I had just kissed a boy and it hadn't disgusted me, it hadn't made me nauseous like it should have been. I had just kissed a boy and I liked the feeling of his lips on mine, his sweet taste, which was a mix of sweetened lemon tea and mint toothpaste...
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This morning I saw you with a man I've never seen you with before. He was the opposite of you... at least that's the idea he gave me.
He had a very high tone of voice, when you always speak in an average tone, sometimes maybe it's too low because I can't always hear what you say. He used many bad words, transmitting a sense of vulgarity with his furrowed and almost disgusted expressions. It sounded like you two were arguing, even though you didn't say a word. He gave me the idea of a man who breathes more tobacco from cigarettes than oxygen and he kinda confirmed my thought when I saw him lighting a cigarette. He smoke two cigarettes in ten minutes. The cigarette smoke came out of his mouth in a certain rhythm that gave me a feeling of anxiety.
You seemed very uncomfortable and above all tense. I noticed in you a certain air of... fear. You were afraid. You were afraid, weren't you?
It's like I can see you reading this letter and, even though I'm actually not seeing you, I can imagine your reaction. Something inside me is telling me that you're scared. Maybe I scare you... You shouldn't be scared of me because I could never hurt with the true intention of doing so, I could never ever do it of my own free will. My parents have always taught me to love and not hate; in my heart there is no place for a feeling as strong and negative as hatred is. Remember these because something inside me is saying you will need them someday.
Having said what I had to tell you, I have nothing more to add.
I look forward to finding your reply letter in the usual place.
-L
11
After reading the letter I was completely petrified. Knowing that this person went to school with me was one thing, but knowing that he, just by looking at me, was quickly getting to know me better than anyone else scared the hell out of me. I had never been that kind of person who hides, but for the simple reason that there was never a need to. One way or another, people didn't give a damn about me. Everyone had their own judgments of me and that was what drove them away. Being gay and part of a rich family had certainly not made my life easy. People excluded me for who I was, I hadn't chosen to be that, yet I paid the consequences every day.
I sat on the dressing room bench for I didn't even know how many minutes. The room had filled up and I hadn't noticed it. The boys in the class were getting dressed for the two hours of PE, while I was simply motionless with the letter still open in my hands and afraid of what might happen on that new day. Every day I woke up and wondered what could have happened in those twenty-four hours. I lived in constant fear, in terror of what my dad, Thomas and Chris might do to me, not forgetting my school mates. I was surrounded, with no way to escape.
"What the fuck are you doing fagot?" My gaze shifted to whoever was speaking. Sonny loved to call me a fagot, by now it didn't even hurt me anymore, but something else did hurt.
