I was 12 and I started listening to the music lyrics and how meaningful and amazing they were. By that time my sister had graduated high school and was in her "normal adult phase." (Boring right? Lol just kidding) but she was still severely depressed. But she stopped listening to all the bands that she did and started listening to stuff on the radio and every once in a while in the car she would play a day to remember and stuff but now. She doesn't listen to them at all. She is engaged now and I love my sister and her fiancé but they hurt me emotionally a lot to be honest. I get hurt by everyone to be honest but I guess it's my fault right? I don't feel loved by anyone at all. My sister and soon-to-be brother-in-law say they love me but always hurt me. Same with my parents. And my friends...they just don't seem interested in me anymore. I have gotten better at hiding my depression lately though but I still hurt inside...I feel fat, ugly, annoying, mean, narcissistic, air-headed, and just like a mess up...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sorry for the super long and confusing intro but I will get on the next chapter ASAP((: