Consider Me Gone

Chapter 1.

Tara

I was fourteen years old when I met my best friend, Toni. We met during our freshman year of high school, and we instantly clicked during third-period biology. I always found anything medically related to be interesting, and until then, I never found someone else who felt the same.

Toni and I both shared hopes of one day going to medical school and becoming doctors together, and we held on to that dream for years. Sadly, despite us both becoming doctors, we are no longer friends. I wish I could say that it was because we simply grew apart or life took us in different directions, but what actually happened is far more complicated than that. 

It all started when we met Jax, who was two years older than us and was all types of wrong. Jax and Tammy were opposites of each other, but somehow despite their differences, they ended up dating. Of course, she hid it from her family for a while, because she knew they would disapprove. She also hid it from her mom who would have understood her decision out of everyone, but Tammy always had this fear of becoming like her, and dating Jax only added to that fear.

I'd like to say that's when my own relationship with Jax began. I was always having trouble at home with my alcoholic father, and I never could get over my mom leaving. It felt like she had not only abandoned me but rejected me as well. So when I saw the cycle repeating with Jax, I just went for him. Now without excusing myself, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I just couldn't stop. I fell in love with Jax, and he became the only thing that kept me sane while I was living in Charming. 

He told me he would leave Toni for me about a million times, but I begged him not to because I didn't want to lose my best friend. Before Jax, she was all I had and I didn't want her to be out of my life forever. So, instead of him leaving her, I decided to go live with my aunt in Chicago. 

Jax was heartbroken at my decision to leave, but I knew it was for the best. I kept in contact with Toni who had managed to still date Jax despite everyone, including myself, telling her to leave him. Toni was incredibly smart, and also very stubborn. I knew everyone's protests would only fuel her determination to make things with Jax work despite being a full-time student. Secretly, I hoped that she would eventually leave Jax and free me from my guilt of sleeping with him, but their relationship only got stronger. It wouldn't be until several years later that I would return to Charming at the height of Toni and Jax's marital problems. 

I told myself years ago that I would never go back to Charming, but after dating my abusive and stalkerish ex, Josh, well he just left me no choice. I didn't go to Charming to start trouble, but it was like as soon as I got back I was thrown back into the middle of the drama. 

Jax had cheated on Toni and was expecting a baby with some croweater named Wendy. Toni, surprisingly, chose to forgive him and work on their marriage. She trusted me as the baby's surgeon despite everything she was going through. Toni was crumbling under the weight of her marriage and the thought of becoming a mother before she was ready, and here I was falling right back into an affair with her husband. 

It was far more serious than when I was nineteen. There were more people involved and more players on the chess board. Everyone decided to hide our affair from Toni and let her live in ignorant bliss while Jax snuck around with me. It wasn't until Wendy exposed us to Toni after being rejected by Jax. She thought that having his baby would make him want to be with her, but when she realized that wasn't the case she dragged everyone down with her. 

I'll never forget the look on Toni's face when she found out. It was like watching all of our precious memories being burned down right before my eyes. She was so hurt and embarrassed to find that everyone knew about the affair except for her. Gemma only added fuel to the fire by exposing the knowledge that I had been sneaking around with Jax since the beginning, but in all fairness, Gemma didn't exactly want me around either. 

Toni swore to never speak to any of us ever again, and after three years she's managed to hold to her promise. I haven't talked to her even in passing, because she's managed to avoid me. She even avoids me at work, which is impressive since we are both surgeons, and often I need her expertise. 

She somehow always manages to be busy or send someone else in her place who will play the game of telephone between the two of us. It's incredibly frustrating that she chooses to go on this way after three years. Selfishly, I wish we could sit down and be like we used to. We were such good friends back then, she was like a sister to me. There were times when I wanted her around so badly because I knew that she would be the only one who would understand what I was going through. But like everything else, I learned how to deal with her absence. 

No matter how hard things got with the kids, my pregnancy, or Jax being away, I tried my best to give her space. I acted like everything was fine because I was too embarrassed to admit that the life I stole was more than I could manage. 

I knew I didn't deserve her friendship or her kindness, but I still longed for her. I long for our friendship and everything we shared. I still love her and I still want nothing but the best for her. I hope one day soon, we will be able to overcome this and truly move on with our lives and maybe even be friends again.