Consider Me Gone

Chapter 2.

Jax

When my ex-wife, Toni, found out I was sleeping with Tara, I thought I would finally feel relief. I'd been hiding our affair behind her back for months, sloppily at that, because I couldn't tell her what was going on to her face. Tara and Toni had been friends since high school, they knew each other for way longer than they knew me. Tara begged me not to tell Toni about the affair, and she reassured me that she'd handle it, but after what happened with Kohn, telling Toni seemed to jump to the bottom of the list.

I regret the way my marriage with Toni ended. She didn't deserve the way I treated her. Despite our difficulties, she was a good wife and we truly loved each other. I wasn't there when she found out about my infidelity. I had left the night before and claimed I would be sleeping at the clubhouse due to an early work start. Toni seemed suspicious but we were fighting so often that she just let it go. I left that morning feeling like I was on top of the world, little did I know what would happen only a few hours later.

Tara had frantically tried to call me when it happened, but I was so far away that I wouldn't have gotten there in time anyway. I found out through my mom that Wendy had been the one to inform Toni, and then Toni came to the warehouse "screaming and hollering." Which didn't sound like Toni at all, she never involved other people in our problems. She always preferred to discuss things in the comfort of our own home, but considering that Tara was there, maybe she flipped.

Tara said that Toni and Gemma got into a screaming match. Toni felt betrayed by everyone for keeping their mouths shut about Tara, and she vowed never to speak to any of us ever again. When she left the clubhouse, I thought that I'd be able to talk to her, but Toni had left our home and taken all her things with her.

She refused to speak to me or anyone in the club. She even refused to speak to me during our divorce process. The last time she contacted anyone was when Donna passed, and she sent flowers to Opie's home. After that, there was radio silence on her end.

It's kind of crazy to think that she still lives in Charming but has managed to avoid everyone. It's like we never existed to her in the first place. The only one still bold enough to greet her is Happy, who isn't met with anger because he wasn't around during the time I was cheating with Tara.

I've tried asking him how she's been, but Happy never shares anything beyond the topic of his mother. Her health is never in good shape, so he usually asks Toni for medical advice since she's a surgeon. Beyond giving him medical advice, Happy claims that Toni seems fine.

I've seen her a few times around town, but she ignores me like I'm not there. I can tell that losing her best friend hurt Tara. Toni and Tara shared everything, and I know that she feels sort of lost without her.

When I went to prison, I sort of hoped that Toni and Tara would make amends. Tara was having a hard time without having me around, and I knew that she wanted Toni around more than anything. However, I figured that given the circumstances, the chances of a reunion were slim to none.

Toni and I never had kids, and when we finally got to a place that was comfortable enough to have them, I got Wendy pregnant instead. Early on in our relationship, we chose not to have any kids until Toni was done with her residency and I was out of SAMCRO.

We were saving for this huge plot of land just outside of Charming where we planned to start our family. We were only a couple thousand dollars away from being able to buy it, but then I did what I did, and the money ended up being evenly split during our divorce.

I have since blown through my half in lawyer fees and bail bonds, leaving me back to where I started before I went to prison. Meanwhile, Toni has since moved into an apartment across town and has erased herself from every corner of my life.

Opie tried to invite her to his wedding, but she turned down his invitation. Instead, she sent an expensive bottle of bourbon as a wedding gift that Opie shared with us at the reception. It was a bottle of Blanton's, which was by far the smoothest bourbon I've ever had. However, as I savored the taste, I couldn't help the bitter overflow of emotions that overtook me. 

After I was released from prison, I've been wanting to make amends with Toni. I want to apologize to her for what I did, and maybe down the line, we could be friends again. I miss our friendship more than anything because no matter what was happening in our marriage, our friendship was always there.

I broke her trust and that is a scar that will never heal, but I want to move on from this. I want to see her in a store and not have her ignore me while she shops. I want to be able to protect her again, especially during lockdowns, and even more than those things, I want to talk to her again.

I miss our talks, our inside jokes, and her little quirks that only elevated her personality. I wish I could still call her and tell her about my bad days and have her listen because she was the best listener I knew. And I want to see for myself that she's okay and that life is treating her well.

But I know that things will never be the same between us. I've made my bed and I've accepted what I've done. I love Tara and my boys, and we've made plans to get out of Charming too. I can only hope that before we go my relationship with Toni will be different, but for now, that's just wishful thinking.