Emails

Chapter 29 | 11 and a half months ago

Liv.

11 and a half months ago.

My career ed. teacher talked a lot.

My classmates hated that. I didn't mind so much.

He was just a very talkative person with a lot of things to say. I could relate to that. One simple discussion could turn into an hour-long lecture about safety and everything. Even his cat named Marco.

His name was Mr. Jameson. He was a middle-aged man with a moustache curled so high up his face, he could see it looking straight at us. It was also a very bushy moustache, so I was pretty sure that he could hide dust inside and get away with it.

He would often pause the lecture just to adjust his moustache so it wasn't in his peripheral view.

He said one time, "Things can either break us or make us. It just depends on what you do with it.

You can hide and let your emotions out.

You can be angry and break everything you see.

Or you can just be numb. You can't feel anything anymore.

The most important thing is that you have support around you. Talk to someone. It'll make you feel better.

I thought, it didn't. I tried to talk to someone, and it didn't. Didn't help at all. Because they didn't understand.

+++++

Sam tried to understand. He tried to understand that I was crying about the ice cream shop. He didn't understand though. I didn't know if he even cared.

But he cried, so he must've been like me.

Only numb.

Even though I had known Sam for seven years, I didn't know him sometimes. He was a stranger. He was someone I couldn't understand either. There were always tiny pieces that I couldn't reach.

He shut down when it came to his family.

He shut down when it came to his emotions.

He cried because he was sad, but he cried alone. He didn't really cry when anyone was around. He was a blank slate when people were watching. He only let himself break down into tears when he was sitting in a corner, on his own.

I saw him once like that. He cried because he thought no one was watching. He wouldn't tell me why though. The first time was when he was twelve.

It made me sad. I didn't know what to do. I just stood there for two solid seconds and hugged him. I said I didn't know what to do, but I'd try to listen. He didn't say anything back; he just nodded.

We didn't talk about that.

+++++

The ice cream shop made us who we were. People looked at the shop and thought, it's a shame that it was torn down. They had really good strawberry ice cream.

I was trying to move on at that point. I was trying to be happy, because when I was sad, Sam didn't know what to do with himself.

People looked at me and wondered what happened to the person who always smiled at everyone.

I tried to be happy,

so people wouldn't be unhappy.