Been To Hell

Chapter 23: Her Last Vow.

Have you ever been afraid? Have you been afraid of something you've done? I'm not talking about the repercussions of your actions, I'm talking about who you were the moment you did it. Were you the person you've always wanted to be, or the person you never wanted to become, or were you both?

My mom told me once that when you're afraid of something, what you want more than anything else is to make it go away. You want your life back to the way it was before you found out that there was something to be afraid of. You want to build a high wall and live your old life behind it. But nothing ever stays the same. That's not your old life at all. That's your new life with a wall around it. Your choice is not about going back to the way things were. Your choice is about hiding, or about going right to the heart of the thing that scares you.

I've always dreamed about writing my wedding vows. I've always dreamed about how jittery I'd be, all filled with excitement and anticipation, hoping his vows will be just as remarkable. I never thought I'd be filled with dread and guilt. I never wanted to be so ashamed, but I am.

Here I am, a successful writer having trouble writing my own wedding vows. I shouldn't be having this much trouble; I mean, I wouldn't mind not knowing where to start but that's not the case here. I can think of a million ways to begin but I keep thinking about what I've done. I keep thinking about who I was when I did it. I wasn't some deprived housewife with an absent husband who chooses late nights at the office instead of being with me, I was me. I was a woman who has her dream job, her dream house, her dream friends, and her dream man who has never left me hanging or mistreated me. The scary part is, this is the person I never wanted to be but dreamed about becoming. The worst part is I don't have an excuse to use. I'm not saying that to justify my actions but there is always a reason for someone's actions to help them sleep at night. I don't have any reasons. I will not be sleeping.

I let out a frustrated sigh and raked my fingers through my hair in a passive aggressive way of pulling it all out. I couldn't sit here, staring at the blank pages of my notebook wanting to write an apology note to Pat that's titled: I'm sorry I slept with Matt but I don't regret it. There are so many worst parts of this situation but hurting Pat takes the cake. He's invested eight years of his life to me. He's helped me through so much shit and here I am, shitting on everything he's worked for. He gave up so many job opportunities to stay in LA with me. He was about to give it all up when I told him I was pregnant, not the first time but the second time around. It was a couple of years ago and we had a scare. It was nothing more than a scare. But he was about to throw it all away to be a good dad, to be a dad that's there. Now I've thrown it all away. I'm such a stupid little girl.

I was in New York City with my agent discussing a book series contract with a major publishing company. My agent thinks I can do it but I'm not sure what it'll be about. We're going to discuss it more tomorrow, but until then I stayed in my hotel room with a bottle of peach wine and Dianne Reeves playing off the docking station that my phone was on. I was going to fly back to California as soon as a decision was made. I wasn't looking forward to seeing Matt and Pat at the same time. But I was happy to go home to my own bed and be able to sleep as long as I like. I'm at a paradox to be honest. How do I face the man who's face I've missed seeing the most?

There was only one thing I can do.

I licked my lips and got up off the bed. I matched across the room, letting the legs of my skinny jeans brush against the carpeted floors of the hotel room. I plucked the cordless phone off the jack and paced by the big windows. I could barely punch in the numbers but after a couple of failed attempts I got it. The dial tone sang into my ear before the mental sound of the phone ringing. It seemed to take them forever to pick up but I knew it was just the anxious butterflies in my stomach.

"Hello?" They finally answered. I was suddenly filled with anxiety and depression. My heart was full of sorrow but it raced at the speed of light. I thought it was going to burst out of my chest at any given moment.

"I made a mistake." I began honestly. It wasn't the best way to greet someone but I wanted to skip the chit chat.

"Bow? Is that you? What happened?" I didn't mean to start pacing as I panicked but this was the first time I was saying what happened out loud and it made things so official. It wasn't just a nightmarish dream, it was real. It's a part of my reality.

"I'm so sorry, I screwed up. I didn't mean to bug I did." I babbled thoughtlessly. I didn't even say what I screwed up and I already felt like I got shot in the face. I felt guilty for not feeling guilty.

"Who, whoa, whoa! Bow, slow down. Take a deep breath." They instructed calmly. I gulped in a deep gasp of air, holding it in my lungs until I could physically feel my face going red. Then I let it out in a single heavy sigh. But I didn't feel better.

"Okay, now tell me what happened."

"I slept with Matt." I blurted out suddenly. There was silence. The silence made me feel like I was being gutted like a fish. It felt sharp and lethal. There wasn't even the sound of crickets to acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation.

"Bow, I need you to be completely honest with me. Are you pulling a prank on me?" They asked after a long moment of silence. But the question was worse than the silence. I wanted to laugh and say it was a prank but I couldn't.

"I wish I could, but I can't. I had sex with Matt and now I need some help." I hadn't realized how dry and uneven my voice had become. There was a lump in my throat, a throbbing in my head, and tears in my eyes.

"I don't see how I can help." I faintly smiled as the first tears rolled down my face. I sniffled and mindlessly shook my head.

"Do you mind offering some motherly advice?" I asked weakly. Yes, I called my mom. She always gives good advice, and that's what I need right now. I need her to tell me what to do.

"Do you love Pat?" She questioned in a soft but mothering tone of voice. It was a silly question that I could answer right off the top of my head.

"Of course I love Pat." I replied honestly.

"Okay, do you love Matt?" She asked sternly. I froze in my place. Suddenly the lump in my throat was gone, along with the throbbing in my head and the tears in my eyes. Ever since Matt came back into my life back in February, I've denied that I love him because I thought I still did love him. But now that someone has asked me, I'm not sure. Do I love him? Or do I love the memories I made with him? He was my first everything. Everything I've ever done, I've first done it with Matt. How can I forget about the companionship we shared? I've known him since I was five. We started dating when I was fifteen. Yeah sure we stopped dating for a couple of years but I've only been with Matt. He cheated on me and at the end of our relationship he mistreated me but I still had lots of love for him.

My attention was caught by my phone lighting up on the docking station on the dresser. I moved a little closer to see I had two missed messages. My heart stopped and I felt like I was going to puke.

Pat: Hey beautiful. Just got home. I love you.

Matt: I've been thinking about you all day. I love you.

"Bow?" Mom sounded my name lightly, like a lighthouse in the fog. I stared wide eyed at the two text messages, realizing that they were both honest and very true. They both loved me. I swallowed hard.

"Yes."