Been To Hell

Chapter 20: Follow the Signs.

A month of touring was all I could handle at one time. Jocelyn sent us all home after the Vegas signing, but I have a signing in Pasadena in a couple days. I was beyond happy to get off that tour bus and be at home with Pat. I was happy to be able to be alone and plan our wedding. I was happy to be able to shower whenever I felt like it. But most of all, I was happy to get away from Matt. There's a lot of tension being built between us, it was making being on the road not very enjoyable. So I was very happy to be home for a few weeks. Now I can work on my next book, see how the movie is going and plan the wedding. Pat thinks I can write an entire book and pull an entire wedding off in the weeks that I'm home. I may have a gift but I'm no miracle worker.

Pat was happy that I was home as well. He said without me reminding him to eat, he's missed a couple meals a week. I keep telling him that he needs to take better care of himself while I'm away. He laughed and agreed with me. He said I'd make an excellent mother because that kid wouldn't be able to get away with shit. I laughed and agreed with him, and relished in the idea of having a family with Pat one day. I knew he was also happy nothing happened while I was away. I proved to Pat that I had no feelings for Matt that could come between my feelings for him. But I do have feelings for Matt; deep down in the dark place I've called home, they're there. They're like a volcano waiting to erupt. I was scared and angry with that volcano for existing. It can erupt at any moment and take away everything I've worked so hard for in these last eight years. It can destroy all my hard work. It can damage a lot of people as well. I just have to keep telling myself that I don't love Matt. I have to not let my feelings for Matt get in the way of my love for Pat. Nothing can come between me and my future husband.

Nothing can come between us now that there's a little pink plus sign staring me in the face. I think I have a theory about why they use the plus and negative signs on pregnancy tests. They use those signs because if you're pregnant you're adding but if you're not then you're taking away. I mean, they could've used any sign to indicate whether or not you're pregnant but they used the mathematical signs for adding and subtracting. I mean, even the pregnancy tests where it's the lines instead of symbols. One line mean it's negative and two lines mean it's positive. One line means it's just the woman with no baby but two lines means mommy and baby. Yes, I know what people are going to say. What if it's multiple babies? Well pregnancy tests are only supposed to tell you if you're expecting, not how many you're expecting. That's my theory anyways. I could be very wrong about all of it. But it makes sense that way, doesn't it?

Pat was downstairs in his office working on pricing out someone's business plan. He's frustrated because neither the owner of the business or the manufacturer are budging from their set prices and it's impossible for the owner to make money if they keep the prices so cheap that he doesn't get any of the money because it'll go to pay the workers in the factory. And the factory can't lower its wages to below minimum wage, that's against the law. Patrick has to convince the owner to raise the prices of their products but so far he's gotten nowhere. I can see how that's frustrating.

I was upstairs in the bathroom, staring at fate with a glorious grin. I didn't know how I was going to tell Pat but I knew he'd take it well either way. He wants kids, and he wants them with me. I want to have kids too and I want to have them with him. We haven't been trying to make it happen but we haven't been trying to prevent it either. If it happens then it happens. And it has happened. But the question still stands: How am I going to tell Patrick that he's going to be a daddy?

I suppose I answered that question when I found myself skipping down the stairs with the positive pregnancy test clipped between my thumb and pointer finger. The house was cool even with the merciless hot sun pouring in through the windows. I think that's why I found it bearable to walk around in black yoga pants and a white and yellow striped racer back tank top. The ends of my hair tickled the back of my neck as it swayed from side to side in the ponytail high on my head. My heart started to race when I hesitated outside the office. This is it. There's no going back from here. Nervously, I knocked on the office door before opening it a bit and poking my head in to see Pat sitting at his laptop with his tablet in front of him. His icy blue eyes found me and a charming smile crossed his face.