Hidden feelings [BTS 8th member]

10.

All I'm saying for this chapter is.. get your tissues ready
=================================

Pretending that you're fine is worse than not being okay.

The day I learned that was back when I lived with my parents.

I wasn't a child then, I was a teenager, but I could have just been labeled as a 'tall child'. That was always what my Mom had called me. She would say it was a 'joke' but we both knew what she really meant.

I knew she called me that because of my problem with not being able to control my emotions.

At first, I didn't hide it, I actually tried to show my parents how I felt so that somehow, the attention would be on me. But even though I was an only child, it seemed as if there were more important things to focus on.

By saying that I mean no one noticed.

The only time my Mom noticed was when my grades were slipping. At first she would mutter "You need to get your grades up." But those quiet comments turned sour quick.

"What is wrong with you!" I would often be asked. I wasn't able to answer her, because I didn't know what was wrong with me either.

But even at these moments I felt excited. I would feel a light being ignited in my chest every time she would nearly break my door down just to scream at me.

I didn't realize it then, but now it's clearer. I wanted my Mom to yell at me because it was the only way she would talk to me.

There's one huge parallel in this story that connects to my present life.

It's one of the reasons as to why I can't bring myself to hate Taehyung, as he reminds me so much of my Mom.

Too much that I see myself reverting back to my old ways.

I seek for Taehyung to yell at me, because it's the only way of communication I know.

It's all I'll ever know,

And that's probably why everyone around me does it, they don't have any other way to approach me.

So, I ask myself, every single time he yells at me,

Am I that unlikable?

I run back to my Mom, begging and screaming,

Why does the world see me like this..

But a better question fogs my mind.

Why have you made me this way?

————

There's a New Year's party tonight.

"I don't wanna go." I whisper, my head in my hands. I curl my fingers into my hair, pulling at it softly.

Every bad possible scenario runs through my head as I think of what's to come.

What if Taehyung says something?

Or even worse,

What if Jungkook says something.

But Bang-pd will be there. So, I guess it won't be half as bad as it usually is.