Consider Me Gone

Chapter 19.

Toni

I've been staring at Tara's files since our last conversation because I haven't been able to get her words off my mind. Tara had been so sure that Jax would leave with her as he had promised, and even though it would be sweet karma to see those plans fail, I couldn't help the heavy feeling I felt in my gut.

Jax was never going to leave Charming. As cruel as that was to say to her, it was the truth. Charming was a part of Jax, just as much as Jax was a part of Charming. Jax would never be able to adjust to life outside of this place. He'd probably be able to do it for a few days, maybe even a week or so, but he would grow tired of it fast.

Jax was a high school dropout with a GED. He was hardly the mechanic, even though he held a license for it. I think the only thing he ever felt like he was good at was being an outlaw. He knew the life, and even though he'd never admit it, he was comfortable with it.

Things were only complicated now because he had kids, and those kids seemed to have a mother who cared about their future. Regardless, I wished Jax would not only be honest with himself but with Tara as well. I may not care to ever be her friend again, but it was frightening to see someone I once admired dwindle to someone so unrecognizable.

Tara had been discharged, against my better judgment, and she had left yesterday. I was hoping that I'd be able to speak to Jax before, but unfortunately, Tara had someone else bring her home.

I wanted to talk to Jax about making good on his promise to Tara. Because coming from someone who was in her shoes once, I knew she was hanging on by a thread. Especially now that Clay had been admitted to the hospital only a few hours later.

I had found out through Roosevelt that there'd been a shooting. Clay had been shot, and Roosevelt didn't trust Unser's report. He believed that Unser was covering for the club, and he was right about that. Unser has been close with the club since I married Jax.

During his reign as chief, he profited heavily from the relationship, so much so that even after putting down the badge he still hangs around to clean up their messes. I always thought that if the cancer didn't kill Unser, his relationship with the Tellers would.

But of course, I told Roosevelt none of that. My main priority wasn't the club, or playing Who Done It? With Roosevelt. My priority was talking to Jax, no matter how much of a bad idea that was.

So, against my better judgment, I went to their house after my shift ended. My shift ended at 7 A.M., so I was able to catch Jax before he headed out.

I was thankful that I didn't have to knock because he was walking out of the house when I walked up to the door. He was surprised to see me, that much was obvious from the look on his face.

"What's up? Something wrong?" He asked with a look of concern.

"No, actually, I was just wondering if I could talk to you." Jax nodded his head and went to turn around to let me inside, but I stopped him before he could do that. "Jax!" I said grabbing his arm, "Here is fine."

"What's up? Is this about Tara?"

"Yeah, I was just checking in, does she seem okay to you?" I wanted to choose my words wisely because I didn't know how Jax would react.

"Yeah, what do you mean?" Jax asked looking confused.

"She shared that you guys had plans to leave..."

"Yeah, we're leaving tonight actually."

"Oh," my eyebrows rose, "really, are you guys still going up to Oregon?"

"Yeah, Tara has a job offer there, figured we'd all move."

"That's great, really happy for you guys. But um...is that a for sure thing?"

Jax's brows furrowed and I immediately saw him become defensive. "Of course, it's a for sure thing. Why wouldn't it be?"

"I'm not saying there is a reason that you guys wouldn't go. It's just that from experience, you know, a lot of things get said that generally do not happen."

Jax scoffed, "Well, this time it's different, Toni. I'm different. You would know that if you bothered to acknowledge someone once in a while."

I tried to hide my look of shock, but I couldn't help but feel my heart racing at Jax's accusation. How on Earth did the script get flipped on me when I was the victim of their betrayal?

I let out a nervous laugh, all while trying to keep myself from going off on Jax. "Drawing back to the point of my visit, I just wanted to make sure that everything would be going according to plan. Wish you guys the best on your journey."

"Thanks for your well wishes, but I got it from here." Jax's face was serious as he turned cold toward me. As much as I wanted to call him a jerk, I couldn't help but blame myself for coming here.

This was not my home anymore, Jax was not my husband, and Tara was not my friend. They were quite literally not my problem anymore, and I had to remember that.

It's funny really, I spent the last three years hoping and praying for them to receive their karma for hurting me so much. But now that everything is finally happening, it doesn't feel as rewarding as I thought it was going to feel.

Even as I drove home, I replayed my entire marriage with Jax. I know I shouldn't have but I just wanted to understand. For years, I did everything in my power to be a good wife, a good ole lady, and a good member of the SAMCRO family. But no matter what I did, the sad reality is, it was never going to be good enough.

Jax was never going to love me enough to leave, but he loved Tara, and he was going to leave with her...

I wish I could ask for a refund for all the years I spent with that man. I wish I could snatch all the good times and throw them into the bottom of the ocean. I want to scrub clean any memory I have in my mind of him. And I know I said I couldn't hate him, because hating him would mean hating her. The little girl who saw the good in everyone. Who was young and thought everyone deserved a chance. But, I'm going to hate him despite her, because even though she didn't know it, she deserved a hell of a lot better than him.