Hidden feelings [BTS 8th member]

5.

Unwanted sweat clings to my clothes and hair as I finish up practicing my dancing. I've been working extra hard recently, since we're already recording the next album's tracks, it's been hard to catch a break.

The bruises on my face are slightly fading, but they're not gone, it's only been a few days since after all. The thought remains in my mind as I grab my bag and other miscellaneous things as I leave the studio. Taehyung is what I'm mostly thinking about. I understand him though, if I were him I would do the same thing. I did mess up the whole performance, I'm probably the reason we didn't win anything.

I sigh as I exit the dance studio, thinking about the topic more. It doesn't help that people all over Korea hate me, I can't even find one person that likes me anymore.

I tell myself I don't care but I do, I care so much and it hurts.

I stop walking from the overwhelming pang of anxiety and sadness. My chest tightens and it becomes hard to breathe. I clutch the clothing that holds my chest tightly, pulling at it, trying to rip it off. It's no use though, my grip is weak and my shirt is too strong, it's suffocating me.

My whole body hurts, from my sore feet to my heavy head. It hurts, not only physically, but mentally, it hurts to think and breathe at the same time. I grip the wall with shaking hands, trying to calm myself down.

I'm okay

I say to myself, but it's like I don't want to listen. I almost can't listen. Maybe the topic has been sitting on my chest for too long, I'm not able to tell anyone about anything. It hurts... it hurts so bad and I feel so tired of pretending it doesn't. I'm tired of acting like what they do to me is fine. I'm tired of this life. I'm just tired.

I force myself to walk out of the building, though I stumble and sniffle on the way out. It's not like anyone noticed me,

No one noticed me, and now it feels like no one ever will.

As I walk through the winter air I stop when I get too close to the dorm building. The thought of staying in my dorm for the rest of the night makes me shudder. I turn my direction elsewhere.

————-

"Qing!"

My grandma says as I open the door, her sweet soft smile disappearing as she sees my red eyes and poor state. "Oh, Qing..." she says while pulling me into her house. "I just finished making dinner Qing, come sit." She hurries over to the diner table and pulls out an empty seat for me, I smile at the gesture.

After I sit she grabs chopsticks and a bowl of rice for me, setting them down in front of me. When she finally sits she sighs deeply and grips onto the table, "You okay?" I ask, she smiles and waves a hand in the air, "Just me getting old." She laughs, I do too, not bothered by her comment.

As I eat her home cooked meal I feel like I'm in China again. It makes me feel like I never left, I kind of wish I didnt.

"Qing?"

My grandma says, her tone usually different. I look up at her, concerned as to why her voice sounds so fragile. "Are you okay?" she says while looking down at my hands that are shaking, and my eyes that have suddenly filled with tears.

"Don't lie to me like I'm you're mother." She says while placing a piece of meat onto my bowl of rice. "I don't want you to see me how you see her." She sighs and places a hand on mine. "I'm not a monster."