Been To Hell

Chapter 22: To Make Bleed.

"The day that you . . . did that to me, you said you saw me and him together. You said I was cheating on you. What exactly did you see?" I don't know why I was asking him this. I suppose I need some closure, every victim wants to know why. Why them? What was the reasoning? Why? Why? Why? The only difference is: I'm actually asking.

Matt sighed heavily and forced himself back to that memory. I watched as an old scar ripped open across his face, showing me his hurt. It was heartbreaking to be honest. I've never seen so much hurt on his face ever.

"When I got home, your stepdad was there and he was talking about me cheating on you. I was angry about that so I left and went to my dad's to grab the car. When I got to the School you weren't outside waiting for me so I went inside to get you. Then I saw you, sitting on the desk with your skirt hiked up and your teacher's hands all over you. You were kissing him. At first I was jealous, then I was hurt, then I knew why your stepdad was talking to me about cheating. When you came out I became furiously jealous, you pretended everything was okay. I don't remember the rest very clearly, only you sitting on the bathroom floor crying." It was as though I was forced to remember that day, even though I remember it every day of my life. Matt saw most of what happened, but he didn't see me try and fight back. He didn't see me try and get away.

"Matt, I wasn't cheating on you." I told him for the last time ever. "–What you saw was me being assaulted. What you didn't see was me trying to get away and fighting back." I didn't want to have the tears welling up in my eyes but here they were, making my eyes feel like eggs boiling in a pot of hot water. And when they skimmed down my face, they left warm trails on my cold skin. Matt stared at me utterly flabbergasted by what I just told him, even though I've tried telling him hundreds of times before. This time he actually listened.

"You didn't cheat on me?" He asked breathlessly. I shook my head and brushed the tears from my cheeks.

"I loved you too fucking much to do that to you." I reminded him of all the things I did to prove that love and affection towards him. It was hard to remember all the nights we spent arguing now that everything was out in the open. Now that he actually listened to what really happened that afternoon.

Matt sat there, his head bowed down between his shoulders. He looked ashamed of himself, as well as hurt. I stayed where I was, silently watching him. At some point I had reached out and took one of his hands in mine to comfort him. I've spent years trying to kill my demons. He just found out he has demons. He needed to know someone was there for him, no matter the history.

"Bow, I'm so sorry I did that to you. I just . . . I love you too much to let someone else claim you as theirs, but now I can see that Pat can make you a hundred times happier than I ever could." He apologized for the first time in eight years. His glossy blue eyes met mine and he sniffled. His tanned face had paled, but his cheeks stayed fruit punch pink. I don't think that'll ever change about him. I couldn't help the smirk that cornered my mouth upwards. There were butterflies of joy fluttering around in my stomach and my heart was skipping beats it was going so fast. My mind spaced for a moment, and boy, that moment changed everything.

There are some things in life that you can't control. Actually, there are a lot of things in life that you can't control. Things like, who your parents are, what your ethnicity is, what type of people you're attracted to; but most of all, you can't control who you fall in love with. My grandmother used to tell me "Un sould puede vivir por tres" which translates to "a soul can live for three." I never understood it until now. I think it means you live for yourself and for your love, but you can have more than one soul mate. You're your own soul mate then you meet the love of your life and think that it's going to be happily ever after but then something happens and you meet someone else that you love more than anything, and now you're in a place where you have to choose between your two soul mates. Who's going to be the lucky winner?