I had just kissed a boy and it hadn't disgusted me, it hadn't made me nauseous like it should have been. I had just kissed a boy and I liked the feeling of his lips on mine, his sweet taste, which was a mix of sweetened lemon tea and mint toothpaste...
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I had spent Christmas Day under the duvet, staring at an indefinite point in my room, falling asleep every now and then for a few hours and then waking up and starting the whole thing again, like a loop. Sometimes I felt like reading and so I took all the books I had had to hide, otherwise my dad would have thrown them away, and I read a few pages just to do nothing.
And so I also spent the next day and the day after again and again until on the calendar I read December 31st.
I should have gotten out of bed, I should have raised the shutter and stopped using only the bedside light bulb and I should also have taken a shower, but I didn't have the strength in me to do anything.
Sammie had left me a note under the door to tell me that today there would be a party at Noah's house for New Year's Eve, but I... I didn't have the strength to get ready, go to a party, or socialize with people. I just wanted to stay in my room, in my safe nest where no one could judge me or anything.
"He hasn't left that room in a week!" I heard my dad scream for the umpteenth time. He was angry because I wasn't leaving my room, I wasn't eating with them, and I just wasn't spending time with them. I felt sorry, but it was stronger than me.
"Mark!" I heard my mom's voice trying to keep up with him or simply tell him something.
"Why us? Why, of all people, we had a son who doesn't do shit in life." His voice was getting closer and closer as I was getting closer and closer to a crisis. His words always managed to hurt me as if it were the first time, they were sharp and caused deep cuts.
"Get out of this fucking room!" I jumped in fear when he started banging his fists on my door and that's when the crisis began.
The noise was so loud that I couldn't hear anything else, not even the sound of my own crying. My tears wet the pillow for the umpteenth time, but this time in a different way. I hugged the duvet as if I was afraid of falling and meanwhile my dad kept yelling at me to come out immediately.
Too often now I couldn't help but wonder where my dad, that person I used to call a hero, had ended up.
"Dad leave him alone." I suddenly heard Shaun's voice and somehow, after a long silence, he managed to convince him to leave.
For the third time since I woke up I heard the faint noise of a sheet of paper passing under the small crack between the door and the floor. With my eyes still full of tears and dizzy I got up from under the duvet to get the note.
I know Sammie told you about the party. I'm not here to force you to go because I don't do that kind of thing, but on the other hand I think it can do you some good to go out. If you ever decide to go to the party, know that I'm going and above all know that I will be with you the whole time. I'm not going to leave you alone. I know you need someone and I can be that someone if you want it.
I love you so much, big brother.
- Shaun
I smiled and cried at the same time when I read words that were so simple and so full of affection at the same time.
