Unseen

-24-

       "Are you sure you'll be okay?" James asks me for the nth time and I just smile, nodding.

After our failed attempted to find an online article about my death, and the amazing discovery I don't always give pain when I touch a human being, it's been a bit awkward between us. And by bit I mean unbearable awkward. I can barely meet his eyes without wanting to touch him again, without dying for him to hold me in his arms without having to carry with him the sorrows I'm so used to. I can't look him in the eyes without fearing he might see how desperately I need to feel that human contact after so much solitude. And because I can't control my emotions at will and I don't dare yet to take risks with James, I can't ask him to at least hold my hand again despite how much I need it, henceforth, I don't meet his eyes.

Later, after even watching a movie together in the same awkward silence, we realise it's late and he should sleep, because tomorrow he has classes and even if I don't need to sleep, he does so he can't stay awake all night just to keep me company, although it seems that's what he wants. He insists to stay with me in the living room, but I refuse.

"It's okay if you don't want to be alone and if it's hard. You probably feel the pull to your house," he continues and although I feel it, that need to go back home, I fight it. I'm conscious I can't go and it's not like I don't have control over my own soul.

"If I'm struggling too much I'll let you know, but as for now I'm perfectly okay," I reassure him but he doesn't seem convinced.

"I just feel oddly uncomfortable knowing I'm leaving you in the living room without even a blanket," he blurts out, cheeks flushed and anxious movements.

I chuckle, finding his attitude so charming and adorable, but keeping that to myself. "It doesn't make a difference. Even if you even lend me one of your hoodies I wouldn't be able to wear it. The moment you look away it'd fall to the ground."

"I just... I just don't think I can fall asleep knowing you'll be all night awake here, without anything to do."

"I'll find something to do. I've been doing this for fifteen years, remember? I haven't gone insane yet," I joke but he doesn't even smile. "What? Do you want me to sing you lullabies until you fall asleep?"

The jokes help me to ease the awkwardness between us, allowing me to actually meet his eyes.

"That wouldn't be that terribly," he shrugs and that light tone I had in my voice gets caught in my throat. "But if you're tone deaf, maybe you should stay here."

He gives me a smile that twists something inside me, so I have to look away for a second. I even have to cough to clear my throat before I reply.

"If that helps you, we can try that. Unless having a ghost in your room creeps you too much," I try to tease but he only smiles.

I know having a ghost around doesn't faze James, he's grown up surrounded by them, and he's really used to me. I even think he sometimes forgets I'm a ghost, considering he reacts the way he does, trying to offer comfort with a soft touch when he sees me so upset. I also think he doesn't like seeing me as a ghost, because he seems to struggle with the concept every time, and he avoids saying out loud that I'm dead. I don't dare to analyse that because if he's getting too attached to me that will only cause him pain, after all we're looking for the way for me to cross over. It's not just putting distance between us, it is actually leaving this realm to never see him again. If he is indeed growing fonder of me and even getting used to having me around, it'll only hurt him when I cross over.

Maybe that's why I make remarks of me being death so often. Things I never did before until he showed up, like joking about being a ghost, are now a thing as common as breathing for a living person. It's a way to remind him I am dead and I'll be crossing over, hopefully, soon so he shouldn't get attached to me. And I shouldn't get attached to him, either, because if I do then I won't want to cross over, to a realm I don't even know if exists. If I grow fonder of James I'd have a reason to stay and something tells me that isn't a good idea.