Consider Me Gone

Chapter 36.

Jax

I walked into the house with my head low and a lot on my mind. I'd spent the night at Cara Cara's because it was the only thing to keep my mind off Her. The woman I slept with was just a sad imitation of her, but sleeping with her didn't bring me the comfort I needed.

Tara called me a total of six times last night, but I let every one of her attempts go straight to voicemail. I didn't want to speak to her, I didn't want her to see how hard I was taking Toni's rejection. Whatever respect and love I had for Tara was carried out in me not coming home, so that she wouldn't see her husband mourning his ex-wife.

I knew that she was going to be hurt anyway because she would find out about my infidelity. She didn't have to see me with a woman to know that I'd been unfaithful. The lingering scent of cheap perfume mixed with specks of glitter and the red marks on my back would serve as more than enough evidence.

"Where have you been?" I lifted my head to see Tara sitting on the recliner in the living room. There was no wine or blunt with her, just pure sober rage.

"Out," I said plainly. She scoffed at my response and I could see that her eyes were red and puffy. She'd most likely been crying all night because of me.

"Really Jax? That's all you have to say?"

"I don't know what else you want me to say." My tone was cold toward her, and I knew I was coming off as a jerk. But I was utterly exhausted and overwhelmed by my pain, leaving me unable to offer any empathy towards her.

"I don't know, why don't you start by telling me what whore you were with last night?!" Tara hopped out of the recliner and yelled at me. She was breathing hard as tears threatened to fall from her eyes, but still, even with my heart racing, I couldn't reach out to comfort her.

"What good will that do, Tara? Hmm? What good will that do for any of us?!"

"Jax you promised me, you said you'd never do this again. How can I ever trust you again?" At this point Tara was sobbing, and as much as I wanted to stop her tears. I knew that I couldn't continue living like this.

"I gave up everything for you Jax! Everything!" Tara shouted as she raised her broken hand, "Look at my hand for goodness sake! I sacrificed everything for you!"

"I didn't ask you to do that! I didn't ask for any of this!" It was exhausting to bear the blame for a choice she made entirely by herself. I stood by her decision to depart from Charming, and I was more than willing to let her take the kids to Oregon. It's truly draining to constantly be held responsible as if I've chained her to this town! "You chose this life after all my warnings. You decided to stay and told me you were in it for the long run! You did this, not me!"

Tara grew silent and for a moment her tears stopped. She stared at me for a long time before she spoke again, but this time she was speaking from a place of clarity. "You're right. I did choose to stay by your side Jax, because I thought you'd always be by mine. But now I can see how wrong I was." Tara shook her head as if she was scolding herself, "Me and the boys will be gone by the morning."

"Tara what are you talking about, you're not taking my kids anywhere!" Tara ignored me as she tried to walk past me and into the bedroom.

"I'm their mother, Jax, I decide what's best for my boys. And this cesspool you call a town is not where I will allow them to grow up!"

I grabbed Tara's arm and held a tight grip on it. "You step one foot out of this town with my kids and you will regret it." My voice was low as I threatened her and I saw a slight look of fear flash in her eyes.

She pulled her arm away from me and glared. "Or what Jax? You're going to kill me? You would kill the mother of your children?" She squinted her eyes at me and sucked her teeth as she called my bluff. I wasn't going to do anything to her, I couldn't. Because deep down I knew she was right. The boys would be better off with her.

"Just like I thought," she rolled her eyes and shoved her way past me.

"Tara, wait!" She paused in the hall with her back towards me. "Just don't go," I pleaded.

"Oh Jax, there was a time when you meant everything to me. I thought that you loved me more than anything, and I had faith in the life we created together. But now, I know that it was all just a lie. I was just a distraction meant to keep your mind off her, and now that she's gone, I'm not going to be the one who sticks around and hopes that you'll love me. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to play the fool."

Tara walked away and then reemerged from the room with a suitcase already packed. She was prepared for this and I sat somewhere in between relief and grief. I was relieved because I knew that Tara and the boys would be okay, but I grieved over the knowledge that I was now totally and utterly alone.

"If you want to say goodbye to the boys, they're at your mom's house. I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell her what's going on, I don't want this to get messy."

I slowly nodded my head as I tried to fight back my tears. Something about this moment felt bittersweet, although I knew that our relationship was heading south. I never thought I'd be coming home to this.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be the person you married."

Tara smiled sadly, "Me too." Tara shuffled past me, but once she reached the door she held her position. "Jax, be honest with me. Did you truly love me as I am, or did you only love the parts of me that didn't bring back memories of her?"

I stayed silent as I thought about my answer. I did love Tara but I'd be lying to her and myself if I told her that my love for her hadn't changed during this time. I couldn't give her what she wanted right now, and I don't think I'll be able to give her that anytime soon. I didn't truly want her to leave, but I also couldn't tell her that I was feeling alone in my marriage despite having a wife and children who loved me.

"I love you Tara, but I don't think I can love much of anything right now." Tara looked down, clearly disappointed with my answer.

As the door shut with a loud bang, the once lively house fell into complete silence. In just a few hours, I had lost everything - Toni, Tara, and my boys. Now, I was left all alone in the world.