Hidden feelings [BTS 8th member]

11.

"Mom?"

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Lonely wouldn't even be the words I would use to describe the following week after new years.

It felt like everything around me had come crashing down, even when I thought there was nothing left to destroy.

But I guess it was my fault thinking that someone in this group would actually like me. I can't believe that I thought things would actually change. Now I honestly don't blame them at all, their hatred doesn't surprise me anymore. In fact, I want them to keep hating me, it's all I deserve, all I'll ever deserve.

I stand now, feeling like a ghost in the studio. No one acknowledges me, yet I'm still the very topic they keep on their tongue.

As I pass they all whisper with each other, they couldn't be less obvious about who they're talking about.

Suddenly, a door opens, changing everyone's direction elsewhere. "Haeseong," Bang-pd calls out. "May I have a word with you?" He asks. And now everyone's attention is somehow on me again. I nod my head and slowly start to make my way to the door, I feel everyone's eyes on me with each step I take.

It feels so unbearably suffocating that it would be better to not breathe at all.

When the door to the studio shuts Bang-pd motions me to follow him into his office. When we reach his office I suddenly feel the anxiety that I should have felt minutes ago. "Look, I'm sorry for sharing your secret Haeseong, obviously I had too much to drink that night." He laughs as if it's a joke, as if this isn't a serious subject.

"My secret?" I ask, astonished on why he would think this way. "I thought I made it clear that I had no idea." I argue, placing a fist down onto the table. Bang-pd sighs, "Look I may know that, but the members don't, and I'm not confident that they will believe you." I look at him with anger in my eyes.

Why couldn't he just keep this a secret. Why did he just have to tell them, how hard is it to lie!

"You don't think I know that? You don't think that every night I stay awake knowing that all of them hate me a million times more than they originally did?" I yell, losing control of everything.

"Haeseong-"

"No, I'm not going to sit here and listen to you tell me things I already know!"

"I know I'm going to get kicked out! I know that my future is over! I already know it, so stop acting like I know nothing, because in reality you're the one that doesn't know shit!" I quickly inhale but it's no use because my lungs still long for more.

"My Mom is fucking crazy, I didn't want to stay in Korea, I wanted to move back home with my Grandmother. That was my plan." My voice quiets down a bit, "But she hates me, she hates me so much that-"

The phone call from days ago floods back into my memory, making me stop the rampage I was just on.

"How could you do this to me?" I asked on that New Year's night to my phone.

"Because you don't have talent to succeed." She laughed, "You should be thanking me, did you really think you'd be going anywhere by having a job in a dance studio? Let's be serious here, you would be no where without me."

"Mom," I said, "How could you say such cruel things to me after all this time?"

I wish I could say I hung up after that.

"How was I supposed to know that?" I'm brought back to reality by Bang-pd's voice.

"You weren't." I breathe out, frustrated by the conversation and the hot air that clings to my forehead. Frustrated from the phone call and the wrinkles on my t-shirt. Every sound, movement, or gesture makes the hot anger twist into me deeper like a knife.