Emails

Chapter 11

Sam.

An alarm blares in my ears like a freaking siren.

I blink. Roll over. Blindly raise my arm and let it fall down.

It misses the target. I am a terrible aimer.

It screams again. Shrills it's time to get up. Screams that I should just get this this damn thing over with.

I turn it off.

Light flashes in my eyes. I blearily look at the crevice gradually opening between the hallway and my room.

The door whines open.

My dad says it's time for him to leave for work.

He closes the door softly. I hear the banging of pots and pans outside. My mom is yelling. Saying that my dad shouldn't do something. Shouldn't keep doing it. The main door closes too. Bashing against its lock.

I close my eyes.

See,

everything.

And damn, it's traumatizing.

+++++

It's normal for people like me. Like Liv.

You relive your life every day.

You question why you did it.

You question why you're still here and not goddamn finding the person who lives with this too.

You question why you're not holding onto that person. Then you figure it out. You know why.

Easy.

You're a coward.

+++++

Sometimes I think I'm forgetting what happened. Did it really happen? Did it really happen? Did I really do that?

I don't think so.

I think I'm forgetting things. I think I'm forgetting that I drove Liv there too.

I told her to do it.

I told her to jump.

I told her to have fun.

I think I'm forgetting that, I'm not just angry at Liv,

I'm angry at myself.

+++++

I pick up a pillow that lays on the ground. I toss it across the room. I pick up a box under my bed. I already know what's in it.

It says, Liv & Sam on top.

I throw that across the room too. It slams against the wall with a loud thump and falls to the ground. I'm sinking against the wall behind me. I'm crying.

I'm crying.

What did I do?