Been To Hell

Chapter 24: Kiss Me My Darling, Darling I Need You.

I sat at my laptop, my fingers were moving at the speed of light. The idea came to me after I ended the phone call with my mom. It hit me that night while I was laying in bed stressing about what had happened and what my future may hold. I knew what to write about: Me. Sure I'm going to change the names and places but this series is basically a tell all story about my life. It's the story about a writer who has been through the ringer a few times, someone who has worked desperately hard for the life she has. She's been through everything I have. I'm going to be telling my life story through her. That means Pat and Matt, and everybody will see how they've impacted my life. This is something I never thought I'd be writing about because I was afraid of hurting everyone's feelings. But at this point I'm the one who is getting hurt time after time. I know I've messed up really bad by sleeping with Matt, but even before that, I always got screwed over. I never knew my dad, or my dad's side of the family, I've been working since I could legally work, I've seen my mom being beaten up mentally and emotionally, I've watched a lot of my childhood friends get addicted to drugs and die. My life hasn't been easy, and literally no one knows about half of the shit I've been put through. It's time for me to use my voice. This book is my confession and retaliation. I am crucifying myself.

But there was something different about me. Something has changed, a tectonic plates in my head has shifted and sent a shock wave through my life. Things aren't the same, but they are. I'm different in the way I look at things. I think it's because I'm finally using my voice and asking for help. I think it's because I can handle the responsibility of taking care of myself. I know I'm going to end up alone after this, but I'm not scared of that. Yes, I'm scared of losing Patrick because I do have feelings for him but I'm not afraid of being alone, whereas when I left Matt I was scared of being alone. I didn't realize how much I did for myself before Matt left, I was very self sufficient but I always thought it was him helping me through. Now that I know that I can survive I'm not as afraid to let people in. I can get through the hurt. I can stand on my own two feet without having someone there to hold my hand. Before I had this fear but now I still do but I don't let it control me.

Have you ever been afraid? Have you been afraid of something you've done? I'm not talking about the repercussions of your actions, I'm talking about who you were the moment you did it. Were you the person you've always wanted to be, or the person you never wanted to become, or were you both? I never understood what that meant until now.

My mom told me once that when you're afraid of something, what you want more than anything else is to make it go away. You want your life back to the way it was before you found out that there was something to be afraid of. You want to build a high wall and live your old life behind it. But nothing ever stays the same. That's not your old life at all. That's your new life with a wall around it. Your choice is not about going back to the way things were. Your choice is about hiding, or about going right to the heart of the thing that scares you.

I was suddenly distracted by a knock at my door. It was probably Jocelyn here to inform me that I have to have the rough draft of the first book done by Monday morning. But I'm already done the first rough draft, and I'm almost done the second one.
I sighed and got up from the small dinner table by the large window, stretching my legs for the first time in hours. It was a long but brisk glide from my work station to the door but my hips and knees popped and cracked with every step. I opened the door of my hotel room and almost choked on nothing. I stared wide eyed at the guests standing at my door, two of them. I never expected to see them here. Standing at my hotel room door in New York City wearing an L.A pride tee shirt and jeans and dirty old sneakers was Rae, and in her arms was Valentina.

I stared at the pair of them utterly puzzled. Rae flashed me a casual smile while Valentina played with the neck of her shirt.

"What're you two doing here?" I was in a state of shock. I couldn't believe that Rae was in New York with Valentina. Was Dylan here too? Were all the guys here? If all of them were here in New York that means Matt was here as well, and I don't trust myself around him. It's been proven that I still have some pretty strong feelings for him.