Our Little Bit of Light

Denial

It had been a day since Bellamy showed up on Murphy's door step and Murphy was still so uncertain about the whole situation, after what had happened yesterday in the bathroom. Murphy could have sworn he'd seen something, an indescribable amount of emotion, hidden behind Bellamy's eyes, it was as if he was slowly opening himself up to Murphy, for a fraction of a second Murphy thought he could have a chance, so Murphy did the same he started to open his emotions to Bellamy only to then be slammed shut as the tan boy exited the bathroom, a horrified expression painted on his face. Murphy figured he just imagined it as he desperately wanted Bellamy to see him as something more than the terrified boy, who spilled all their secrets to the grounders. He needed Bellamy to see him differently. So Murphy just tried to forget about the whole thing.

Murphy was really starting to get to Bellamy. Not that Bellamy would admit this to himself as he scooted of the couch, to make his way to the kitchen. Bellamy sleepily dragged his way to the kitchen his stomach growling in approval as he plucked a packet of dry crackers from the cupboard, and started munching down on them, as much as Bellamy wanted to push the incident to the back of his mind, he started thinking about last night, after both he and Murphy had showered (Separately to his disappointment) he made Murphy take the bed and he took up residence on the couch, he'd then laid there awake for hours just thinking about Murphy, they way he looked when he was waiting for Bellamy to remove his shirt, his stunning eyes as they glazed over with tears, the way Murphy would bark orders to people back at camp as he walked around contently with that gorgeous smirk constantly plastered to his face, Bellamy couldn't get enough. And that quite frankly terrified him. Bellamy sighed, his  naked chest felt a spike of welcomed pain as he leaned against the stone counter, it felt like ice against his bare skin, not that he would could complain, this was the most comfortable he'd felt in a long time, just walking around only wearing a grey pair of sweats, it was extremely relaxing if he was going to be strictly honest with himself he wouldn't change this feeling for the whole world. at that moment Murphy strolled in to the kitchen obviously with the same idea Bellamy had, Bellamy held out the packet of crackers to Murphy and as their eyes met he realized there was something he'd exchange that feeling for: the boy in front of him, but then again there wasn't much that Bellamy wont give up for Murphy. 

Murphy cautiously took some crackers from Bellamy aware that they had been enemies, and he wasn't sure if last night had changed that, as much as  he wanted to get over it and become closer to Bellamy. Only at that moment had Murphy realized that Bellamy wasn't wearing a shirt, meaning Murphy could see every single one of Bellamy's toned rippling muscles of his torso. The room suddenly felt much hotter.

"Are you okay?" Bellamy asked, only now Murphy shifted his eyes from the tan skin of Bellamy's chest and abs, 

"Shit." He muttered to himself as he realized he'd been staring.

"What was that?" Bellamy questioned in a slightly amused tone.

Murphy looked down at his feet, heat climbed his neck and face so fast he could feel the hot blush radiating of his cheeks.

"Oh, um, nothing. How did you sleep?" Murphy asked casually changing the subject as he ran a hand up the back of his neck, then went to start eating his half forgotten crackers.

"Uh, I didn't really" he says shyly. Murphy raises an eyebrow at him.

"I offered you the bed."

"I know but your arm is already messed up, I didn't want it to get worse" Bellamy admitted. Murphy scoffed at that.

"Like you care" he mumbled, as soon as he said it he wished he could take it back, he sounded like a bratty little kid. 

"I care, Murphy" Bellamy almost whispered

"Sure you do" Murphy turned to leave the kitchen, but Bellamy place one warm hand on his forearm swiftly stopping him in place, both boys stood there silent for a moment breathing heavily, Bellamy firmly placed one hand on Murphy's jaw. Murphy panicked slightly,he pulled back from the touch and tried to compose himself, but Bellamy only lifted his other hand to the other side of his face, only when Murphy's eyes settled on Bellamy's intense gaze did he say 

"I care." 

Green eyes searched the intense brown ones trying to find a hint that he was lying, he found nothing and was left with Bellamy's hands cupping his face, their faces inched closer, Murphy's lip trembled,  as he lifted his hand to Bellamy's waist, hand gripping his warm tan skin and leaned in. In, that fraction of a second a  before their lips could collide where the two boys breathe mixed and swirled into one he realized for the very first time that he was in love with Bellamy Blake. And that when everything came crashing down and he was dragged back to reality. Murphy pulled back and pushed Bellamy away from him as hard as he could possibly manage and moved away as quickly as his feet would carry him, he couldn't be in love with Bellamy. Couldn't, It was one thing to want someone as he thought he did, but it was completely different to love someone it meant that the words he'd muttered and then screamed out in frustration a day ago were absolutely and positively the truth, he needed Bellamy and he couldn't except that. He sprinted away before the older boy could see tears streaming down his face. 

Bellamy was left stunned for a moment, before running a hand through his hair frustrated. He didn't understand why Murphy was so accepting one minute then pushed him away the next, but as much as he wanted to know why  he wouldn't push for answers the relationship they'd built if you could call it that was still fragile it it would only take one slight push for it to all come crumbling down.

"Fuck" he muttered, kicking the bench, maybe he'd read this all wrong, maybe Murphy didn't want him at all. He swore a line of curses not allowing the glimmer that had formed in his eyes to become tears, he would not cry again, he'd been too weak for to long and he needed to be strong. Even though he could hardly think about anything other than the hollow feeling that now formed in his chest.

"I'm such a fucking coward" he muttered bitterly to himself angry that he'd couldn't just do something brave for once, he couldn't think of a single time he'd ever truly done something courageous.

 "I'm such a fucking coward" he muttered bitterly to himself angry that he'd couldn't just do something brave for once, he couldn't think of a single time he'd ever truly done something courageous.

"Fucking coward" he repeated to himself as he entered the bedroom, he had literally run away from Bellamy, because he was afraid as usual. He was utterly disgusted with himself. He could never be what everyone else wanted him to be, he could never be who he wanted to be. And he was so fucking sick of it. He was used to a life of censoring himself because he thought that was what everyone else demanded but now for the first time in his life he'd tried to be genuine and when his walls had come crashing down, he had been pathetic and terrified like a small child, he bitterly thought. But now just when he'd thought he was done with running and hiding, here he was curled against a wall feeling sorry for himself. He couldn't take this any more he had to do something, anything.Tearing away any tears that still remained on his face he came to a resolution, a silent promise bound by the dark that consumed him: He'd stop running. This time he wouldn't run and hide, this time he'd fight for what he wanted. It didn't matter what everyone else thought any more, this time it was his turn, he would no longer be the victim of his own shadow, this time, he would change and rise above all of his fear and disbelief, he would be strong, he would fight, he would win. And he would get exactly what he wanted. He would get Bellamy.

Now all he has to do is figure out a way to do that.