Late Night Thoughts

Looping Thoughts and Innocence Lost

How can I put into words the jumbled mess in my head?
One moment it's peace then I remember and am filled with dread
Guilt penetrates more than the merchants or patrons ever could
All at once I'm in a frozen over desert but sitting on a blazing car hood
A word settles in my brain, which is already racing with trivial thoughts
Sometimes it drowns alone but sometimes pulls me in too and my next hour is bought
And so a new journey begins down memory lane
I have to relive each moment and recognize my part in each pain
It becomes so much I don't realize I'm frozen
I stare at a well and try to throw my woes in
It's all in the past and there's so much to do
But every minute must be confronted, until I emerge from the well born anew
And what's worse is when I don't follow the white rabbit off the plank
My mind rebels and revels until all thoughts are blank
So I narrow my eyes and try to focus
But in my mind's eye there are too many locusts
Until the memory is concrete, if I'm revived it's all wiped
Part of me wants to remember so I can fully deal with each gripe
But I'm admittedly relieved when the scene grows dim
I can focus on my future, not the fire, or him
Them, I should say, there's too many to unlock
I can only hear voices chime in to mock
They aren't the worst, though they likely want themselves to be
The worst are where the only villain is me
So now instead of coming to terms with my hurt
I am pulled, trying to understand how I became overwhelmingly alert
I cannot blame everything on those who raised me
Although, by logic they're the root of some failings
But growing isn't just healing, it's being accountable
I'd gladly take the asphyxiation, over being so gullible
There's nothing I wouldn't give to go back and rewrite my wrongs
Maybe there'd be light and peace, instead of dulled razors and bloody thongs

Still, I suppose all I can do is dive in
And resist the paralysis I'm imposed on a whim
There are ways to remember without dizzying visuals
There are ways to heal, without total dismissal
And every time I hear of an all too common tragedy
I take solace in knowing today is not the end of my symphony
If I had not changed my ways, I know what would have happened
I can see that more clearly than where my memory's gap ends
These things will not be my full definition
They're there and will fade under the right condition
My second chance has been given though I can't fathom why
But I'll take that chance and try to find a life, after starting as a catcher in the rye
Don't take this for strength, my willingness to thrive
I'm simply not ready to stop fighting to survive
Weakness found me long ago, when my pain and anger took hold
It festered in me growing like some poisonous mold
I realize now, my power can only be nurtured by knowledge and empathy
Whether this realization comes too late or just in time?
I suppose we'll have to wait and see