Been To Hell

Chapter 21: Same Shit, Different Day.

6½ years earlier

Silence is blissful. The silence is paradise. No raised voices; no mean words, no objects hitting walls, no more police being called, and no more fights. But the silence was deadly. The silence left room for thoughts, and thoughts hurt a million times more than any words can. Thoughts exaggerate words. Over thinking kills happiness.

I jumped at the sound of knocking on my bedroom door. My heart was sent into warped speed, and my nerves were shot. My eyes ached; it was difficult to keep them open after a long night of arguments and the police being called. I was lying sprawled out in the middle of my bed. Loneliness was suddenly replacing the anxiety. The harsh yellow sun managed to fight its way through my curtains, leaving the room seen but shaded. There was a strip of intense heat cracking through the center of my curtains, right where they parted. It left a bright yellow strip running down the middle of my bed, and my back.

"Bow. Hunny, are you okay?" I heard my mom's apprehensive voice ask from the other side of the door. I didn't know where my voice was, it was like it decided to leave in the middle of the night to go on vacation without leaving a note of departure. A vacation from all the yelling and fighting, a vacation from all of the mean words it made my tongue lash out. But even if I did have a voice, how was I supposed to answer her? Was I okay? That's the real question here.

I wasn't just lying down the middle of my bed, sprawled out on my stomach with my arms raised above my head on the pillows. I was holding a positive pregnancy test. There were four more positive home pregnancy tests in my trash bin in the corner of my room, plus an inconclusive one. So the question still stands, am I okay? I don't think so. I'm not 100% on this. I mean, the man I was positive I'd be marrying was now my greatest enemy. He used to be the source of my happiness and now all he gives me is headaches and heartbreaks. How is he going to react when I tell him I'm pregnant? He's probably going to say it's not his and that maybe I should go back to my other boyfriend. Matt's always had a tough time believing me when I tell him I've never cheated on him. He used to not have to think about it, but then Rob did what he did and Matt's mind it set on me cheating on him. I don't know what's going to hurt more: Matt accusing me of cheating on him again, or him denying his baby. He'll probably believe me if this baby comes out with a head full of golden curls and bright beaming blue eyes, like his, or her dad's.

My hands dived under my pillows when I heard the metal doorknob jiggle until it unlatched. I twisted over onto my side so I could look at the doorway without sitting up. The door hung open slightly and my mom poked her head in. She wore a fretful look on her forty-nine year old face. Her greying hair was left down in heavy dark locks with white ivy stems weaving through it. Her dark eyes tired but sharp, were glued onto me from her standing point. Every feature that once was sharp; was now dull and tired looking but they still had an edge.

"Bow, are you feeling alright?" She asked again. I tiredly stared at her. Still, my voice was nowhere to be found. I nodded in response. She didn't seem to have bought my sure nod. Moms are usually able to see the pain behind their kids' eyes. They can tell when they're being lied to and when there is more to the story than what their kid is telling them.

"Yeah, and I'm marrying the President of the United States of America." She made a snarky comment and pushed herself further into my bedroom, closing the door behind her. I silently prayed she didn't see the trash bin that's not even three feet away from her. Luckily, she walked by it and sat down on the edge of my bed. She gingerly brushed my hair from my face and frowned.

"I know how difficult this must be for you. Moving on from someone you've been with for so long isn't easy, but this new boy, Pat, he's good for you." Somehow she knew exactly what I was feeling, but she didn't know the half of it. She had no idea what kind of world I was living in.