Consider Me Gone

Chapter 7.

Jax

I watched as the words flowed freely from my mind and onto the notepad before me. I hadn't slept much last night, so naturally I was up before everyone else. I started writing to my sons when I was serving my 14-month sentence in Stockton. It all began as a series of little notes from lessons I had learned, but now it feels like it has taken on a life of its own.

Writing feels kind of like therapy to me. A way to jot down the thoughts I usually keep inside. It helps me feel grounded in a world that's constantly changing with the tide. It makes sense to me now why my father had written an entire manuscript.

"Mornin'," I heard Tara's soft voice and looked up to see her leaning up against the doorway. I was caught off guard when I saw her standing there because I had no idea how long she'd been there.

"Mornin'," I said, greeting her with a nervous smile.

"What are you writing?" she asked with a curious smile on her face. "Just jotting some things down," I answered honestly.

"What kinds of things?"

I looked down at the notepad and then back up at her, questioning myself on whether my thoughts were appropriate to share. I mean certainly, she wouldn't want to hear about me warning my boys of the effects of breaking a woman's heart.

Tara smiled at my silence, "My bada** biker is journaling?" I clenched my eyes shut when I felt my cheeks heat up in embarrassment. I didn't know how to respond to her teasing, so I put the notepad away and got up to kiss her instead.

"I got to get ready," I said after planting a kiss on her lips.

"When are you back?" she asked.

"Couple days." Clay has us going out of town to get the rest of the Sons in shape to work for Galindo. He felt that this deal had more reward than risk, and he had a lot of faith in this partnership.

"You really going down there for a bike show?" I could tell by her voice that she didn't believe my excuse. Tara had asked for honesty above all else, but I knew there were some things she couldn't handle hearing. She would never understand working with the cartel, and she would never accept me muling coke for them either.

"You want to know more?" I asked her.

"Hmm," Tara closed her eyes to think. She knew as well as I did that there were some things she just couldn't or didn't want to know. "It's too early."

I agreed and pressed my forehead to hers, "Don't worry. I'll be back before you know it." She snorted at that and rolled her eyes. "It's okay, I'll just plan something with the boys while you're gone."

I nodded my head and then held her engaged hand in mine. The ring shined even in the dimly lit room and Tara looked down to smile at it. "Have you tried talking to her?" I asked, without mentioning Toni's name. I knew it was a long shot, but after seeing Toni last night I thought that maybe the relationship was worth trying again.

Before last night, Toni would have bolted to her car upon seeing me and Tara. She wouldn't even try to make eye contact and would rather walk with her head down than risk doing so. But Tara had informed me that she had spoken, not directly to her, but to Abel. And maybe it was wishful thinking, but that felt like a sign to me.

"Jax," Tara shook her head, "she doesn't want anything to do with me."

"I don't know babe; a lot of time has passed. Maybe she just needs a push?"

"Yeah, and I'll push her right out of Charming." Tara ran her hand through her hair, "I mean, she only said yes to Dr. Sloan because we were standing there. The message is clear, she wants to move on with her life."

I let out a heavy sigh and then kissed the top of Tara's head. I'll always feel bad about ruining their relationship. For stealing Tara's one true friend and betraying my own in the process.

"I'm sorry baby," I said while sweeping her bangs out of her eyes. She smiled sadly and shrugged her shoulders. "At least we have each other, right?" The question felt empty when she said it. In fact, it sounded even a bit sarcastic.

We both knew that no matter what route we took, Toni would have been hurt in the process. There was just no way around it. She was the person who brought us together, as friends and as lovers. My only regret is the pain I caused her in the process.

"This doctor? Is he a good guy?"

Tara looked taken aback by my question, "I mean, he's certainly made a name for himself on the East Coast. He's a great surgeon, I'm surprised he even took the time out of his day to come down to Charming. Why do you ask?"

"No reason; just want to make sure she's okay riding around town with a guy like that."

"A guy like that?" Tara's smile returned as she let out a giggle. "What? Are you afraid to lose your reigning title as the handsome prince of Charming?"

I rolled my eyes at Tara's insinuation. I was by no means intimidated by some pretty boy with soft hands. The guy looks like he's never even seen under the hood of his car. "Oh please, I could take him."

Tara laughed out loud, "I'm sure you can, honey. But don't worry about it, he's only here for a few months then he's back to Seattle. Probably just using Toni as a California booty call." Tara seemed nonchalant as she made her way back to our bedroom.

However, as I stood there, I felt a strong urge to go down to that hospital and set that doctor straight. Toni had been through enough with no help from me, and she deserved someone who was worth a damn.

I know my opinion doesn't carry any weight to her, but I was serious about still wanting to protect her. Which means I'd be ready for whenever Dr. Sloan wanted to cross the line.