Our Little Bit of Light

You know my scars

"So what's your decision?" Kane's words hung unanswered in the air as Bellamy contemplated his options. Just as anticipated they wanted Bellamy to leave with them, to go back to Camp Jaha, without giving Murphy even a single thought. Bellamy didn't know what to make of that, the fact that they: Clarke, Jasper, Monty and Octavia, could sweep Murphy aside as if he didn't matter at all. Well to them he probably didn't but to Bellamy he meant so much he was quickly becoming everything Bellamy thought about and even though that is thoroughly terrifying and maybe a little bit insane Bellamy knew that there is no way he could stop himself from loving Murphy. He looked up gaining eye contact with Murphy who was suspiciously quiet since they had started discussing what they would be doing, whether they would be leaving or not. As Bellamy stared across the room at Murphy he was met with a storm of emotions in the younger boys deep blue eyes even though the rest of him remained neutral, Bellamy could see in Murphy's eyes there was a war going on in his mind. So there was not a second's hesitation or worry if he was being rude when he looked up at the others and said

"Can you give us a minute." It wasn't at all a question and they nodded without a word leaving the boys to themselves in the now silent bedroom.

Murphy had never felt good enough, like no matter what he would do he would always be letting someone down and most of the time he didn't really give a damn if he was what others considered "A Disappointment", but it was different this time, this was Bellamy and he knew that he couldn't just cover his feeling of guilt of all the horrible things he'd done. He knew that the guilt would slowly consume him and he wasn't quite sure which would win the fight in his brain: The undeniable guilt telling him that he would never be good enough for Bellamy, or his unbreakable love for the boy. Right now he had no idea which was winning.

Bellamy made the other people leave and then turned back towards Murphy once the room was again quiet.

"What?" Murphy asked, walking over to the bed and sitting in the room.

"What's wrong?"

"What do you mean?" he fired back obviously knowing what Bellamy was talking about

Bellamy ran his hands through his hair starting to become frustrated, there was obviously something wrong and he just wanted to know what it was so he could help Murphy. Bellamy really didn't feel like playing games right now.

"I mean, what's wrong with you?"

"A lot actually." Murphy replied sourly, staring at Bellamy it was obvious that he was starting to get pissed off to. Bellamy could tell if they kept going like this one of them would explode like last time, but then again that turned out pretty good for them in the end.

Bellamy sighed deeply through his nose

"I meant, why are you angry?"

"There are a million fucking reasons why I'm angry" He says quietly, it has a dangerous edge to it, and suddenly as Bellamy connects eyes with Murphy again he can see rage pouring out of them, like a bomb seconds from exploding. Murphy gets up sharply, exaggerated angry movements as he speaks

"And I'll tell you some of them, my father was murdered because of me, I then had a fairly fucked up life until I was finally arrested and then sent down to ground, by some strangers who didn't and still don't give a damn if I live or die. I have been tortured until I no longer had the energy to scream anymore. Do you know exactly what they did to me Bellamy?" Murphy doesn't wait for an answer, as he walks over to the older man
"They ripped off my nails" He showed him his nails to emphasize

"They all had knives and they each cut me one by one" He ripped of his shirt hardly acknowledging the searing pain that shot through his broke arm, as the fabric travelled over it. Letting Bellamy see all of his scars, his torso was a constellation of thick red and white lines, proof that the grounders had done something unforgivable that would never be forgotten, but Bellamy already knew that and he didn't believe it was ugly like Murphy did, he believed it was simply a reminder that Murphy had been and would always be a survivor.

"Can't you see? I'm just a mess, I'm broken and no one will ever be able to fix me" Bellamy stood silently. They are both very strong just in different ways Bellamy knew that, but Murphy he may always think himself lesser than Bellamy.

"I was tortured for information and beaten so badly no one could even tell it was me" he paused

"And then accused of not trying hard enough."

"And even through all of that shit that happened to me, do you know what hurt the most?" he asked Bellamy, Bellamy didn't say anything he would let Murphy do what he had to, say what he would.

"The day you pushed that crate from beneath my feet and watched me fall." Hurt flashed across Bellamy face as if he had just been slapped

"And believe me I know how pathetic that is, yet that's the truth" No one said anything they both just looked at each other breathing very heavily, Murphy wanted him to say something. Needed him to say anything, but Bellamy just stood there as if he was truly was unbreakable, indestructible and how that made Murphy want to wreck him. In that moment his anger truly over took him and he wanted Bellamy to break just like him.

"What? Haven't got anything to say? There's a change" Still even when Murphy taunted him he remained soundless. This was quickly becoming too much for Murphy to handle, every second that passed, made him a thousand times more frustrated, so he resolved to make him speak the only way he knew how: violence.

Murphy swung his right fist hard and fast connecting firmly with Bellamy's jaw, sending him backwards onto the ground, but this time Bellamy didn't hit back, he just stood back up the purple black bruise already forming beneath his skin and watched Murphy as the boy fell more and more apart, his bruise would heal but this permanent trauma, this hurt wrapped so tightly around Murphy would take a lot more than an icepack and time to heal and Bellamy knew that he needed to be angry, he needed to let some of that hatred out because if he kept it inside it would eat him away, after time surely devour him, there is only so much one person can take and keep bottled up inside and Murphy was much passed his limit.

Murphy took a step back, still shaking with rage, but knowing that he had taking that too far

"Please leave" Murphy whispered not sure if Bellamy would even be able to hear him. When the freckled boy didn't immediately move, Murphy decided he couldn't take it anymore, he had to stop being so weak.

"Get out now" It wasn't yelled or even at a normal conversational volume, it was just above a whisper but the venom laced in Murphy's voice was enough to tell Bellamy do what he says. So Bellamy walked out of the room shutting the door behind him. Leaving Murphy as he was at the beginning and will always be in the end: alone. Or at least that's how Murphy saw it as he let silent tears trickle down his face and sat on the floor leaning against the foot of the bed. He felt ridiculous, this fear of never being good enough was destroying him and Bellamy is a constant reminder that he isn't a decent human being, little own valuable, he is the reminder that Murphy will always be lesser and as much as he wanted to hate Bellamy for that he couldn't, he simply couldn't and that made him hate himself so much more.