Unseen

-29-

        I slowly walk towards the spot I left James at, feeling heavier with every step I take. I can only see Diana's terrified face, the tears streaming down her face. She was just scared, I don't even know if she really regretted what she did. She said sorry because she was afraid I would kill her. Maybe she lives with that fear, I can't know, but the thought doesn't comfort me. Even if her soul is eternally tortured, that doesn't soothe my pain. That doesn't change anything and noticing that now makes me feel worse.

I was so certain this was it. Making her pay, making her know I was still here and didn't forget what she did... but that didn't change anything. If that was my unfinished business, this wasn't the way to fulfil it.

I have no idea what to do now. Where to go. I was wrong and I'm even more lost now. Seeing Diana in such pain, feeling my own agony didn't give me any sort of peace. How... how can some people enjoy torturing others? How could she enjoy seeing me cry? How could she find amusement in pushing me, hitting me, humiliating me? Where is the pleasure in bullying someone else?

I see James standing there, watching the house as if he expected it to burst in flames any moment. Or maybe he is just waiting to see where I come from, because the moment his eyes find me his smile widens, his eyes sparkle and he breaks in a jogging to catch with me. But as he draws closer he notices my expression, he reads all my emotions and his own face mirrors mine.

"What happened?"

"I did it," I say. "I found her and I was so angry. I wanted to harm her do badly, but I didn't. I did touch her so she could feel my pain. She knew it was me. She said she knew I'd come for her one day. She cried and said sorry... but nothing changed." My voice breaks, more than frustration I feel disappointed and confused because I'm once again back to where I began. But I lost all direction now.

"Oh Paige," he laments, his own voice as broken as I feel now.

I want to cry. I want to sob and whine and just let it all out. But it's stuck inside of me, stuck forever, just like I am.

"I gave her my Mum's address and told her to go apologise to her. She can at least do that now that she's in town."

"That's a good idea," James points out and I just heave an exhausted sigh.

"I think I should give up on this whole unfinished business and just worry about Mum until the end. Can we go to my house and check on her? I've been so busy with this that I don't even feel drawn to there anymore," I say and he nods immediately.

"Yes, let's do that. In all honesty, you sound more regretful about her than anything else," he comments as I walk past him heading towards my old house.

"That's because it's my fault how she ended up. I feel so sorry to her. And if I'm stuck here to repent for what I did to her, then that would be fair and I should stop trying to escape my punishment," I muse and I hear James' steps cease.

"Don't say that, Paige. Don't become a martyr."

"Whatever," I mutter next, defeated. I can't even think of being positive or pushing away all my own sorrows, I don't have the energy. I can only see Diana crying, and as the seconds go by I feel more remorseful for falling so low as to torture her. I went to her house with the intent to cause pain, thinking that would give me peace.

How could I be so stupid?

For the rest of the way we don't say anything else. I try to focus on James' steps by my side, the constant rhythm of his boots against the concrete. It seems like three lifespans go by before we reach even my neighbourhood. And once we are there I stop thinking of all those conflictive thoughts or anything else. I can only see the commotion around.